Category Archives: Love

Something Good.

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I think I might have already mentioned this, but when I am feeling bad, I will often ask Eric to “tell me something good.”  When I need something to hang on to, to make me feel better, something to show me that it’s not all bad.  When I am in that dark hole, way down at the bottom, and the mean things with teeth are down there with me–“tell me something good.”

Picture by Cubby

He’s really good at it, because even when all he can think of is “I love you,” it totally works.  I mean, how great is it that the person that you picked and who said “yes” eighteen years ago, and knows you better than anyone, knows all the embarrassing and ugly stuff, continues to love you?  He usually is able to give me a whole list when I ask him, followed by a hug and “what can I do for you, how can I make you feel better?”

But wait–this isn’t a post about how great Eric is, even though that’s true.  This post is about a new Monday feature I’m starting today on this blog: Something Good.  I like the idea of gratitude generating joy, and the opportunity my gratitude has to spread joy when I share the good things.

Here’s today’s list:

  • Monday Morning Yoga. For the past four and a half years, I have been going to a 6:30 a.m. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning yoga class.  The teachers have remained the same, and there are two other people, along with a rotating cast of about 10-15 others, who have also attended for all that time.  It is a constant comfort, while it continues to challenge me to keep changing and evolving.  These classes were the beginnings of my yoga practice, and I am so grateful.
  • My Dogs. I promise I won’t list them every week, but I totally could.  These furry boys are at the center of my life, and live right in the middle of my heart.  And Obi might be physically gone, but he is still with me, with us.
  • Kind Over Matter.  This is on of my favorite websites.  It is a collection of daily goodness that comforts and inspires me.  There was a guest post today, “Be the Rabbit” that was so great, made me think of my dogs and helped me to think of another strategy for taking better care of myself.  “Kind Over Matter is a place that is filled with kindness, inspiration, creativity, truth, gentleness & love.” Amen.
  • Blogtoberfest. This event challenges bloggers to post to their blog every day in October.  It was perfect timing for me, because I had just started this blog, and committing to daily posts gave me the discipline and inspiration to really get this thing off the ground.  I might have already faltered if not for Blogtoberfest, but with it, I feel settled and connected to this practice, and can already see it’s value, shared and internalized.
  • Writing This Blog. Writing publicly and daily is really good writing practice, and as I have mentioned before, people like Malcolm Gladwell (who wrote Outliers: The Story of Success) would argue that it takes some 10,000 hours of dedication to a craft or profession to become an “expert,” so the more practice, the better.

And also, a few times in the past weeks, as I have been writing a post, a line emerges that shifts things for me.  Yesterday, it was this one: “it’s actually my heart that is starving and this is not going to feed it, never going to satisfy that hunger no matter how much I eat.”  Holy Wow.  It feels like there’s this deep wisdom bubbling up, and this practice gives it space, power, a voice.

  • A moment of gratitude from one of my favorite movies, Joe Vs. the Volcano: “Dear God, whose name I do not know – thank you for my life. I forgot how big… thank you. Thank you for my life.”
  • Your turn: tell me something good.

Do the Hustle

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I was so busy thinking about work yesterday morning, and then going to work and working, that I forgot to go to a class I had registered for, “Managing Personal Stress.”  It was a three hour class intended to “help you develop a personal stress management plan to help you reduce the worry and stress you feel from life changes, challenges, and situations, and find new ways for moving through stressful circumstances.”  And I missed it. It’s very telling when the efforts I make to manage my stress fall apart as a direct result of one of the main things that causes me stress.

And by the end of the day yesterday, my head hurt, my stomach was upset, my back was cramping, and I felt dizzy.  I was frustrated, irritated, and sad. Tension and yuck was flooding my system.  I have dogs and I meditate and I do yoga and I write, every day, and yet I still seem to falter, push myself too hard, don’t get enough rest–I don’t take care of myself. 

This week in my Ordinary Courage class, we watched Brene’ Brown’s DVD “The Hustle for Worthiness: Exploring the Power of Love, Belonging, and Being Enough.”

In the DVD, Brene’ talks about the conflict between who we are & what we believe and who “you” want me to be & believe. We end up working so hard to fit in, to be deemed worthy and in that way get the love and belonging we need, we assess each situation and assimilate, we hustle for worthiness (we perform, please, try to be perfect)–which does not work to get us what we need.  Instead, we lose our sense of meaning, purpose and joy because we are utterly disconnected from ourselves.

She also talks about how “you better be able to tell the truth about who you are and where you came from and what you are up against, and love yourself in the process.” In the class, our challenge this week was to browse Dr. Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion website and take her Self-Compassion Inventory.  Having already read one of Brene’ Brown’s books, I had taken this test this summer.  The results were not good.  Taking it again three months later, they were worse.

Considering the life-rehab I’m involved in, you might expect that three months later, I’d be better at this.  I am more cognizant of the issue, even as I continue to falter and stumble.  Most likely I was more honest, more aware of how I really am with myself when I took the inventory this time.  The way the scale works, the average is 3.0, with 1-2.5 being low in self-compassion and 2.5-3.5 moderate, and 3.5-5.0 is high.  I tested at 2.48 this summer and 1.56 this time. Not good.

But I am working on it.  It’s really all I can do.  Keep showing up, keep trying, and know that it’s going to take time. Our habitual way of being with ourselves, when it has been with us for so long and we are so good at it, will take a long time to shift. At first, all you can do is see it for what it is, even as you watch yourself behave in those same old ways.

As for today, I napped with the dogs on the couch and cried a little, watched Brene’s DVD, took a walk, made Eric hug me extra.  I made casserole for dinner (comfort food) and rented “Bridesmaids.” Tomorrow, I can try again.

  • “You, yourself, as much as anybody else in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha