Open Space Practice, (AKA: A Thousand Shades of Gray)

I wasn’t going to pick a word this year. Up until this morning, I wasn’t going to pick a word.

As I wrote about how I wasn’t, I took a look back at years past. How in 2011, I made my last New Year’s resolution and it was “to be a better friend to myself.” Then in 2012 it was “retreat,” 2013 “freedom,” 2014 “home,” 2015 “nourish,” 2016 “path,” 2017 was a whole phrase “I don’t know what’s going to happen,” and then 2018 I had intentions but no resolutions or word, and in 2019 I didn’t choose a word but it would have been “re-tire(ed),” and of course in 2020 what was there to even say as we all spent the year in a stunned silence going out on our back step every night at 8 pm to howl with the rest of the animals, and 2021 wasn’t much better or any less confusing and I didn’t know what to say or think about it, not a single word made sense, and in 2022, this year, I jokingly chose “nope.”

And after writing about it for a bit, I considered words like “mercy” or “love” or “surrender.” Then the word came that floats around for me quite a bit: “embody.” Wanting my actions to align with my truth, wanting to be present and responsive in my body, to have all the wisdom I’ve gleaned and carry around in my mind and pockets settle in and stick right in the center of my broken tender heart, that final stage of knowing where you don’t have to force it or try, it’s just who you are.

And yesterday, @asoulcalledjoel posted his morning check in on Instagram, ending with the blessing, “may you allow your authentic longings to be embodied — in every step, in every breath, in every action,” and I couldn’t stop thinking about it all day. So, even more than this year’s word is the mantra, “allow your authentic longings to be embodied.”

Though you cannot
remember it now,
you have taken a vow
with the stars
as your witness,
to offer your heart
to this world.

You have agreed
to remain naked, raw,
and vulnerable forever,
to enter into
the heart of sadness
and the ocean of tenderness
if that is where love calls you.

Your only guide
is the unknown
and the only map
is found inside
the cells of your own heart.

~Matt Licata

Happy New Year, kind and gentle reader. ❤

1. Sunrise. I haven’t been going on morning walks (with Eric on break, they’ve been running in the morning and I’ve been sleeping a bit later), and yet I still get to see the sun rise, which is especially beautiful this time of year.

2. Eating “normal” food. My CT scan results found that my abscess is “resolved” so I can start to eat more fiber again, which means a much more expansive and joyful eating experience. I’ve been eating oatmeal from breakfast the past few days with a modified version of this apple compote recipe. I modify it by using Penzeys pie spice blend instead of all the individual spices the recipe calls for.

3. Christmas. It was also a bit modified this year (especially our dinner menu), but every bit as lovely. With all the travel horror stories, the brutal weather and canceled flights and people getting sick, I was happy to be safe at home with my tiny family.

4. Rest. I’ve been getting so much and it is greatly appreciated.

5. My tiny family, tiny home, tiny life. There’s no where I’d rather be, no one I’d rather be with.

There’s a vent under our kitchen sink that Ringo likes to press up against in the winter

Bonus joy: a whole new year (and yes, I realize time and calendars are “made up”), writing in the morning with a hot cup of tea, my weighted blanket, the lights on our tree, the rosemary bush our old neighbor’s gave us when they moved, texting with Mom and Chris, marionberry jam, down blankets and pillows, clean sheets, naps, snow, good TV (finished It’s a Sin on HBO and started the second season of Sort Of on the same), clean laundry, pay day, watching The Great British Baking Show with Eric, the sweet text he sent me when I was spinning out about my possible upcoming surgery, pictures of Hendrix sledding, Pickle the cat, that our new neighbors had to block the part of the fence we cut out to allow the ash tree on our property line to stay when we put in our new fence because their little dog could sneak through into our yard, that the chicken and rice and veggie teriyaki bowls I like so much are Eric’s favorite too, gingerbread, yoga with Sarada, yoga with Abrona and Jamie too, the hydromassage chair and pool and sauna, how well Ringo has been doing with his arthritis even with all the snow and cold, new calendars, meditating to mantra tracks on Insight Timer, listening to podcasts, a warm shower, new books, oranges, grilled cheese sandwiches, reading in bed at night while Eric and Ringo sleep.