Category Archives: Reverb14

Reverb14: Day 19


Project Reverb prompt: “What did you wrestle with in 2014?  What did you learn?  What challenges do you foresee in 2015?”

I wrestled with conflicting desires. On the one hand, I want to do a good job at CSU, earn my benefits and pay, but on the other hand I’m yearning to do more of my own thing, teaching and writing outside that context. On the one hand, I want to be in relationship and of service, but on the other hand I want to be utterly alone and selfish. On the one hand I want to be a part of the digital world, but on the other hand I want to be disconnected. On the one hand I want to have all the things, but on the other hand I want nothing more than a simple, minimal life.

I wrestled with time. There’s so much I want to do on any given day, and then there are the necessities of things like sleeping and taking a shower and feeding myself, and I try to fit it all in but there just isn’t enough time.

I wrestled with grief and impermanence. I still miss Dexter so much, Obi too. I have two dogs and love them, but they’ll die too, as will everyone I love. As will I.

I wrestled with myself. With my own suffering and confusion, with my ego, with my impatience and discomfort and irritation, with the ways of being and habits that no longer serve me, with the short sighted ways I try to soothe and comfort myself.

Reverb14 Prompt: “What sorts of signs and symbols have recurred for you in 2014? Think: repeating colours, shapes, people, sayings, music, images, ideas. Where could they possibly be leading you?”

Repeating numbers. Time (11:11 am) and word counts for something I’m writing (1111). The colors turquoise and purple. All things related to practice, specifically writing and yoga and meditation, showing up in places you wouldn’t expect them.

But I don’t know if these are signs meant to lead me somewhere so much as things I’m noticing because I’m looking for them, because I’m paying attention and already know where I’m going – like when you are looking for a particular street, knowing once you find it that’s where you’ll turn.

Reverb14: Day 18

reverb14withtextProject Reverb prompt: “Did you have an “ah ha” moment this year? Was it a big one? Or just a small enlightenment?”

My life is one “ah ha” moment after another, sometimes with moments of stillness between but other times rapid fire, one after the other in quick succession with barely any time to process one before another comes. That has a lot to do with me, with my perspective. I am open to it, waiting for it, expecting it. I am constantly looking for meaning, studying, watching and listening, wanting to figure things out. This year I realized I can’t do all the things, that my current approach is unsustainable. I became a beginner again and found that there’s so much to learn from that position, so much I can offer by being there. I was reminded that my focus, my foundation has to be self-compassion in order to do what I came here to do. Practice is essential, the only dependable constant. And all that matters or means anything is love, love, love.

Reverb14 prompt: “In the busyness of the everyday, taking time to nourish the soul doesn’t reach the top of the ‘to do’ list as often as it should. What nourishes your soul? How would you like to incorporate more of this into your life in 2015?”

The origin of the word nourish is a Latin word that means both to feed and to cherish. Spoiler alert: nourish is my word for 2015. I’m going to seek out nourishment in every aspect of my life. As for my soul, there is a lot of reading, studying, writing to do in order to foster a connection to my inherent wisdom, compassion, and power, seated in my soul. Kindness and gentleness in the form of forgiveness, self-compassion, quiet and stillness and rest are also a way to incorporate more nourishment into my life in the next year. And practice, as always, is at the center of it all.

Programming note: I am leaving late this afternoon for Shambhala Mountain Center to do a writing and meditation retreat with my dear friend and meditation instructor Susan Piver. The internet connection on “the land” is pretty sketchy, so I’ll be taking the next few days off, back to blogging either late Sunday or Monday, catching up then with the Reverb days I missed. Have a wonderful weekend, kind and gentle reader. I adore you. ❤