Category Archives: Pema Chödrön

Three Truths and One Wish

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1. Truth: There’s no such thing as perfect, no such person or place. It doesn’t exist. The very nature of things is that they are constantly coming together and falling apart. In the West especially, we cling to the idea of perfection, a fixed and permanent ideal. We value things more highly the closer they are to perfect–cars without a scratch, homes completely updated and shiny, used books in mint condition, bodies–don’t even get me started on bodies. Collectors know this, the less used or worn the item, the more it’s worth–and if it’s still in the package, never been used, that’s the best. And yet, perfection = impossible.

Perfectionism is self destructive simply because there’s no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. ~Brené Brown

2. Truth: I know this, and yet I keep trying to get there, to be that. I think that if I just try this combination of steps, push a little harder, read this book, sign up for this program, I’ll learn the secret, I’ll figure out how, I’ll get to a safe, happy, still place where I can stay forever, me and my super fit body and husband with whom I never disagree and our dogs that never behave inappropriately in our perfectly clean house–happily ever after.

Maybe the most dangerous thing about this desire for perfection is that typically when we are judging if something meets the standard, we are comparing the worst we’ve got with an illusion. Like if I were to compare my messy bathroom in my older house with the picture of the bathroom in a celebrity’s mansion that’s been staged for a home decor and style magazine layout. To say it like that makes the confusion so clear, and yet I do it all the time.

We already have everything we need. There is no need for self-improvement. All these trips that we lay on ourselves—the heavy-duty fearing that we’re bad and hoping that we’re good, the identities that we so dearly cling to, the rage, the jealousy and the addictions of all kinds—never touch our basic wealth. They are like clouds that temporarily block the sun. But all the time our warmth and brilliance are right here. This is who we really are. We are one blink of an eye away from being fully awake. ~Pema Chödrön

3. Truth: Perfectionism will suck all the life out of your life. You will keep running, pushing, working, smashing yourself to bits, but you will never get there, because you’ve set yourself an impossible goal. You will never feel enough, never get done, never be satisfied, and you will be so exhausted, you are on the verge of illness or collapse. There will be no joy, no peace, no stillness, no calm…there will never be enough and you will never be enough. It won’t work, and you are missing e v e r y t h i n g.

I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won’t have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren’t even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they’re doing it. ~Anne Lamott

One wish: that we give up striving for perfectionism, that we stop, let go, give up, surrender, relax. As Anne Lamott said, may we “notice how we are already found, already truly, entirely, wildly, messily, marvelously who we were born to be.” And, in doing so, may we have confidence as Susan Piver describes it, “the willingness to be as ridiculous, luminous, intelligent, and kind as you really are, without embarrassment.” And finally, may we

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything,
That’s how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen

Amen.

Three Truths and One Wish

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I have to admit, dear reader, that on some Tuesdays the Three Truths and One Wish post is so hard to write. The wishing part is pretty easy, but the truth?…some Tuesdays I feel like I don’t know anything for sure, nothing for certain. And today’s list, which I struggled to write, seems a little like a repeat, a reworking, a mere echo or shadow of last week’s post, which was one of my favorites. So, in this case, I am going to simply consider that this is the best I can do for now, and surrender to it.

1. There is bad in the world. I thought about this as I walked the dogs this morning, made a list of all the bad things we’ve witnessed at that place where we walk together: gang graffiti on the bathrooms (both inside and out), trash by the ballfields after a weekend of games, a homeless kid sleeping in one of the play structures, dog poop and used gum and broken glass left on the ground for someone to step in, people in cars in the parking lots doing things you shouldn’t do in public, an empty playground on a Saturday morning, people talking on their cellphones and ignoring their kids or dogs or both, a fire that burned a section of trees, a natural area that was “rehabilitated” (which meant grinding under the wild irises and wild asparagus), people not giving you room to pass on a narrow trail, people who are crazy and/or addicted and/or homeless and/or lonely.

2. There is good in the world. Also at the park where we take our morning walks: two hawks circling overhead, a heron fishing along the edge of the river, fox and beaver babies, four baby raccoons playing in a tree, people pulling over where the trail is narrow to give you room to pass, people who whisper “good dog” to mine as we pass them, a wishing tree, the two evergreen trees along the trail that someone decorates for Christmas every year, a busy playground full of kids, park service crew members cleaning up trash and painting over graffiti, wild flowers, a turtle who is probably older than me digging a hole in the same spot by the river where she does every year to lay her eggs, owls, people who smile and say “good morning.”

3. You choose your response, control your reaction to reality. Whether you deem something good or bad, it’s up to you how to relate to it. Both good and bad are always part of the story, but you can choose what to focus on, where to place your attention, what to see and what to share. And, I am not trying to make a judgement about which is better, telling you to focus only on what’s good, because that would be a lie. What I mean is that what you perceive, engage, communicate, and share is always up to you.

My own two feet

One wish: That no matter what your external environment, no matter what the details or facts might be, that you can let go of your attachment or judgement or resistance and simply be with things as they are.

There is a story of a woman running away from tigers. She runs and runs and the tigers are getting closer and closer. When she comes to the edge of a cliff, she sees some vines there, so she climbs down and holds on to the vines. Looking down, she sees that there are tigers below her as well. She then notices that a mouse is gnawing away at the vine to which she is clinging. She also sees a beautiful little bunch of strawberries close to her, growing out of a clump of grass. She looks up and she looks down. She looks at the mouse. Then she just takes a strawberry, puts it in her mouth, and enjoys it thoroughly. Tigers above, tigers below. This is actually the predicament that we are always in, in terms of our birth and death. Each moment is just what it is. It might be the only moment of our life; it might be the only strawberry we’ll ever eat. We could get depressed about it, or we could finally appreciate it and delight in the preciousness of every single moment of our life. ~Pema Chödrön, The Wisdom of No Escape: How to Love Yourself and Your World.