1. Truth: I am afraid of the truth, because sometimes it’s so ugly, heavy and dark. Change is inevitable, impermanence is one of the only things we can count on, reality is groundless and much of the time I can’t trust my perception of it anyway, there’s nothing stable to hold on to, and everything, all the time is coming together and falling apart. The world isn’t a safe place and really bad things happen, and I can’t stop many of those bad things from happening, no matter how careful, diligent, or perfect I am, no matter how hard I work or try. No matter how much we love someone, they will eventually die, we will be separated. All of our plans and insurance and hope can’t save us. Sometimes the truth of this paralyzes me, makes me so afraid that I am stuck, helpless.
2. Truth: I am afraid of the truth, because sometimes it’s so big and bright, full of love and amazing. Yesterday on Facebook, Raam Dev posted this: “Unless you’re prepared with the courage to receive it, what you want won’t come to you.” I am afraid to be loved, to live my dreams, to open my whole heart completely to my life. I am afraid to believe that I am basically good, innately wise and compassionate and therefore powerful. I can’t face how truly brilliant and precious I am. I fear the full measure of my true light is too big, will destroy me, burn me up, that I won’t be able to handle it, I am afraid I’ll ruin it, screw it up, not do it right, that I have access to so much good but no skill or courage for manifesting it. I’m afraid of the responsibility that comes with that power, that light, and am unable to face it, to look directly at it, to connect with it, to embody it.
3. Truth: Understanding that I am afraid, I open myself to the truth, to life, willing to be broken, inviting love. As Susan Piver so often reminds me, all I have to do is show up with an open heart.
I am basically good.
All beings possess such goodness.
Knowing this, my heart opens.
When my heart opens, the world changes.
One Wish: That even with our fears, even with the blinding light and brutal weight of the truth, we can continue to show up with open hearts and try.
God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
then walks with us silently out of the night.
These are the words we dimly hear:
You, sent out beyond your recall,
go to the limits of your longing.
Flare up like flame
and make big shadows I can move in.
Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don’t let yourself lose me.
Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.
Give me your hand.
~Rainer Maria Rilke