1. Truth: I am driven by a need for external approval and permission. Even though I am smart, fundamentally wise and intuitive, I am constantly seeking out a second opinion. Especially when I have a big decision to make or I find myself in a difficult situation, even if I know what’s right, am absolutely certain, I’m uncomfortable unless I get someone I trust to agree, to tell me I’m okay. It’s incredibly painful, but I’m working on it. I’m risking trusting myself, no matter what anyone else might think about it.

2. Truth: When a difficult situation arises, my default is to either avoid it or get too busy to deal with it. This is a pattern I’ve spent a lifetime perfecting, so now that I realize that it doesn’t actually work, that it isn’t the best thing for me, I also realize it’s really hard to shift. Awareness is a good first step, seeing what I’m doing, noticing and paying attention to it. Pausing before acting comes next, getting comfortable with not immediately checking out or rushing off when things get uncomfortable.

3. Truth: Even when I try my hardest to do no harm, to do good, I mess up. There are just too many causes and conditions at work for me to be able to control the outcome of any situation. I was thinking about it this morning when I saw a spider in our bathtub. I typically prefer to move a bug outside if I can, rather than kill it. This morning was a bit different, because on Sunday when we got back from hiking, we were checking Sam for ticks and found three bright red bites on his belly. We don’t know what bug exactly, but when I saw the spider in the tub, I was thinking “it could have been spider bites,” and it made me want to kill it. I didn’t, but when I captured it under a glass, I broke off a part of one of its legs. I released it into the backyard, but who knows what kind of harm I actually did, and I certainly am under no illusion that I somehow saved Sam from ever getting bit again.

One wish: That when we make mistakes, are misunderstood, or find ourselves in the midst of some other difficult situation, we can be gentle and kind, with ourselves and others.

The first peony opening in my garden

1. Truth: I read a lot of books at once. It’s a bad habit I picked up in graduate school, where each week I had to make it through hundreds of pages of content, and no matter how good it might be I could never read just a single book from beginning to end because there was too much other reading to do. That approach stuck with me. Right now I’m actively reading five books, and in the midst of at least ten more.

2. Truth: Through books, I can access so much wisdom. But I’m not a snob. I think that there is the same kind of wisdom available online, on television, in films, on stage, etc. — anywhere that humans are endeavoring to tell the truth, to share their stories, there is wisdom to be found.

3. Truth: At least once a day, but usually more, I encounter truth that has the potential to change everything. This morning, it happened while reading Tara Brach’s Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha. I saw myself so clearly in the way she talked about how we cover up our discomfort with short term solutions and distract ourselves from our deepest longings with busyness. It goes back to what Adreanna Limbach said about laziness. I can see how easily I get confused, but also know there is a way out.

One wish: May we reconnect with our deepest longing, may the next necessary step be obvious and easy, and may we continue to be patient with ourselves and the process.