From our walk this morning

1. Truth: This is not sustainable. And by “this,” I mean the way I’m doing life. I am trying to do all the things, and then some. Even if I weren’t a highly sensitive introvert with an autoimmune disorder and lingering PTSD, it would be too much for me to keep up.

2. Truth: Even though I know that, I don’t know how to stop, or even slow down. My therapist asked me what I might be able to let go of, and I couldn’t think of a single thing. Not only that, what I started thinking about instead were all the things I wanted to add, needed to do in addition to what I’m already doing.

3. Truth: I hope the solution doesn’t arise from the ashes of a full on burnout. I’d really like to figure this out before hitting some awful rock bottom. I’d like to make choices about what I want and what to do from a place where I feel like I have options, not a place of chaos, panic, or collapse.

One wish: May my choices come from pure love and wisdom, reflecting sanity and clarity rather than fear or confusion or exhaustion.

A watermelon, from my garden!

1. Truth: I’m back at work at CSU. *sigh* Students are moving into the dorms today and tomorrow, but classes don’t start until Monday, so it’s still relatively quiet — unless you count the construction on the new stadium and elsewhere. I am always amazed in the first days back how tired I get working. My days are full up just taking care of the regular stuff — meditating, writing, blogging, walking and training the dogs, doing my physical therapy, going to the gym or yoga, doing laundry, paying bills, making and going to various appointments to care for my body or car, grocery shopping and cooking, cleaning and maintaining the house, tending the garden, cultivating a marriage, etc.  Add eight hours of intensiveness mental, creative, social work to that, and by the end of the day all I want to do is eat dinner and go straight to bed.

2. Truth: It doesn’t help that I take on extra things. This semester, I have a Wild Writing class, am getting certified as a meditation instructor through the Open Heart Project, am doing a Canine Parkour class with Ringo, got a trainer for both Sam and Ringo to come and do private sessions at our house and am doing lots of extra work with them in general, am subbing some yoga classes, got the crazy idea that I could do a Wild Writing, Crazy Wisdom class at my house once a month with a smaller group of women, am the officiant of a wedding next month, and want to start running and weight training again now that my foot is better.  And I need to paint our house and have a couple of smaller trees in the backyard taken out and hopefully plant a new tree before it gets too cold. *sigh*

3. Truth: Maybe rather than trying to refine my effort, I should consider surrender. There’s a calm, a confidence I generate during the summer, a certainty about what needs done and what can wait, about who I am and what matters to me and what I want, a general and overall well-being that is so clear and easy — and somehow begins to erode as the semester wears on. Instead of feeling bad about that, I’m going to get curious about it. I’m going to lower the bar. I’m going to ask for help. I’m going to eat and rest and exercise even if it means other things don’t get done.

One wish: No matter our circumstances or particular struggles, may we relax with what is, not forget ourselves, not give up, and most importantly maintain our sense of humor.