1. I’m still here. Some days are harder than others, but so far I’m holding on.
2. Sweet Sam. I realized the other day how lucky it was that I quit my CSU job when I did, for all kinds of reasons but especially because even though I didn’t know it at the time it was Sam’s last year with us and because I wasn’t working, I got to spend way more time with him.
3. Practice. The predictable routine of it, the comfort, the ability to make space.
4. Our garden. We are getting lots of cucumbers, there are baby watermelons, and based on the number of green tomatoes, I need to start rounding up my soup and salsa recipes. Our birdbath as far as we know is still limited to hydrating yellow jackets but hopefully the birds will find it at some point. Chloe’ and I did a plant swap — I gave her some of my phlox and she gave me some of her feverfew. Then Susan (sweet Kelly’s mom) sent me some seeds from some of the flowers in her North Carolina garden. I love having little bits from the gardens of people I love in my garden.
5. Morning walks. One of them this week was foggy, which is very unusual for Colorado. It felt like we were in Oregon.
6. My tiny family. Eric is going to go back a few days a week to his “real” office to see how that feels. I selfishly like having him home all the time. Ringo is feeling better after a wonky belly and sprained ankle — fingers and paws crossed that sticks. Understandably, my ability to hold space for injury and illness in my dogs is pretty limited right now. I just need everybody to be okay for awhile.
Bonus joy: good TV (Feel Good and Dead to Me on Netflix, also Forensic Files because there’s something about a crime being solved in 20 minutes that’s very satisfying, and Antiques Roadshow which seems so innocent and sweet in light of current events), good books (almost finished with the Broken Earth trilogy, but then got Too Much and Never Enough by Mary Trump and got a little sidetracked — still not sure if it was a good idea to get a book that tells just how awful someone is who I already think is awful…), big salads, naan bread, naps, HIIT workouts with Eric, hanging out with Barb and Chloe’, and then Mikalina and Chloe’, and then Mikalina, texting with my mom and brother, clean sheets, reading in bed at night while Eric and Ringo sleep, paying off my car (even though it was bittersweet, as that was money we were going to spend on a trip to Oregon this summer).
2. Practice. This week was hard. There was grief, heightened anxiety, a dog recovering from a wonky belly and then walking with a limp, so much tenderness and effort, and when I look out the window, real and figurative, there’s so much chaos, so much violence, so much suffering. In Buddhist philosophy, the teaching is that when we practice, we soften towards ourselves and this in turn softens us towards others which makes us feel connected, beholden, not so alone. This can be difficult, for all kinds of reasons, but when I put my effort towards loving as much as I can, as many as I can, as often as I can, on not giving up, it gets easier — soft enough to open, strong enough to stay. 
3. “Here we are stretched between grief and grace.” A friend of mine wrote this line and it feels so right to me, here at the end of the world in the middle of nowhere. Every kindness right now breaks my heart, so tender and raw. It’s like hello and goodbye all in one, simultaneously full and empty.
4. Our garden. It’s not a great moment in time to have complex ptsd. My hypervigilance is off the charts. One thing that helps is to look close, notice, pay attention to the small things that are still working — the bugs and the blooms in particular. Today we got our first cucumbers.
5. My tiny family. Hopefully Ringo is on the mend after a rough week. Eric got to go on an adventure, climbed Longs Peak. He ran into a herd of elk on the way up, while it was still dark enough that he almost didn’t see them. I was very happy he made it home safe, that it was fun for him, that he’s strong and healthy enough to do such a thing. We promised each other at the start of all the shut downs and sheltering in place that we’d be extra nice to each other, not fight, because we knew things were about to get difficult, and I’m happy to report we’ve kept that promise.
Bonus joy: kitchen counter love notes, yard time, Rainier cherries, Beyond Burgers, coleslaw, rain (we are in a stretch of 90+ degree weather, so every time it rains, we are grateful for the cool and hydration), good TV (I watched the third season of Marcella and Chris Fairbanks’ new special Rescue Cactus), good books (finishing up the final book in the Broken Earth trilogy by N.K. Jemisin, and I think I’m going to have to read everything else she’s written), good podcasts (I’ve been enjoying Mike Birbiglia’s new one, Working it Out), writing, yoga with Jamie on Sunday mornings, clean sheets, texting with my mom and brother, seeing Chelsey and Jon and Liz (all of whom said how much they love our neighborhood), good neighbors, reading in bed at night while Eric and Ringo sleep.
Open Space Practice, (AKA: A Thousand Shades of Gray) 