Category Archives: Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche

I want you to believe yourself

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We begin to find and become ourselves when we notice how we are already found, already truly, entirely, wildly, messily, marvelously who we were born to be. ~Anne Lamott

For the past week, I have been a mess. I am dealing with a health thing, an imbalance that is making me anxious and depressed and tired and cold and heavy, (if you have a functioning thyroid, thank it right now for all the good work it does for you). I don’t want to get out of bed, and if I do, I certainly don’t want to leave the house, sometimes can’t trust myself to open my mouth, and a lot of the time, I feel like I’m about to cry. I have a doctor’s appointment early next week that will hopefully begin the process of getting that balance restored.

Then there’s Sam. He is sweet and goofy and I love him so much, but he’s also a challenge for me. We had our training session yesterday with the amazing Sarah Stremming from Cognitive Canine, and while I’d hoped to feel better, lighter, more confident and calm afterwards, instead I felt overwhelmed and shaky and discouraged. Watching him be frustrated and anxious and feeling like I don’t quite understand how to help him navigate that just makes me so sad. Sarah gave me a lot of new information and I was trying to process and remember, what to do and what not to do, but I felt myself sinking lower and lower. I went to bed at 8 pm, because I could no longer keep myself upright and I needed to have a good cry. I know that a lot of this is due to my thyroid being out of whack, and because of that I can’t completely trust myself right now, but when you are in it, it’s hard to be rational, to remember that there’s that thing that is distorting your perception–you just feel what you feel, and it doesn’t feel good.

On Kind Over Matter’s Friday’s Lovelies list this week, there’s a link to Tanya Geisler’s “Thing Finding Thursday,” (you might remember, I wrote a post about “The Thing” before), which she describes as “stories of people who found their Things, and how they did it — so you can do it, too.” I looked through Tanya’s archives, and found two videos I wanted to watch: one with Dyana Valentine and one with Jennifer Louden, two of my favorite women.

Dyana Valentine talked about rooting what you do, your thing, in your strengths and core values. And she reminds us that “just because you are good at something doesn’t mean you have any business doing it.” Towards the end of the video, when Tanya asks her “what do you want for the people watching you right now?” and Dyana’s answer had me in tears. She says:

I want for you to believe yourself. And I don’t mean believe in yourself but I want you to believe yourself. I want you to believe what you experience. I want you to believe what you say to yourself and to other people. I want you to believe that you are on the planet and we are happy that you are here. I want you to believe that if you know something is not working for you that you can make that change–you don’t have to make it now, but I want you to believe that you know the difference between right and right now.

Jennifer Louden said of The Thing in her “Thing Finding Thursday” video with Tanya “it’s okay if you found it and abandoned it and found it and abandoned it and found it and abandoned it. And we can be ashamed that we’ve given up and we’re here again, or we can celebrate and get support.” She finishes up by saying:

Sometimes the things that you most care about are the things that you’re most afraid of, so you may know very well what your thing is and you may know that you may not be able to bring it to life the way that you want and that may break your heart, but don’t let that heartbreak stop you from trying.

“Warriorship means that when there are obstacles, we do not back off,” (Sakyong Mipham). So, as I feel discouraged, brokenhearted, and messy, I choose to get support and help rather than to give up. I believe myself. And I don’t let the heartbreak stop me from trying. This is my dog, my thing, my life. “I know the more I embrace My Thing, the more exciting and dangerous the adventure of life will become,” (Brandy Glows on Thing Finding Thursday). I am challenged and afraid of failure, and more than a little tired, but I am not broken, I am not done. I am already found, already truly, entirely, wildly, messily, marvelously who I was born to be.

Joy Jam

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What were the 3-5 things that gave you joy this week?

1. My dogs. The very first time I did a Joy Jam post, I listed “these three boys” in reference to Eric, Dexter and Sam. I could put the three of them on every Joy Jam, gratitude, Something Good, favorites, things I couldn’t live with out list I ever make. But this week, I think because I’ve been doing the Small Stones posts and have been more attentive to everything, and I spend so much time with them, I have really been noticing how much I adore my dogs. Every single day they bring me joy.

2. Laughing with Eric. It wouldn’t do any good to explain the exact moments, because sometimes there are things that are only funny to you, and won’t make sense to anyone else.

3. Missing Obi. Any of you who have lost someone close to you know that grief can sneak up on you at the oddest times. The wind blows or a door slams or you see something out of the corner of your eye and turn to look, and suddenly you are right there, in the exact moment you lost them, as if it is happening again, right now in this moment. I was in my meditation room the other night, and I caught a glimpse of a picture frame I have on the shelf there–it’s one of those kits that you can make a hand or paw print on one side and put a picture in the other. I made this one of Dexter and Obi’s paw prints, the day before Obi died, and put in one of my favorite pictures of them.

I know it seems strange to mention this in a list of things that brought me joy this week, but the depth of loss and grief I feel for Obi is a reminder, a joyful one, of the capacity for love and connection.

4. Ease and Freedom. These are two things I don’t feel very often, but when I do, I appreciate them so much. This week, there were several times that I felt one or the other, or even both at the same time. Writing on Monday (I made four blog posts that day, and felt ease as I did so), walking the dogs in the snow on Tuesday morning, watching two owls with a student I’d just met (both of us standing so quiet and still, paying attention and wholly in the moment, appreciating the magic), sitting on my meditation cushion last night, practicing yoga this morning, and walking the dogs this afternoon (home early from work on a Friday, a windy but beautiful day).

5. Relax. I have talked many times about Susan Piver and her Open Heart Project. If you sign up to be on the mailing list, a few times a week she sends videos and a written message. One video is typically a discussion of some issue related to meditation (life), important teachings for free. I am continually amazed by her brilliance and generosity. In one of her most recent videos (I apologize for not remembering exactly which one), she talked about how Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche said (she was paraphrasing) that the more he studies, the more he thinks the entire path, the whole dharma, the truth and the teaching and the way could be summed up in a single word: Relax.

This makes me so happy. I’ve heard him say similar things before, so it wasn’t the first time I’d heard the idea, but when Susan reminded me, I felt what I always do: relief, and then joy. It really could be that easy. Something in me says “yes” every time I contemplate the idea. If you relax, you find freedom, space, ease–everything is workable. Seriously, I’ve been trying to disprove this idea with multiple scenarios, but I can’t think of a single situation where things wouldn’t be better simply by relaxing into reality, accepting what is as it is.

  • Where did you find joy this week?