Category Archives: Writing

Book Writing Saturday

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Today was rough. I mean, whose idea was it to write four hours in a row anyway? What could I possibly have to write about for four hours straight? At first, I told myself I didn’t have to at all. I have every reason not to—Dexter might be dying of cancer, and I’m teaching again this semester, and I have that sample essay for my class I should write, and I’m sad about Eric’s parents leaving, I should email my mom and my brother, and I have so much that has to get done this weekend, the garage needs cleared out and my car needs a deep cleaning and there’s laundry and the checkbook needs balanced and I really just want to stay on the couch and watch tv or read a book all day, and it’s so nice outside, and I could really use a nap, and so what if I write this book anyway, who cares.

But my meditation this morning was preceded by reading the Open Heart Project’s latest email, about Manjushri, the Bodhisattva of wisdom. As Susan Piver explained, we connect with the energy of this deity any time we attempt to understand, to connect with truth, to see reality with compassion and clarity, and that “the attempt to understand and to know, is an act of generosity toward ourself and others.” In this light, the writing of this book, the story of how one woman learned to be present, to show up with an open heart, remembered that she was fundamentally good, wise and kind and powerful, seemed more important, more than just my own exercise, about more than just me.

Then even when I start, there’s all sorts of moodling that happens, what Brenda Ueland said imagination needs, “long, inefficient, happy idling, dawdling and puttering.” I check on the Shambhala Mountain Center website to see how much it would cost to stay and do a weekend retreat. And of course, I have to check my Facebook, email and blog stats before I can begin. Then I try to convince myself that I should make some art before I begin, “prime the pump,” and there’s this picture of Dexter in my head, an art journal page of sorts that would be that one picture of him, the one that’s Eric’s laptop background right now, with the words “May he be well. May he be happy. He is loved. He is precious,” but instead I open my notebook and write a list.

Things that have elicited panic in me this morning:

  • All the work that needs done
  • Eric taking the dogs hiking
  • A mouse in the compost pile
  • A spot of maybe blood on the quilt covering the couch where Dexter sleeps most nights
  • A rattle in Dexter’s breath
  • Sam licking at his butt, again
  • The dark
  • Being alone
  • Thinking about bills and debt and balancing the checkbook
  • How dirty my car is, how the ABS light keeps coming on but there never seems to be time to take it in to the shop and get it checked
  • Not knowing what I’ll write about or if I’ll be able to write for a full four hours
  • The pain in my chest when I was meditating, which is probably cancer (okay, probably not, but my mind goes there)
  • That “something” might happen to Eric

Fear is a liar.

A little after two hours of writing that went surprisingly well, I had to take a break and eat lunch. That was about 10:30 am. You see, when you get up at 4:30 am, you get hungry for lunch at about the time most people are starting to think about breakfast. And the only reason I’m even calling it lunch, rather than “second breakfast” like a good little hobbit, is what I ate wasn’t very breakfast-like. I have been on a kick lately where I eat tons of salad and my favorite sandwich is a Gardenburger with hummus, cucumber, and spinach on round, thin multigrain bread. I’m like that, get stuck on eating the same things for at least six months at a time, without getting bored. In fact, even though I’ve eaten the same thing for lunch at least four times a week for the past four months, it was exactly what I was craving today.

I am bound by routine, happy in repetition. Maybe it’s because I’m an introvert and highly sensitive, easily overwhelmed by external stimuli, preferring quiet and calm. I don’t desire to travel, eat exotic foods, or try new things. I want to walk the same trail every morning, noticing how the seasons change the landscape, cataloging all the different colors and shapes of cloud in the same patch of sky, wearing a deep groove into the earth with my steps, knowing a place “like the back of my hand.”

After lunch, after two episodes of “How I Met Your Mother” (please don’t judge me), after picking up poop and playing fetch with the dogs but stopping after two throws because Dexter seemed to be breathing too hard, I go back to try and write for two more hours. I wonder if I should revise my plan, only write for two hours each Saturday. I mean come on, I got 2000 words written in the first two hours, and the final two will probably be crap anyway, me writing to be able to say I wrote for a full four, but I tell myself to keep writing, even if it is crap.

It feels okay, so I write about what I’ve been doing so far today, what this experience is like. One thing I’ve noticed is that it isn’t so much writing a book as learning to write a book. And yet, I am using the one strategy I’ve always applied: just start writing, keep writing and hope that something happens, pray that something will make sense.

Here’s one thing I wrote that made sense:

And yet, the week before she started this new drug, the new treatment, we were doing a forward bend in yoga, our legs straddled, stretched out as close as we could get to splits and still remain off the floor, heads down, bodies bent in half at the waist, the goal to eventually touch the floor with the top of our head, and I looked over to see her place her head and forearms on the mat, lean forward and raise her legs in the air into a full, unsupported headstand. In the moment just before, I was feeling proud that my head was closer to the floor than it had ever been, and there she was, defying gravity.

