Category Archives: Wishcasting Wednesday

Wishcasting Wednesday

homeskyFor today’s wishcast, Jamie asks, “What risk do you wish to take?” I am immediately reminded of one of my favorite quotes, from Muriel Rukeyser,

What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life? The world would split open.

I wish to risk telling the truth. Telling my story even though it’s often embarrassing and messy and hard, leaning in and letting go, loving myself, being my own best friend, “willing to be stone stupid,” showing up not knowing and unprepared, keeping my heart open, raw and tender, being vulnerable, willing to be wounded.

The truth today is that I am taking another sick day, and as soon as I finish this I will lie down and maybe stay like that the rest of the day, still tired and achy, tender and sad, feeling like I am right at my edge but finally willing to stop, be still, take care of myself, no matter what anyone else might think about that, even as I am working with feeling guilty, a sharp shame surrounding my suffering, my need to rest, that even though it’s my 20th wedding anniversary today a part of me still wonders “does he love me?” and needs to be reassured.

Wishcasting Wednesday

image from Jamie, posted on Instagram

image from Jamie, posted on Instagram, a quote from Susan

Jamie asks on this Wishcasting Wednesday, “What do you wish to clear?” She used another image for her post today, but I love this one that she shared on Instagram so much, I’m using it instead. It combines four of my favorite things: Jamie, Susan, space and magic.

I wish to clear a space for creativity without purpose or agenda. May there be space for joy and play.

I wish to clear my resistance to rest and self-care. May there be room for ease and wellness.

I wish to clear my confusion about my own worth — Sakyong Mipham said once “we think we are rocks, but we are gold.” May there be confidence in my basic goodness, may I trust my fundamental wisdom and compassion and strength.

I wish to clear my avoidance of grief. May there be space for sadness, tenderness, and tears.

I wish to clear my discursive thoughts about food. May there be an opening for self-compassion, for sanity, for wholeness and health.

I wish to clear my guilt, sometimes shame around who I am, what I think, feel, do, the way I smash myself to bits. May there be an opportunity for forgiveness, for kindness, for acceptance.

I wish to clear my agenda, my judgement and criticism. May equanimity arise instead.

I wish to clear all the old rules, the perfectionism, the need to be a good girl, the quest to earn love, the pursuit of permission. May I find crazy wisdom, courage and truth in its place.

Wishcasting Wednesday

from Jamie's post

image from Jamie’s post

This week Jamie asks, “What sign from the Universe do you wish for?” I’ve thought about this, contemplated it all morning and into the afternoon. It’s harder to answer than it might have been even just a few months ago. Is it because I don’t feel particularly confused? Is it because I don’t have any big decisions facing me? Or is it because I am in communication with the Universe, feel like it’s sending me messages and signs all the time?

The dance between confusion and clarity was the theme of my morning practice on this particular day, before I even saw the wishcast prompt. World Domination Summit (WDS) tickets went on sale this morning and I knew I’d be feeling the tug, the “I want one! I want to go! Should I go?,” especially when I started to see all the cool kids posting that they’d purchased theirs.

But I already knew I wasn’t going, had decided, got clear about that a long time ago, and no good would come of trying to force it to fit, from pushing myself to make it work. And yet, this morning I looked up the date for the July intensive weekend for my upcoming yoga teacher training, silently wishing it fell on the exact same weekend, giving me a clear sign that I was meant for other things, that my path was going another direction. I checked, and WDS is the weekend just before that intensive, the weekend we’ll be driving back to Colorado from “our” beach house in Oregon. That was close enough for me. I had wanted a sign in blinking neon, confetti and balloons and a big “ta-da!” but the message was clear even without — “not this, THAT.”

I knew before I looked that Jamie’s prompt would somehow be related to that choice. I have this sense of things recently, a deep knowing and complete trust that I am being guided, helped, supported. Things happen all the time that feel like I have a built in GPS, a guidance system always pointing me towards the truth. Before I meditated or did my writing practice, I pulled a card from my tarot deck, like I’ve been doing each morning. It was the 5 of Wands,

Scattered, Lack of Focus, Lost…a card of conflict. You may find yourself scattered, distracted, tending to everything and nothing. Since wands deal with our dreams & goals, it usually means this conflict resides within. Your energy moves outward in many directions, yet you are suffering inside. Take this card as a warning: find ways to bring calm and focus to your mind or these troubles will only increase.

This weekend is the second annual Open Heart Project virtual retreat. Susan has scheduled in, as she does, time for creativity and for rest, relaxation, along with meditation and dharma talks. I had started negotiating with myself this morning, that blogging would count as creativity, or that I could skip resting to get done what needed done, that I didn’t need to do the full retreat, but then I pulled the 5 of Wands and it was clear to me that I needed to commit, that not doing so wasn’t even an option. I had received a warning directly from the Universe that I needed to “find ways to bring calm and focus” to my mind, or else.

So it isn’t so much “What sign from the Universe do you wish for?,” not wishing but rather pure gratitude that I’m feeling towards the Universe today, so thankful to be helped, to be given the gentlest of nudges in the right direction, the most compassionate reminders. And yet if I could wish for one sign, I would wish that for the fourth time, the Universe make sure the right dog finds us, that when we finally start looking for real, are ready, that the Universe make it clear which one is for us, which one needs us as much as we need him (even if it’s a her).

And P.S. Dear Universe, please make this one a cuddler, full of joy like Dexter was and full of love like Obi was, and one that will adore Sam as much as we do.

