1. Morning walks. I was thinking the other day as Eric and I were talking about geese — I’d seen two pairs on our walk and thought to myself “where are your babies?” because tis the season, and Eric told me about driving by the canal at City Park where the families with babies usually spend a lot of time and seeing five sets of parents and babies — that when you see something a lot, you start to take it for granted. Almost every morning we walk, if we go early enough, we will see deer because there is a small herd of whitetails who live along the river, so when we see them, it’s almost unremarkable, except for when there are babies or a buck with a huge rack. Canadian geese are the same, because there is a significant population who decided the climate and resources here are such that they don’t bother to migrate but rather stay here year round. Even a heron or a beaver is exciting but not that unusual to see. Owls always seem special but even those I see quite a bit. My point is, I feel so lucky to live somewhere that I cross paths with magic on the regular, that wonder and awe is a normal and consistent part of my mornings.

2. Spring. My window feeder was finally replaced and the chickadees and finches are back, the leaves of my maple tree are light green and droopy, my irises are blooming, my lilac blooms are fading but I can still smell them when the wind blows, the backyard is full of the yellow and poofs of dandelions, the grass is so green and soft, and there is a robin nesting in our lilac bushes.  

3. Mother’s Day. We lost Eric’s mom early this year and I still can’t quite wrap my head around the fact that I’ll never see her again. My mom is growing more confused and agitated, which has been really hard for my brother to watch. We’d so hoped she could maybe somehow skip the worst parts of dementia, and I still selfishly hope she is able to leave the suffering of her current body before she forgets us. I sent her flowers and a box of See’s candy along with a fidget blanket to see if that can help her with some of her agitation. I am so lucky to have had not one but two moms who loved me so much, even as losing them feels wholly unlucky. 

4. Practice. In particular, the way it helps me return home to myself.

5. My tiny family, small house, little life. I am looking forward to Eric being on summer break, for real. The past few years, he’s had extra work so even when he was technically “on break,” he was still working, even when we were at the coast. We are making a list of things we want to do together this summer and I’m just as excited about the nothing we’ll do together.

Bonus joy: being mostly over that dumb cold I had last week, yoga in the morning, big salads, books from the library on my Kindle and my hack that allows me to keep them as long as I need to (airplane mode!), libraries and librarians, poets and poetry, listening to podcasts, watching TV (home renovation shows on HGTV have always been my comfort TV and I just finished season two of Renovation Aloha and it was so good), comedy, true crime, onions, cabbage, other people’s dogs and kids and gardens, a song so good you play it on repeat (such as this from Teddy Swims, or this one and this one from Goldford, and just about any version of this song, which is one of my favorites), sunshine, sunrise, sunset, that particular limey green of early spring, bloopers and gag reels, the ocean, pine trees, an owl calling out in the dark of morning, down blankets and pillows, naps, reading in bed at night while Ringo and Eric sleep.

1. Morning walks. I adore watching the world wake back up this time of year, even as I miss the quiet of the dark, cold, and snow.

2. Mom. When I sent her flowers this year for Valentine’s day and then again on her birthday along with some gifts, I thought it would be the last time. Instead, yesterday I ordered a custom box of See’s candies and flowers for Mother’s day. And while she is doing well, the slow decline continues. She is sleeping more and this past week started showing signs of sundowning, getting more confused and a bit agitated as the day winds down, so they’ve started her on a new medication to help. 

This is a strange moment in life that happens to everyone and yet some of us are still surprised when it comes, as if it’s unexpected. The end of Dad’s life was the beginning of Mom’s slow decline, so in some ways it was like losing them both at the same time. I left home for good over 30 years ago, and this is a whole other layer — first I left home and now it is leaving me. And even though I don’t think I ever would have gone back even if something happened to Eric, because I’ve made my life here, I always knew I could. They never would have turned me away and I always had somewhere I could go. To have that gone, even though I don’t “need” it and don’t expect to, it is a strange and lonely feeling.

3. Therapy. Week two. I’m glad I went back. I’ve got a lot to process, work through, and learn. I’m so grateful to have a wise, compassionate guide to support me.

4. Good neighbors. The ones across the street (who live next door to the ones who support what is currently happening and have the flags to show it) just put up a new flag (the picture on the left) and it will go nicely with the new yard sign I ordered from Etsy (the one on the right). I get that some people view signs and flags and stickers as “performative” but if “they” are going to put up their flags, I can’t let it go without a response. More than anything, I want their kids to see that there is another way.

5. My tiny family, small house, little life. This is my home and I love it here.

Bonus joy: having my birdfeeder back and full of both seeds and birds, leaves on the maple tree outside my window, buds on my iris, onion rolls, chicken noodle soup, Chloe’ bringing me cough drops, payday, finishing the laundry, groceries, heat radiating from the dryer and oven, books from the library, libraries and librarians, poetry and poets, listening to podcasts, watching TV and movies, yoga at Red Sage, other people’s dogs and kids and gardens, texting with Chris, Pilates and Yoga, getting in the pool, sitting in the sauna, the hydromassage chair, pizza, yogurt with granola and fruit, tacos and burritos, PBS and NPR, trees, comedy, true crime, clean sheets, a mug of hot green tea, yard time, how green and soft the grass in the backyard is right now, massage, making art, stickers, glue stick and scissors, garbage pick up and the folks who do that work, the people who grow and harvest our produce, naps, reading in bed at night while Eric and Ringo sleep.