3.5 hours
3814 words
Topics written about: change, cancer, loss, death, grief, fear, basic badness, basic goodness, writing, getting another dog, identity, and authenticity.

Something Good

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I have a blogging schedule, but apparently the Universe has other plans. At about noon yesterday, mid-post, I suddenly lost all ability to connect to any wordpress.com site. It didn’t matter what device I tried, I could navigate the internet just fine, but was blocked from anything wordpress.com. It was so frustrating. I had a whole other post and a half to finish, but when I finally, truly gave up checking at 7:30 last night, still nothing.

But magically this morning, as Eric suggested, everything was working again. He said something like “don’t worry about it, take the rest of the day off and it will probably be back up in the morning.” Don’t you hate it sometimes when your partner is so right?

I suppose the logic here is that it’s a Tuesday Monday. Those of us that work a Monday through Friday week in the U.S. were mostly lucky to have yesterday as a holiday, so today is technically Monday, the day when I most need a list of good things, so here it is…

1. I am reading this book next, and I can’t wait.

2. This post from Tara Brach, True Refuge: Presence in the Face of Dying. Holy wow, talk about perfect timing. In it, she shares the story of Pam, whose husband is dying.

“Pam,” I said, “you’ve already done so much . . . but the time for all that kind of activity is over. At this point, you don’t have to make anything happen, you don’t need to do anything.” I waited a moment and then added, “Just be with him. Let him know your love through the fullness of your presence.”

3. Artist Takes Every Drug Known to Man, Draws Self Portraits After Each Use, which makes me never want to take another drug.

4. The Good Life Project from Jonathan Fields. I like his reason for doing this almost as much as the project itself.

We are strongly committed to sharing the stories of women. When Jonathan’s daughter was about 5 years old, he became tired of reading her to sleep with fables where the boy comes riding in and saves the girl. He wanted to raise a strong, empowered, impassioned daughter with his wife. And this was sending the wrong message. Being a writer, Jonathan began to create his own stories (including one about a badass girl detective who solves cases around the neighborhood and just happens to save a few boys).

Fast forward to 2012, Fields daughter has grown up in a household fueled by non-stop creativity and entrepreneurship. She’s exposed to it everyday. But when Jonathan began looking for powerful stories to share with his daughter about women creating great businesses, bodies of work and movements, he became incredibly frustrated at the lack of coverage in mainstream media. In Jonathan’s words, it was “one giant dude-fest.”

So, he decided to take on the challenge himself. If larger media outlets weren’t telling the stories of amazing women, Jonathan would. Which is why one of the core values of GLP TV is a deep commitment to sharing the stories of and spotlighting strong, innovative, creative women. On this show, women get equal, if not more, time than men.

Jonathan introduced the latest episode, an interview with a professional climber, this way:

I don’t believe people who say they don’t know what they’re passionate about.

They do know. YOU do know.

What you want to be when you grow up has been in your head since you
were 6. At least the pieces, the core qualities that matter.

But we get so wrapped-up in pre-judging the perceived “non-viability” of the things that light us up that we tell ourselves they don’t actually light us up anymore. Because that’s easier than saying we know what makes us breathless, but refuse to act on it because we have no clue how to make it into a living? And we’re terrified of failing and being judged.

5. Catalyzing Creativity: 7 Playful Activity Books for Grown-Ups from Brain Pickings. These look really, really fun.

6. And a few more from Brain Pickings: How to Read Like a Writer and New Year’s Resolution Reading List: 9 Books on Reading and Writing. The first post says this: “Every page was once a blank page, just as every word that appears on it now was not always there, but instead reflects the final result of countless large and small deliberations.” Yes, yes.

7. The Pleasure Of, “simple things of everyday life.”

8. Are you hanging by a thread? on the Daily Love, by Danielle LaPorte. And yes, the answer is yes, but this makes me feel so much better about it.

9. Happiness is Uncovering What You Already Have from Leo Babauta on Zen Habits.

You have all you need for happiness, right now. You don’t need to change anything about yourself, or your life. You just need to see what’s already there.

10. To be filed under “how the heck did I miss this?!”: World Humanitarian Day (August 19th), the I Was Here project, and the Beyoncé song and video that went with it. *sob*

10. Tina Roth Eisenberg’s 8 Steps for a Creative Life.

11. This quote from Mark Nepo:

Transformation always involves the falling away of things we have relied on, and we are left with a feeling that the world as we know it is coming to an end, because it is.

12. And Trotter, the French Bulldog, just because she makes me smile. (P.S. I’m normally not a fan of dog costumes, but these are cute, and she looks like she doesn’t mind, might even like it). She has the sweetest face.