Category Archives: Brave

Starting Over, Again.

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I got an email today, someone I love talking about being “45 and starting over.”  It made me think of all the times I have done it, called a do-over, begun again.

Photo by Steven Depolo

  1. I married at 18 and moved to Arizona.
  2. I moved back to Oregon and got unmarried.
  3. I moved in with my mom and dad and went back to college, (a change inspired by the loss of my friend Heather).
  4. I moved to Colorado and married Eric.
  5. We moved back to Oregon and I went back to school, again.
  6. We moved to Colorado, again, and I went to graduate school.
  7. I got out of a bad work situation and started working on myself, (inspired by the loss of my dog Obi and my friend Kelly).

Lucky seven?  There are a few things after all this practice that I know are true when it comes to making changes, starting over:

  • I am already whole, (all of us are).  I am not a problem to be fixed, or a project to take on.  “Improving” or healing are about becoming what I already am.  My friend Courtney wrote a blog post the other day about the same kind of thing, “Not Fixing.”  In it, she says “Say goodbye to the wrench and screw driver approach to your healing. You don’t need fixing. You have all that you need inside you for your healing to take place.” Thank you.  Amen.
  • To practice “self-help” does not mean that I have to change who I essentially am, but rather be true to who I am.  To change, I make a commitment to manifesting that which is fundamental about myself, my basic goodness and wisdom.  What I do let go of in this process are habits, and actions or thoughts that no longer serve me, (that probably never served me the way I expected, the way I needed). “The purpose of our practice is just to be yourself.” ~Shunryu Suzuki

I get daily emails from Jo Ann at The Receiving Project and today’s was “You cannot run away from yourself. The sooner you stop trying, the sooner you can begin to bring love and compassion to yourself. The sooner you can embrace that which pains and transform it into that which loves.”

Brave Belly

So, what am I looking to change? In a post that seems full of them, here’s another list, the list:

  • To eat in a way that feeds a healthy body, not a sick and starving heart.
  • To continue to write daily, with the intention of eventual publication, (beyond this blog).  The daily practice and public forum of my blog will manifest this in an organic manner.
  • To be more settled, satisfied in my current paid work, or be financially able to let it go.
  • To be financially fit, debt-free, simply living.  To have the ability to take care of needs, save, provide, share and gift, take the occasional vacation or bigger purchase without depending on long-term credit.  To have freedom without too much sacrifice.
  • To become craftier, more hand-made, learn the skills of “my people”–farming, gardening, canning, baking bread, sewing, quilting, knitting, carpentry, car repair.
  • To be vulnerable and brave, to let go of shame, pleasing, performing, and perfectionism.
  • To repair my relationship with myself, and through that, repair my relationships with others.
  • Learn the ukelele and take voice lessons, giving my creativity and voice another outlet.
  • Be more green, more simple, more careful, more mindful.
  • Continue to develop my yoga and meditation practices, remaining open to the possibility of teaching, but not forcing it, allowing it to manifest naturally.
  • Slow down, continue to be mindful about how I spend my time.
  • Keep my eyes and heart open to great work, as I continue to do good work.
  • Be aware of the ways I can grow deeper into myself, seek out those opportunities with kindness and wisdom.

My Mondo Beyondo class taught me that there is power in dreaming big, making a list of all the things you want and sharing it. “What happens when you give an unspoken wish a place to become a dream come true?”

ScribbleIf you are looking to begin again, start over, “be the change you want to see in the world,” you might want to read:

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” ~Anais Nin

Now you see it. Now you don’t.

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I met a friend for coffee yesterday afternoon, and we got to talking about the difference between awareness and mindfulness.  I was explaining how I am more aware now, can see myself as I start to enact old habits, practice old patterns, specifically of numbing out or perfection, but most of the time, I am unable to stop myself.  Instead, I watch it happen, the same way it has thousands of times before.

For example, I make the chocolate zucchini bread with an awareness that I typically can’t eat it like a “normal” person, that I have trouble stopping because the more I can eat, the more numb I feel.  I feel bad and want the bad to go away, and this works.

But I make promises to myself that this time will be different, I will control myself, I will “be good,” but get into a heated argument with the one that needs the zucchini bread, as much of it as I can stand to stuff in.  It needs to feel better, now, and this is how to make that happen, so “you” aren’t going to stop me–I am doing this.

This is the point where my awareness–awareness of the danger, my understanding of the ineffectiveness of this strategy, the knowledge of how ashamed I’ll feel when it’s over, that it won’t actually help in the long run, that it’s actually my heart that is starving and this is not going to feed it, never going to satisfy that hunger no matter how much I eat–slips away. 

The next thing I know, I’ve eaten two huge pieces and I feel sick to my stomach.  It’s like when you get in your car to go to work, aware that you are getting in your car to go to work, and next thing you know, you are there, and have no memory of the drive–complete mindlessness.

My friend and I also talked about how sometimes it is like watching a movie of ourselves doing the thing.  There’s no moment when we aren’t aware, we see all of it, but still, we do like we always do.

This can be incredibly frustrating and discouraging.  And yet, there are so many reminders that this is how it happens, and that’s okay, that it’s worth continuing to try.

“True life is lived when tiny changes occur.”
— Leo Tolstoy

It is the “Half Step that Will Change Your Life.”

“Pause and Deepen Your Attention.”

image via Demetri Martin in 'This Is a Book'

This afternoon, rather than going to City Park to walk the dogs, Eric and I drove up to Mount Margaret, one of our favorite places. I relaxed, breathed, heard and felt the wind, took many steps, and let go. This is what it means. You practice, you keep showing up, you stop “smashing yourself to bits” when you see yourself doing the same old things, instead you love the suffering, you accept and lean in, and you promise to keep watching, being aware, for as long as it takes.

  • What are you attempting to balance? What are you trying to break?