Uncategorized | Open Space Practice, (AKA: A Thousand Shades of Gray)

I first encountered Cigdem Kobu’s work by way of an amazing project she created in 2012, A Year With Myself. That fall, I did Reset. Revive. Restart., a collaboration between Cigdem and Sandi Amorim. I am excited in the years to come to take advantage of the support she offers women solopreneurs — she describes that work this way,

I help quiet-loving women solopreneurs build a unique online business with more ease and less stress so that they do their greatest work and earn a lot more doing what fulfills their hearts. I write, I teach, I design e-programs, build websites, connect people, and create peacefully supportive communities. And I teach other creative people (in plain English) how to do the same. I believe business is fun when it nourishes your heart first and that building a business is the best way for deep personal growth.

Everything Cigdem creates is infused with a particular tenderness and strength that is unique to her. She creates safe and supportive spaces where women are able to discover their own power, a fierce love energy that is so essentially feminine. So often, culture attempts to strip women of this power, to bind and restrict them, and Cigdem offers a way out, a “cease-fire,” freedom.

Cigdem is a writer, business advisor and teacher who pursues peaceful triumphs in life, work and art. She also runs the Progress Lounge, a peaceful business haven where she helps introverted women solopreneurs build a sustainable and joy-filled business that fits them like a glove. I am so happy to offer her perspective on self-compassion with you.

1. What does self-compassion mean, what is it? How would you describe or define it?

For me, self-compassion is keeping a caring, gentle eye on my most important needs and desires – big or small and inner or outer – and giving myself the permission to do more of what brings me ease and energy, and less of what drains me.

2. How did you learn self-compassion? Did you have a teacher, a guide, a path, a resource, a book, a moment of clarity or specific experience?

It’s been a long process. And it’s a work in progress. Along the way, my guides were people, books, experiences, journeys, and the lessons that come from recalling, untangling and understanding the past. My past, my family’s past and the past of the world we live in.

Other guides?

Perhaps, rediscovering and remembering over and over again that we’re all deeply connected and that compassion and self-compassion, and loving yourself and another or the Earth cannot be separated… Also, finding out that this nugget of truth is one that I must remind myself of day in day out.

3. How do you practice self-compassion, what does that experience look like for you?

(i) I focus on noticing.

I watch, I observe, and I lean into myself. Self-compassion cannot be thought apart from self-discovery and self-understanding. Everything I do whether related to personal or business growth is deeply connected with self-discovery and the deeper alignment that it makes possible. And for that, the first step for me has always been noticing.

(ii) I allow myself to spend as much quiet and alone time as I need to feel energized.

I’m a hard-core introvert, and if I don’t get my daily quiet and me-time, I can get really cranky – toward myself and others. So quiet solitude is what I MUST HAVE for self-compassion – first and foremost.

For me, and many introverted people, white space incites creativity, quiet is a source of energy, and solitude is rich with possibilities. I’ve learned to appreciate and safeguard all three and summon those qualities in every environment I craft for myself and my kind.

(iii) I encourage myself to say “no” when “yes” is not what my heart desires.

Saying “no” has always been one of the most difficult things for me. It took me very long time to learn to say “no” when I really don’t want to say “yes.” It’s still something I’m learning to get better at.

By nature and because of my upbringing, I hate conflicts and making people upset. Isn’t that true for so many of us women? So in my life, I’ve ended up saying “yes” to so many things even though my right answer was, in fact, a big “no.”

Now I’m a little better at saying no. But just a bit better 🙂

What I still have to learn is to say “no” the way my dear friend Tara Rodden Robinson says in The Reliability Manifesto: “When I speak my ‘no,’ I do so with love and courage. Therefore, I say ‘no,’ plainly, without squirming, apologizing, or making superfluous explanations.”

4. What do you still need to learn, to know, to understand? What is missing from your practice of self-compassion, what do you still struggle with?

I think today I’m a little better at self-compassion for my inner self. But I still have space to grow in the way I give my compassion to my body and care for my physical being. Honestly, I suck at it these days.

I used to be better at it in the past. I love my business so much that it doesn’t feel like work at all. But this also causes me to forget to take enough breaks, and I sometimes get caught up in doing more, more, more.

I do a lot of writing and creating in front of the computer. And when I don’t take enough time to rest and move, this quickly starts affecting my physical health.

So I have to keep reminding myself that it’s OK to slow down, and that it’s OK to take slower and smaller steps toward my destination. My natural rhythm rocks. All I have to do is notice and remember. And also, stand up and move.

Like you always say, this is also about “practice, which means showing up again and again with an open heart.” 🙂

I am so grateful to Cigdem, for these responses, but also for her honesty about her own experience and her support of women as they make their offering to the world. To find out more about Cigdem, to connect with her:

Visit her website
Take her free e-class The 12 Entrepreneurial Laws of Joy and Ease.
Follow her on Facebook
Follow her on Twitter
Pin her on Pinterest
Circle her on Google+

Next on Self-Compassion Saturday: Lisa Field-Elliot.

