little, tiny, baby me

Today we got the final August Moon email from Kat. It was all about imagining where we might be a year from now. Instead, I was thinking about where I’ve been during this challenge. It was different than I’d imagined, expected. Instead of uncovering, discovering something entirely new, it was an opportunity to review and clarify what I’ve learned. It’s funny because before it started, I was thinking about how I’d been a bit absent from the blog, not posting so much about what was going on with me, how I took a long break while we were in Oregon where I’d only posted Gratitude Friday, and even then it was only pictures, no words.

So it felt good to take this time, the full cycle of the August Moon, to come here and do a longer update, a full review of what I’ve been working on, thinking, planning. I’m transforming, evolving, but in so many ways, I’m exactly who I’ve always been — and that’s actually the best possible news.

As always, I’m so grateful to Kat for hosting. I feel so so lucky to know her, to call her a kindred, to have her on my side. I adore you, Kat. xo

Today, Kat asks, “What if there is no need to wait until you’re ‘perfectly formed’?”

Don’t wait until you have it all figured out. Pick something easy, something scary. Just start. And keep going.

What if what you are doing right now was actually your destination? What would that mean for your journey?

Yes. This. Stop waiting for something to happen and happen. Have the life you want now. This is all true. I absolutely agree. I live this. I don’t so much need to hear the “just start, don’t wait” part. What I need to remember is that I’m already there, the place I’ve been trying so hard to get is here.

It makes me think of a quote I saw and saved the other day, one I’ve seen attributed both to the brilliant Anonymous and the wise Unknown, “Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about unbecoming everything that isn’t you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.” Which makes me think of something I’ve heard in my Buddhist studies, that we are already enlightened, we just forgot, simply need to remember, wake up. Again, the implication being that rather than becoming, our task is to be. That to evolve, become enlightened is simply to remember who we already are, always have been, to cut through our confusion.

As Rumi said, “I have been a seeker and I still am, but I stopped asking the books and the stars. I started listening to the teachings of my soul.” To be able to hear, see clearly, there’s a need for stillness and quiet, a cessation of busyness. And yet, I am still in the in-between state where I have access to the wisdom but have trouble always applying it. Even though I’d like to say my to-do list for the day is to do nothing, to be aimless, to follow my heart, to honor my hunger and need for rest, to let the “soft animal of my body to love what it loves,” I will actually practice teaching the yoga class for my teacher training final, read the homework from Ringo and I’s training class and watch some related videos and do some work with him, do a load of laundry and balance my checkbook, write two blog posts and prep another — all because it’s Sunday and tomorrow I have to go back to work.

This is the in-between. I am not exactly embodying my own wisdom.