Today has not been a restful one for me. Dexter has had a wonky belly for a few days and his nose has been bleeding more than usual. This morning, he refused to eat, wouldn’t even take his favorite treats, so I took him to the emergency vet. They have him now, giving him iv fluids, antibiotics, and anti-nausea medication. I just got back from a short visit with him, checking on the blood work results (high white cell blood count which indicates a bacterial infection), giving him some love, and dropping off his Little D to hang out with him. The vet said if he stays stable, can eat some dinner later and keep it down, we’ll be able to bring him home tonight. This is such good news, and for now we’ll concentrate on that.
Everyone here is feeling tender. Even Sam seems a little sad. We know Dexter will be back with us, but the fact that our time together overall is so limited lingers, and makes this time apart difficult. We are all bumping up against what it’s going to be like to be a family of three, and it hurts. And yet, our guiding intention remains that Dexter doesn’t suffer, that his death be easy–even if that means we get his belly feeling better only to need to make a bigger decision because of his nose. The good bad news is that how much we love them is equal to how much we hurt for them, how much we’ll miss them, how sad we are to be separated. It’s like Susan Piver said at our retreat last week, “no matter what, every relationship ends badly.”
To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.
~Mary Oliver
7. Beach House Radio, specifically the Chill station. It’s what we listened to all month this past summer when we were in Waldport, Oregon. I’ve been listening to it at work lately, and missing the beach so much.
One of the most difficult parts of changing how you live and how you eat is believing that change is possible. We all say we believe that, but many of us, deep down in our hearts believe that it’s possible for other people, but not for us. That other people can do it, that the glowy warm life we imagine is for other people not for us. We have an unconscious belief that we can’t do it, it’s hopeless, and so, on some level, we stop making an effort. We lapse into the way it always was or is. But change really is possible. And it really does take a fierce kind of longing, and a fierce kind of love for yourself. For the life you know is possible. Ask yourself what you love most of all. Do you love your life? And are you willing to take action on your own behalf?
This is exactly what I’m working on, “a fierce kind of longing, and a fierce kind of love for yourself,” for the life I know is possible.
I want you to take back your time. You have meaningful things to do here. You do not have time to spend with those who drain or disrespect you. You do not have time to avoid yourself. This is your life. Love yourself enough to claim your own time.
16. Draw My Life from Jenna Marble. She has made me cry before, but from laughter. This video got me in the heart.
17. This, always this,
We are all a little weird
and life’s a little weird,
and when we find someone
whose weirdness is compatible with ours,
we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness
and call it
20. Allison Mae Photography has done it again. This time she almost killed me with pictures of the muy guapo Kelso. I want to have her take pictures of my dogs, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it. She might be too good.
Open Space Practice, (AKA: A Thousand Shades of Gray) 