Category Archives: Well-Fed Woman Mini Retreatshop

Wishcasting Wednesday

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Where do you wish to go?


The most literal answer to this would be to list the places I want to go: Amsterdam in the summer, Japan, Victoria BC, the Appalachian Trail, the Oregon Coast, New York (Broadway!), Germany, Hawaii, Australia, and New Zealand.

But I’m really not much for traveling. I’m not one of those people who has a wanderlust, a desire to travel to far away places, to see exotic things and eat strange food. I’m a homebody. I like to stay in one place, to sink into it deeply, to know it and love it. It’s why when we go to the Oregon Coast, we take our dogs, rent a house (this summer will be our third time in the exact same house), and stay for a month.

Most of my wishes about going somewhere have more to do with connecting to someone I couldn’t see otherwise. And a lot of those wishes are coming true: I hosted a Well-Fed Woman’s Retreatshop led by Rachel Cole, I went to a writing and meditation workshop facilitated by Susan Piver, in May I’ll be attending a two day workshop led by Brene’ Brown, three other amazing women I long to meet and thank and tell to their sweet faces how much I adore them will be at the World Domination Summit so there’s at least a chance of doing so, a sweet bird told me she’ll be teaching with another two in November, and another I will most likely get to see this summer (if she’s not famous and off on a whirlwind book tour already)–it’s all happening.

My remaining wish is to go deeper inside myself, to get to that core of sanity and vast space within, quiet and still, beyond ego and attachment.

I wish to go deeper in to love and compassion.

I wish to go deeper in to wisdom, awareness and knowing, confidence.

I wish to go the distance, all the way, for the long haul.

I wish to “go to there,” (and I love it if you get that reference, dear reader).

What I Learned About Myself Hosting a Well-Fed Woman Retreatshop

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I mentioned in my review of Rachel Cole’s Fort Collins Well-Fed Woman Retreatshop that as a host, my experience of the Retreatshop itself was not typical because I was focused on that duty. When you host, you have a different experience than the other attendees–you set up the space, hold the space, maintain the integrity of that container. You adjust the heat, keep out anyone not part of the group, give directions, hand out tissues if people cry, and try not to monopolize things by talking too much.

However, through facilitating that event, I learned a few things about myself.

I am funny. Not in a mean, critical, unnatural or forced way, but in a way that cheers people up, softens them and makes them feel at ease. For example, when I got up to introduce the space and Rachel, I started with directions to the bathroom. I hadn’t planned to say it, but what came out was something like this, “When you go out the main studio door, take a left. You’ll find yourself in the main common area and on the other side is a hallway. Follow that to the end and on the left is…nirvana.” As everyone laughed, I said “No, it’s just the bathroom.” I hadn’t planned that joke (although, if I ever host an event there again, I am totally using it), it was just what came out while I was talking. I am willing to be a fool for a laugh, a smile, to put someone at ease and soften the energy of a room.

I am generous. This makes people feel cared for and loved and comfortable. It is one of my most fundamental qualities, (even though I take it to an unhealthy extreme sometimes). A friend said of me recently, “A Jill that isn’t ‘giving’ isn’t Jill. ‘Giving’ seems like a natural part of who you are.”

I am enthusiastic. This was something Rachel pointed out at the event. One of my students last semester put it this way “when Jill gets to talking, she sometimes repeats herself, but I think it’s just because she’s excited.” If I care about something, I get a rush of energy and can be quite animated.

I’m curious. No matter what’s happening, I want to learn what I can from it. I want to understand, to know.

I am loved by some amazing women. Rachel said so, that it was a great group and she could tell they really loved me. I don’t often let that in, let myself notice, because I am so busy giving and loving and performing, but I noticed that day, and I’ve carried it with me ever since.

I am brave, even when I’m afraid. Even though it seemed so unlike me, the highly sensitive introvert, I asked Rachel to come, I emailed people to tell them they should come too, and I spent a lot of time with Rachel by myself and only got really nervous twice, and only right at the beginning. Most of the weekend, I was present and my heart was open, in public, with people. There was so much at stake–Rachel’s comfort and respect, the quality of the event, friendships, my sense of myself and my value–but I didn’t let that freeze me up, I didn’t run from it or try to numb out.

After so many years of self-hate, I am hungry for self-care and self-love. I am ready. So many years of denial and restriction, perfectionism, feeling unworthy, being bullied, and smashing myself to bits, I’m really ready to work with these patterns, these habits that no longer serve me (if they ever did).

I can’t pull off peacock shoes, but I can celebrate and love a woman who rocks them.