Day One Prompt: Through the window. I haven’t been a regular coffee drinker for at least five years, maybe longer. I’ve gone on and off it many times over the years, always quitting because I dislike being addicted to the caffeine. Eric is always sending me articles about the health benefits, telling me I should start again. On Saturday, I saw yet another article, this time about the benefits of coffee and chocolate. Sunday morning I decided to start again, not committing to anything long term, just to try again and see how I feel. One thing I do know, there’s nothing like the high from that first cup.

Remember how on Sunday I started an experiment drinking coffee again? As predicted, as the caffeine hit, my brain was on fire, so many ideas, such clarity and energy. Later, my belly was burning and churning, and that night I slept terrible, both things I could trace back to my morning coffee. So on Monday I took a break. I was going to wait a few days to try again, but my yoga class got canceled this morning and the closer the 9:15 am aqua aerobics class got, the less I wanted to leave the house (introversion + hsp + complex ptsd + s.a.d. + burnout = mild agoraphobia). So I decided to stay home, try another cup of coffee, and see how the day goes.

P.S. to my earlier coffee post: I had not one but three eating disorders for 30+ years before I even realized it. Once I did, I went to therapy, read a lot on the subject, and worked with Rachel Cole. This morning as I was meditating I realized a shadow reason for why I decided to try drinking coffee again. My EDs hope the coffee will act as an appetite suppressant, that I’ll eat less and lose some weight. I’m better than I used to be, but “recovered” isn’t a goal I have or something I’ll ever be. That’s okay. My EDs are a coping mechanism I developed to calm myself, process the chaos, control my experience, and keep myself safe. They are a part of me. I don’t need them to go away to be healing and well.

For the month of December, I’m taking part in December Reflections, hosted by Susannah Conway. I’m posting daily on Instagram, but when those posts turn into something “more” (like this one did), I’ll share here too.