P.S. If you didn’t see the first post in this series, you might want to read Self-Compassion Saturday: The Beginning. Or make your way through all the posts tagged Self-Compassion Saturday.

I don’t remember how I first found Sandi Amorim’s work. I do know that I immediately adored her. She is equal parts fierce and soft, someone who both challenges and comforts me. She was part of the A Year With Myself project that I took part in during 2012, started by Cigdem Kobu, and that fall, I did Reset. Revive. Restart., a collaboration between Cigdem and Sandi.

I got to meet Sandi when I went to World Domination Summit. The story of that initial connection is a bit of magic that I will keep with me always. On the first day, I went to a meet-up hosted by Farnoosh Brock. I was keeping my eye out for Sandi, because I knew she was supposed to be there too. In my pocket was a heart-shaped rock I’d found on the beach. When I found it, I thought to myself, “I’m going to take this and give it to Sandi.” What I didn’t know is that for years Sandi has been collecting heart-shaped rocks. So when I finally saw her, I went over, told her who I was, hugged her and sat next to her — and I mean next to her, even though we were meeting for the first time, I feel like I needed to be as close as possible, stopped just short of crawling into her lap — and handed her the rock.

She gave me the funniest look. At first I thought I had somehow offended her, done something wrong. She finally said, “How did you know I collected these?” I laughed, relieved that I hadn’t upset her, and said, “I didn’t. I just knew when I found it that I wanted to bring it to you.”

As a coach, Sandi is “An instigator. The spark to your flame. Ruthlessly compassionate. I’ll do whatever it takes to have you shine.” I am so happy to share her perspective on self-compassion with you today.

1. What does self-compassion mean, what is it? How would you describe or define it?

Whenever I’m in doubt or curious about what a word actually means, I go straight to my dictionary – a nerdy habit I’ve had since childhood – and what often amazes me is how watered down or altered many words become over time.

com·pas·sion: a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering

Brene Brown says, “Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart.” This quote made me realize that even though I’ve come a long way with self-compassion, it’s a practice that needs ongoing nurturing. I’m quick to do what I can to alleviate the suffering of others, but sometimes what I need for myself is completely hidden from my view.

My greatest challenge and learning from this practice is that self-care and compassion has to come first – not after I’ve taken care of others, or done my work for the day, etc. but as my first priority.

2. How did you learn self-compassion? Did you have a teacher, a guide, a path, a resource, a book, a moment of clarity or specific experience?

One of my first mentors said to me many years ago, “If you treated others the way you treat yourself, you’d have no friends.” I’ve never forgotten the truthful sting of his words, and it’s both haunted and guided me throughout my personal growth journey. Is it handled? No, but I’m more aware of it now than I’ve ever been. The tools I use to nurture this mindfulness include meditation, writing, photography, and silent retreats. Of all of them, it is silence which has been my greatest teacher on compassion, both for myself and others. There is nothing quite like being alone with yourself after a few days of silence. It is, for me, the space where self-compassion is most natural.

Another teacher has been my body, and it has been a patient and persistent teacher. The lesson was loud and clear – if I don’t listen the first time it communicates, it will keep sending more, increasingly intense messages. For most of my life I took my health and body for granted, so when it began sending the messages that something had to change, I paid no attention. The impact of this was huge, and it’s taken a major shift in self-care to restore my energy and well-being. It was a hard lesson to learn, but looking back I can appreciate it now as it woke me up to what was needed – that strong desire to alleviate suffering (in myself) from the definition above.

My dog Tarty has quickly become a new guide on this journey of self-compassion. She is unapologetic in putting her needs first, and in respecting her needs, I am learning to take care of my own.

3. How do you practice self-compassion, what does that experience look like for you?

After I turned 50, I began taking a daily self portrait to document what I call ‘the year of living 50’ and the experience has been profound. More than looking in a mirror, when I sit with an image of myself – some days dressed and ready to greet the world, other days bare-faced and bed-headed – I’m confronted by my own humanity and how harshly I’ve judged myself over the years. Being with myself in this way has been difficult – and exquisite. When I look in the mirror now after a few months of this practice, I see a woman worthy of love. A woman I love.

4. What do you still need to learn, to know, to understand? What is missing from your practice of self-compassion, what do you still struggle with?

Some days I feel obsessed with the need to understand why this is such an ongoing struggle, not just for myself but for most women I know. The only way I know to understand is to keep moving forward myself, to keep peeling back the layers, and keep exposing the tender heart within. What’s missing? Patience. Always patience.

I am so grateful to Sandi, for these responses, but also for her wisdom and her friendship, her fierce love and presence in the world. To find out more about Sandi, to connect with her: