Category Archives: Tribe

What I Know by Heart

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When I was thinking about what to write about this morning, as usual, I had 47 ideas, all of them equally interesting to me.  There is so much I want to share, to talk with you about.

Horse or Dog?

Horse or Dog?

Like the post on Brave Girls Club, “We Must See Past What it Seems,” and how important it is to give ourselves and each other a break.  All of us are doing the best that we can, and things aren’t always as they seem.  The person at work that seems so irritating and rude to you may have a father who is dying, or have an alcoholic sister-in-law whose suffering is tearing apart the whole family.  Or maybe that person is just lost and confused and afraid, and in their desire to avoid pain they are lashing out at anything that moves.  Maybe that person is you.

Or the article that Anne Lamott wrote for Sunset Magazine, “Finding Time,” and how it made me think about what I might be doing in my life that is wasting time, what there is that I could let go.  Almost seven years ago, I gave up cable tv in the quest for more time.  I live 1200 miles away from most of my family, so those visits and that contact are careful and compressed. I don’t have kids, although I do have two needy dogs and a boy that gets lonely sometimes. I have a core group of friends in my life, but the time I spend with them is focused and far between.  I work, a lot, so on the weekends, I don’t make many plans, and I try to keep my evenings during the week free.  But I’m sure there is more I could do, more moments, more minutes to be discovered. Even though Anne warns “I think this is going to hurt,” it’s worth considering.

VoxOr about the few times this week that I was afraid, but did it anyway.  I climbed up the long ladder (20-25 feet?) into my friend’s tree house.  I’m not so much afraid of heights as afraid of the dizziness it triggers, that the feeling might cause me to fall.  I am nervous around people I don’t know, but I talked to a man in a cape, a stranger to me but a Superhero for the environment.  I shared the link to my blog.  I had dreams and made wishes that, if they come true, will be as amazing as they are terrifying, but I made them anyway.  I told the truth and was vulnerable and opened my heart, even though there were some people I knew would be irritated or think I was weird.

But then I thought, instead of writing about those things, I’d write about some of the things I learned about myself in the last 24 hours:

What I Know by Heart:According to the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, I am a INFJ: Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging.  Apparently, in the book “What’s Your Type of Career?: Unlock the Secrets of Your Personality to Find Your Perfect Career Path,” author Donna Dunning calls this personality type the “Compassionate Visionary.”  Oh my!  I am so in love with that…When I look up some of the careers I am suited for, I have to smile: therapist or counselor, coach or mentor, social worker, human resource specialist, mediator or conflict resolver, holistic health practitioner, teacher, writer, editor, actor, artist, and minister.  I smiled because just this past week, I had made a visual representation of the direction I felt my work taking, (see the above).

What I Know by Heart: The reason I have been having so much trouble showering first thing in the morning, making myself do a bunch of chores and busywork instead, is because I have too long associated it with leaving the house, specifically to go to work. I was resisting this idea, the work, to the point of not being able to appropriately care for myself. I’m going to try and be better about that.

What I Know by Heart: Part of the trouble I am having keeping up a regular meditation practice is that I have Obi’s ashes and his picture on my shrine. Today, when I sat, I was thinking about Obi, and about the email I just got this morning from the Brave Girl’s Club (“your daily truth from the brave girls club,” you should totally sign up for itBrave Girls Club) that said “it’s okay to feel a bit of a hole in our hearts where loved things used to be,” and I lost it. Sobbing for a dog and a girl, both lost to cancer and both gone for more than a year, a hurt that is still sitting heavy on my chest, one that I am avoiding, that I need to sit with, every day until I am able to let it go.

What I Know by Heart: I have really great friends. The support and love that they give me, the inspiration they provide makes all of this so much easier, and so much more fun. Love you. Love, Me. (You know who you are.)