Wishcasting Wednesday (on Thursday)

Change

image from Jamie’s post

I spent all day yesterday resisting Jamie’s wishcasting prompt: What do you wish to change? Change = to make or become different. It’s a risky, slippery concept for me, can quickly take me from good intention to judgement and criticism, to focusing on everything that’s wrong, practicing rejection and denial rather than working with what is from a place of curiosity and openness, understanding and acceptance.

For example, if I say I wish to change how I care for and relate to my body, it’s not long before I’m making a list of rules, shoulds, and restrictions, which leads to self-loathing, beating myself up, regret and depression, focusing on all the ways I’ve let myself down, rejecting the body I have now, denying it love and acceptance because it’s not good enough, because I want it to be different, because I wish to change it.

Wishing for change is also risky for me because it can so easily shift my focus to the future, pull me out of the present moment into planning and strategizing, doing, doing, pushing and pulling. In this state, there is no ease, no rest, no balance, no kindness.

Of course, I wish for change in all sorts of ways, specifically in the ways that the current state of things might be causing suffering. Alexandra Franzen always says she wants to leave the world a better place than she found it, to leave the people she encounters better than she found them, so I suppose this is a good, simple way to frame this wish: I wish to change things for the better, and in so doing may I release my agenda, avoid judgement and attachment, and ease suffering, in myself and in the world.

Wishcasting Wednesday

soggywishesToday Jamie asks, “what rules do you wish to break?” It’s strange, or maybe magic, because I met with my therapist today and we got to talking about rules — all the ones I live by, the shoulds, the expectations, the restrictions and judgements about who I should be, when and why and exactly how I should do things.

As a simple example, sometimes I’m already hungry for lunch at 10:30 am, but I struggle with the decision to eat because lunch isn’t until 12:00 pm. In those moments, I often choose the rule over what I need, over caring for myself, and I either don’t eat when I’m actually hungry because “I’m not supposed to yet,” or I do eat and I beat myself up a little for it, (because then when I’m hungry again at 2 or 3 pm, what am I supposed to do?). And yes, I know this makes me sound like a crazy person…

Underlying all these rules is the belief that I have to earn what I need, I have to put forth some kind of effort, I have to be “good” and deserving in order to be worthy of care and love, in order to have my needs met, to feed my hunger. This is not accurate, I know intellectually that without doing a single thing, simply by being, I am worthy of those things, that I am innately wise and compassionate and deserving, but I don’t live as if that were true. Instead I struggle, convinced that something is wrong with me, that I have to fix it, control and monitor myself.

My therapist challenged me to start keeping a list of the rules as they arise. I paid attention as I left her office and went to the grocery store, came home to walk Sam, checked my email, did some work, really noticed all the times I judged what I was doing or thinking, assessed whether or not I was doing it “right.” It felt as if every single thing I did, there was an internal critic judging and evaluating, determining if I was good enough. I think this is happening all the time, every moment, and I’ve grown so used to it I don’t even notice it anymore, assume that’s just the way life is. That’s not okay, not at all workable, and will not lead to peace or contentment.

So, kind and gentle reader, I wish to break ALL the rules. Every single should or have to, every regulation or standard or principle or law I have constructed, anything that measures who I am and what I do against some prescribed guide for conduct or action. I wish to let all that go, to simply be present for myself, to give myself what I need, to take care of myself, to be gentle and kind, open and curious.

Wishcasting Wednesday

clown

It’s never too late to take the essence of what you care about and build it, savor it, offer it to the aching world. ~Jennifer Louden

Today, Jamie asks “What of your history do you want to remember?” I wish to remember “her story,” who I am, was and still. A big hearted, joyful and creative person who knows she is loved and safe and of value, who wants to help, wants to enjoy herself but also see others happy, a girl who loves laughing as much as she loves to make others smile.  A girl with strong intuition and a sense of awe and wonder about the world, who loves art and nature. A girl who has always known who she is, even before she could name it, knew what to call it — writer, teacher, healer — with a heart made of moss, mold, mud, and Marionberries, whose blood is half seawater and half ink.

I wish to remember that for ever and always, I have been fundamentally wise and compassionate, that it’s my basic nature, my core humanness, and that this is always there, the only thing that never changes.

meanddressy

Wishcasting Wednesday (on a Thursday)

What Do You Wish to Savour?

…my mornings. I get up at 4:30 a.m. and for the first hour or two, my only responsibility is to feed the dog. I pull a tarot card, meditate, write, check my email, Facebook, Instagram, maybe read or write a blog post — time just for me, to practice and contemplate.

…time alone with Sam, having just one dog, just him for a brief time.

…my yoga practice, as I continue to direct compassion towards my body, to be present with it, as I prepare to start teacher training.

…my mediation practice, to relax into that vast, open space, to trust that is always there, always available and accessible.

…my writing practice, the opportunity to go deeper, to more fully experience and understand, to open my heart.

…the transition between seasons, summer to fall, even as I chant “it’s too hot” to remember this time is passing, to notice that things are manifesting their final foliage, blooms and fruits.

…the plenty from my garden, this time of so many tomatoes and cucumbers that we can’t possibly eat them all ourselves, the temporary sweetness of their full, fresh flavor.

…the opportunities coming, the chance to spend time with amazing teachers and good friends.

…each task, seen through until its completion, rather than rushing past some of the details to hurry to the next thing.

…the abundance that is my life now, how simple and small, how deep and wide, how perfect.

Like my dear friend Julia wrote in a recent poem, I wish to savour this life, this experience, and to

Slow way down
get close and closer
listen like crazy
to your life