For myself, I’m wishing for freedom: simplicity, space, ease, surrender, clarity, and openness. “The power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint; liberty, independence; the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved; being physically unrestricted and able to move easily; self-determination, open, opportunity, play, joy.” I wish to feel free, to be free from and free to, to let go of habits and ways of being that no longer serve me, to embrace and embody my true nature, to practice radical self-acceptance, to keep my heart open.
For Dexter, I wish an easy death. His nose bled a little today, reminding us that the cancer is still there, doing its thing, that he’s already been with us two months longer than predicted, and that even though he’s still having good days, at some point that is going to change and we are going to have to let him go. It’s not that I need him to have more time (unless he gets to stay forever, and I’d take that), but I do wish that whatever he has left to involve as little suffering as possible, and for his death to be easy. As for me, I won’t be ready no matter what.
My bigger, more general wish for 2013 is for suffering to ease,in myself and the world. May suffering of all kinds, all the tension and upset and pain and fear that occurs, may it lessen, relax, settle, quiet, dissolve, stop, end.
The full prompt: If you could change one thing that happened this year, what would it be? Why? (Author: Linar Studio)
I am a person who typically doesn’t have regrets. I understand the value of my experiences, good and bad. I don’t spend a lot of time wishing that things were different. I’d rather spend my energy accepting and working with what is. I am usually able to forgive myself for my missteps, be gentle, laugh about it even–eventually.
But, if I really had the power to change one thing, my Dexter wouldn’t have cancer, wouldn’t be dying. And If I couldn’t change that, I’d make sure he at least hadn’t suffered because of it, so no bloody scare, no weeks of belly issues while we adjusted the one medication we could give him, the one thing that might help him feel a little better. And if I couldn’t change that, I’d change the fact that he had to reverse sneeze so much at the beginning, because he’s the sort of dog that runs out of the room when anyone sneezes, gets worried when someone chokes or coughs or gags, and he hated being the one doing it, not being able to stop.
Intention
The full prompt: What were some of your mantras from 2012 and how did you come by them? Will they remain the same for next year – if not, what new ones will you set?
My message from the Universe, by way of Andrea Scher, the idea that all I needed to do was clear some space and watch the magic unfold.
Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha, a sanskrit mantra which invokes Ganesh, the remover of obstacles. I heard someone say that sometimes the obstacle needing removed is yourself, and ever since, it stuck with me. I find myself chanting it silently, spontaneously, trying to get out of my own way.
This from Susan Piver, “Confidence is the willingness to be as ridiculous, luminous, intelligent, and kind as you really are, without embarrassment.”
“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow’.” ~Mary Anne Radmacher.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and rightdoing there is a field.
I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass the world is too full to talk about.
~Rumi
~me
“Don’t move the way fear makes you move. Move the way love makes you move. Move the way joy makes you move.” ~Osho
“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” ~Howard Thurman
“We already have everything we need. There is no need for self-improvement. All these trips that we lay on ourselves—the heavy-duty fearing that we’re bad and hoping that we’re good, the identities that we so dearly cling to, the rage, the jealousy and the addictions of all kinds—never touch our basic wealth. They are like clouds that temporarily block the sun. But all the time our warmth and brilliance are right here. This is who we really are. We are one blink of an eye away from being fully awake.” ~Pema Chödrön
All these mantas, prayers, truths will go with me into the new year. There are so many more, collected and contemplated, written on my bones, but these are the main ones.
The one that I will be leaving behind is: “I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I’m so tired.” ~Me
Favorite Gift
The full prompt: What was your favourite gift given and/or received in 2012? Who was the recipient, who was the giver? What was it for (an event, holiday or just because)? Was the gift tangible or something else (i.e. support in a hard situation or laughter when it was most needed)?
My favorite gift I received was a marble from my friend. We were attending a weekend long workshop with Brene’ Brown, and Brene’ told the story of the marble jar. Her daughter’s teacher had a jar in her classroom where she’d put a marble every time the kids did a good thing, and that once the jar was full they got to have a class party. Brene’ had used the example to explain true friendship to her daughter. “Marble jar friends are the kind that keep putting marbles of trust and encouragement, reciprocity and boundaries, and all those good friend type things, into your metaphorical friendship jar,” (description from The Scent of Water: Marble Jar Friends). The next morning, when I went to pick up my friend, she gave me a marble.
My favorite gift I fave was a journal for that same marble jar friend for her birthday. I filled it with pictures, inspiring quotes, and writing prompts. I loved making it, and it made me so happy to see how much she liked it, that she understood it was a gift that was intended to communicate how special and precious she is.
the journal is the one with the blue cover, with the jar full of white flowers on the front
Spend lots of time in nature, in quiet, in stillness
Pay close attention, be mindful
Be kind and gentle, to myself and others
Let go of judgement and criticism
Stop smashing myself to bits
Stop struggling, resisting, running away
Relax, breathe, let go, surrender
Let love and joy in
Keep my heart open
Learning, Discovery
The full prompt: Compare the “you” from the beginning of 2012 to the “you” that you are now. What new skills or talents have you learned or discovered this year?
I am braver, am actively practicing and cultivating courage. I ask for help. I make contact, speak up instead of being frozen by my fear or sense of unworthiness. I offer my help. I say what I think, what I feel, what is true. I have a voice, I let it be heard. I love even though I know I will be hurt, I keep my heart open even when it’s hard. I stay with what’s happening instead of numbing out, resisting, or running away.
I reach out and connect with total strangers. I haven’t lost my mind, I don’t leave my front door wide open or anything like that, but I’m not as timid as I used to be. Today when I was walking across campus, I saw a women wearing boots, and carrying a basket with yet another pair of boots. I asked her, “I really have to know: why the extra pair of boots?” That might not seem like a big deal to some people, but it was huge for me. I send emails, make comments, invite interaction, go to a conference with 1000 attendees by myself–where a year ago I would have remained silent, hidden.
I am beginning to honor my own worth, to know that I have value, that I am enough as I am. I don’t have to earn love, I don’t have to change how I am. Who I am is my power: my genuine nature, my gentleness, my generosity, my goofiness. I am weird, but that is exactly what is so awesome about me. I am a beautiful, brilliant mess.
For Dexter, I wish an easy death. His nose bled a little today, reminding us that the cancer is still there, doing its thing, that he’s already been with us two months longer than predicted, and that even though he’s still having good days, at some point that is going to change and we are going to have to let him go. It’s not that I need him to have more time (unless he gets to stay forever, and I’d take that), but I do wish that whatever he has left to involve as little suffering as possible, and for his death to be easy. As for me, I won’t be ready no matter what.
My bigger, more general wish for 2013 is for suffering to ease, in myself and the world. May suffering of all kinds, all the tension and upset and pain and fear that occurs, may it lessen, relax, settle, quiet, dissolve, stop, end.
Open Space Practice, (AKA: A Thousand Shades of Gray) 