Tag Archives: Surrender

Book Writing Saturday (and yes, I realize it’s Monday)

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Confession: This Saturday, I did not spend four hours working on the book I’m writing. I am still struggling to wrap my head around the idea that Dexter is terminally ill, that we are going to lose him. Some days, some moments, it’s all I have room for, can’t think about or do anything else. I feel stuck and small and sad and scared, and my voice sticks in my throat.

On Saturday, I developed a cough. My chest was worn out from holding my heart so tight, from the tension that surrounded every breath, from the struggle of suffering. I took a long walk with my three boys, did laundry, swept the house, paid bills, made a dreamboard, had a long talk with a friend, watched some tv, played scrabble on my ipod, rested, loved on my dogs, went to bed early, but I did not work on my book.

I accept that this will happen. I can set the intention to write this book, clear space for it and have faith that it wants to be written, but sometimes life will get complicated and there will be obstacles. I forgive myself. I surrender. I realize that while there are times I won’t be actively writing this book, I am probably still living some of it, so all I can do is show up with an open-heart, bringing my tender awareness, open to both the beauty and the brutality of my experience.

Full Moon Dreamboard: The Full Blue Moon

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The Full Blue Moon asks: “What extra-super-special dream do you want to invite in?”

This month, in the post where Jamie shares and explains hers, she says that her dreamboards are “equal parts expressions of my desire and the Universe’s conversation with me. I can see what it is my heart is yearning for and I can see the practices and actions that will take me there.”

I’m actually almost a full day late with mine, because last night I was so raw and sad and small that I couldn’t even begin to imagine an “extra-super-special dream.” Placed into context, in contrast to Dexter’s illness, his eventual loss, dreams like writing a book or being able to quit my paid work and be a full-time artist seem so silly, so minor, so empty, (even as I know they really aren’t). Last night as the blue moon worked its way to entirely full, I sat on my meditation cushion and cried, told Eric how overwhelmed I felt, and went to bed early instead of creating a dreamboard.

When I sat down this morning to work on it, I had no idea what was going to come up. I found the picture in the middle first, the woman sitting in warrior position, known in yoga as hero’s pose, her hands held in prayer position over her heart, head bowed and eyes closed. The color, lilac, is one of my favorites, and I liked the reflection and bulk of her ring. The next image I found was the woman’s fingers trailing the surface of the water, with the quote about meditation practicing clearing our minds of restless thought so that we can see who and what we really are. After that, each image I found represented practice and devotion, nature, or something with a reflective quality.

This dreamboard communicates to me that through my practices, through surrender, I will realize a transformation, that I will discover confidence in the qualities of my awake mind and open heart. “Sometimes I need only to stand wherever I am to be blessed.”