What I Know by Heart: I require a lot of time alone. It’s not that I don’t like people or being out in public, it’s just that I am so sensitive to all of it that I have to take the time to restore and recharge–by myself. This morning, Eric took the boys running at Lory State Park, and the time alone in the quiet to scribble, putter, read, and think was just the thing.  I need to honor that.

  • What do you know by heart?

Beginning, Part Two

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So, where were we? Oh yeah…

…a friend of mine and I did our own mini book club with Brené Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. 

I had just seen Brene’ Brown’s TED Talk, “The power of vulnerability” and was so stunned and amazed by some of the things she said (for example, “you can’t selectively numb your feelings”) that I immediately went in search of her latest book.  The description made the little bird in my chest flutter, let out a little chirp.  I knew immediately that my friend and I needed to read this book.  We’d been getting together informally for months to talk about this exact issue.  I emailed her and told her we needed to read this book.

So, over the summer, we read and we met and we talked and we cried and we laughed.  We started to actively work on some issues we were having, supporting and encouraging each other along the way.  This book, among other things, made me realize that I had been in a long-term abusive relationship–with myself.

That might sound weird to those of you who are masters of self-care and loving kindness, who already love yourself.  However, for me, it was a complete breakthrough/breakdown.

I rarely make New Year’s Resolutions, but just this year I made one: to be a better friend to myself. That nagging feeling I’d had that I could have any thing I wanted if only I would let myself had a much deeper truth: I hated myself.  I had been bullying and abusing myself for years.  I knew that I didn’t take care of myself very well and wasn’t that nice to myself, but I had no idea how serious a problem it was until I read this book.

Thank goodness I wasn’t doing it alone.  I don’t know what would have happened if I didn’t have someone to immediately talk to about it, someone who completely understood and didn’t make me feel like a freak.

One of the issues she and I worked on together was our writer’s block.  We were both stuck, and needed help.  The process of reading and working with the book opened up a new option for me.  I can’t even quite explain it yet, but there was some “well, why not now?” thing that happened.

It was kind of like I lost my mind a little.  I was set to teach a Writing for the Web class at Colorado State University, a class I’ve taught many times before, but this time was different.  I had an idea about how I might approach the process, encouraging my students to first start by identifying their passion, their purpose in life.  I told the Universe as I put together the course: “if you want me to really do this, and you know what I mean, you have to help, and make it totally obvious and clear–pretend I am dumb.”

And holy cow did the Universe keep up her end of the deal!  So much synchronicity was happening as I worked on the class and for the first few weeks I was teaching. Some of the articles and blogs I had my students read led directly to revelations and plans in my own life.  I feel a little guilty, because I am getting so much out of this class that it’s starting to seem like it’s my own little moment in time and they are just along for the ride.

One thing I did (leap of faith!) was buy a ticket to the World Domination Summit.  Some of my favorite bloggers and writers were there last year, and even though it was a lot of money, I just did it.  Then I saw that Andrea Scher and Jen Lemen were going to be there again this year.  So, I took another leap and signed up for their Mondo Beyondo class that just started on Monday.

Then, I saw that on Brene’ Brown’s blog, Ordinary Courage, she’d done an interview with Andrea Scher.  Towards the end, Brene’ said that she was going to take Andrea’s next Superhero Photo class.  Holy cow! Are you kidding me?!  I could take another awesome class with Andrea, AND Brene’ would be in it with me?!

You know how when you see someone you really love and you squeal like a little girl and run towards them to hug them, and almost knock them down flat with the force of your joy?!

WAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And last week, I had my students set up blogs for a semester long blogging project they’ll be doing.  One girl raised her hand and said, “Can I just say how excited I am about this? I have been wanting to start a blog for the longest time, and ever since you said we were going to get to in this class, I’ve been so excited.”

Hey, me too…I think I’ll start a blog.  Why not?  And especially, why not now?!  And holy crackers, I have been blogging for the last three days straight!

  • Where are you stuck? What have you been longing to begin?
    Why not now?