The prompt for the first day of Reverb:

In her seventh ever blog post, all the way back in March 2003(!), the inimitable Andrea Scher wrote: “Maybe lists are like prayers.”

What sorts of lists do you have on the go at the moment? What do they suggest you are praying for?

I have a serious problem, kind and gentle reader. I take on too much, try too hard, do too much, push myself too hard, smash myself to bits. It used to be a very destructive and ugly and secret and dark thing. Now it’s filled with light and smells good and there’s kirtan music in the background and I beat myself up with the prettiest stick. #same

Here’s the list of things I committed to or have going on in the month of December:

• Reverb, which comes with a daily prompt. I blog my response and share it on Kat’s site, and there’s also also a lingering unaffiliated Facebook group where people share responses to various Reverb prompts
• Savor with Rachel Cole, which provides a daily meditation and optional writing prompt
• December Reflections, a daily photo challenge from Susannah Conway that has a Flickr group, hashtag, and blog roll
• Winter Joy Retreat: Edible Memories, which includes daily prompts, recipes, and a private Facebook group
• An online book group for Awakening Shakti: The Transformative Power of the Goddesses of Yoga
• Encouragement Notes from Esmé Wang, a daily email with a private Facebook group
• The Inside Story: Running a Heart-Centered Business with Susannah Conway, which also has a private Facebook group
• Teaching another Wild Writing, Crazy Wisdom workshop at Om Ananda Yoga (this one without the yoga)
• Finishing our bathroom remodel, not having a place to bathe in our house so needing to shower at the gym every day (or go without)
• Eric’s birthday
• Fearlessly Creative: A Meditation and Writing Retreat with Susan Piver at Shambhala Meditation Center
• Creating a class on cultivating practice for Inky Path
• Christmas

I didn’t realize just how much there was until I flipped the calendar over to December and the emails started arriving in my inbox. When I saw the prompt for Reverb, I half jokingly made the above list. Then I sat back in my chair and stared at it, allowing the insanity of it to wash over me. Add to that the regular stuff: teaching my Tuesday morning yoga class, putting together my weekly Something Good list for my site and for Wanderlust, laundry, my CSU work, etc. It’s just not workable, and even if it were it wouldn’t be sustainable. If I were to answer Kat’s prompt (What sorts of lists do you have on the go at the moment? What do they suggest you are praying for?) based on this list, I’m clearly praying for overwhelm, breakdown, exhaustion, complete and utter annihilation.

I’ve been asking myself for a while now: what are you running from? The way I’m filling my time, spreading myself thin and running myself ragged, I’m clearly avoiding something. Whatever it is, it can’t be as bad as this.

As she did last year, Kat kicked this year off with an oracle reading on the eve of our beginning. She selects a set of three, and participants are asked to pick one. Kat’s guidance was this:

You could take a moment to close your eyes, breathe deeply and take your attention to a specific part of your body that seems to have something to say to you. Or you could ask a question, something that’s been niggling you for a while. Maybe you could invite a new word or idea to help you honour and release the year that’s passing.

The theme of this year’s Reverb reflective writing challenge is ALCHEMY, so you could use it as an opportunity to dive deep and explore the opportunities for alchemy that are beckoning in the new year.

However you feel called to accept the offering, all you need to do is glance at the stones below and choose a number quickly, without giving it too much thought.

As I did last year, I hesitated to pick. When I opened her first email, my eye was immediately drawn to the star, but then I thought about how the feather reminded me of one that’s on my writing shrine. When I did as suggested, closed my eyes and took a deep breath and contemplated alchemy, what arose was a longing to figure out how to integrate my desire to make a living financially with my desire to make a life creatively, how to blend paid work and heart work, how to balance my effort with ease. When I opened my eyes, I focused on the stones rather than what they were paired with, and this time, it was definitely the third one that seemed right. It was the smallest and almost perfectly round.

From Kat,

If you chose STONE 3, you are invited to open up to OPPORTUNITY.

What feelings, images and ideas does the word OPPORTUNITY evoke in you?

Below is one interpretation of the mandala:

“This mandala carries the spirit of the woodpecker. He brings his optimistic and determined approach to life, finding abundance in the seemingly ordinary. He reminds us to continue to knock on the doors, in hope that the right one will open, revealing something truly amazing.

If you are contemplating upon this mandala, your spirit may be asking you to seize the day. If you are feeling unfulfilled, it is time to create a big opportunity, regardless of whether you feel one exists or not. Seek inwardly to reflect on what you might be lacking right now, and light the flame to guide you towards the creation of something amazing from this darkness.”

In light of what I was contemplating just before I picked, that seems just about right.