Laurie Wagner | Open Space Practice, (AKA: A Thousand Shades of Gray)

Reverb13 prompt: “Who inspired you in 2013? And why? What gifts did they give you? And how will you carry these forward in to 2014?”

I was and continue to be inspired by women who are doing the work I aspire to do myself. They are supporting people, mostly women, in a journey of recovering themselves — their creativity, power, confidence, authority, voice, joy, LIFE. The ones I’ve paid specific attention to this year are Susan Piver, Andrea Scher, Rachel Cole, and Laurie Wagner.

I felt like I was able to get a closer look this year at how they do what they do, how they move through the world, was able to spend time in person with each one of them. I noticed common themes of being flexible, being creative, having genuine compassion for others, practicing self-compassion, having a desire to serve, having authentic presence, maintaining healthy boundaries, being willing to process and attend to their own stuff, having a wish for security and making a meaningful offering rather than seeking fame, and honoring their own truth, needs, desires, and limitations. What I have learned from them will save me so much heartache in the future, but also enable me to experience more joy. I will go more gently, have more patience, savor the process.

Project Reverb Prompt: “Surprise | What surprised you the most this year?”

I have undergone a paradigm shift, and the new view has left me gobsmacked. I used to think that the way life worked was I would please others, provide what they needed, and in turn they would be so filled with love and gratitude that they would give me what I needed. That was the transaction. And yet, there were all sorts of opportunities for that interaction to break down — I was maybe guessing at what others wanted or needed and I’d get it wrong, or the other might not know what they needed and even if they thought they knew and told me, they might receive it and it doesn’t go how they imagined, they might respond with “meh…that doesn’t do it for me,” and I would have failed again. Or even if I managed to give another what they needed, and they felt love and gratitude, it might end there. They might not understand that they are supposed to give me anything in return, or they might just decide not to. Or, they might try and find themselves in the very dilemma I faced.

It was a flawed system in so many ways, but I attempted to live like that for so long, believing I had to perform, to earn what I needed, that someone else had to provide what I wanted, give me permission to have what I wanted or needed. Clearly I had to shift to taking care of myself.

The surprise is that I can be who I am. I can want what I want, have what I want, savor and enjoy it without feeling guilt or shame. I am allowed pleasure and joy and delight, and I don’t have to suffer to earn it. It is not a reward for how hard I’ve worked. I don’t have to earn the right to be here, to take up space and have a voice. I don’t have to wait for permission. I don’t need to apologize for myself. I can live my life responding to what I’m hungry for, rather than pleasing others, attempting to meet their demands and expectations. And, it is actually in this way, self-centered, that I can offer my best, be of true benefit. Kinda blows your mind, doesn’t it?

I remembered yesterday that there are three Reverb prompt options: #reverb13 hosted by Kat McNally (two of the prompts in this set were written by me), Project Reverb, and Reverb 2013 hosted by Besottment. As I did last year, I’m going to look at them all, write about some or all, and publish some of that — which could be total chaos or a brilliant beautiful mess.

Two I missed yesterday: “Where did you start 2013? Give us some background on this year.” and “Did you try anything new in 2013?”

I started 2013 with a dog who had terminal cancer, who was predicted to be gone months before, which meant that we had to be prepared for every day to possibly be the last, and I was was actively wishing an easy death for him every one of those days. I was also taking him to physical therapy because in addition to his cancer, he’d torn something in his knee. I was doing my first session as a teaching assistant for Mondo Beyondo. I was in the same place with my work, feeling like I had two jobs, overwhelmed, not sure how I was going to manage it all, trying to make sure I would at least “shower, eat, and meditate,” and writing small stones. I was feeling so happy to have found Kat through Reverb12, and had just picked my word for the year, “freedom.”

New things I tried in 2013: I went to California by myself three times for workshops, renting a car each time and using my Google Maps app to get around. I also tried letterpress and Nia for the first time.

Today’s Prompts: “What made your soul feel most nourished this year?” and “What was the most memorable gathering you attended (or held) in 2013?” and “Shine: What was the best moment of 2013?”

Nourishment: Creativity, practice (writing, meditation, yoga, and dog), meeting people in person that I had adored from afar (teachers, writers, artists, healers), self-care, self-compassion, rest, therapy, retreats (both in person and virtual), Open Heart Project, walking, hiking, being outside, eating food from our own garden, reading.

Most memorable gathering: This is a three way tie, the retreats I did at 27 Powers this fall were all amazing — a writing workshop with Laurie Wagner and Jen Louden, a creativity workshop with Laurie Wagner and Andrea Scher, and a hunger workshop with Rachel Cole. Brilliant teachers, vulnerable and beautiful attendees, laughing and crying and creating and being present, showing up, opening up, being at ease, getting flooded with magic and medicine.

Best moment of 2013: This was hard, to select a single best moment, but when I thought of one, it was the clear winner, and yet I think it’s going to seem like an odd choice to you. The day that Dexter died, when I was sitting on our back step and he came out and put his front paws on my leg, standing in my lap while I pet him, him as his full and alive and well self for a brief moment on a day when he’d been feeling pretty awful, the way the light was, how content and together we were in that space, on the worst of all days. I could list other highlights, successes or moments of validation, or times when I felt a rush of relief and ease, but this moment, one of the last ones with Dexter when he wasn’t suffering, shines the brightest. I miss him so much…