Category Archives: Suffering

Three Truths and One Wish

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1. Truth: I find it really, really difficult to go on with my life as usual when someone I love is dying. Today is Eric and I’s 19th wedding anniversary, and even though we have tickets for an Aimee Mann concert tomorrow night, tickets I bought specifically as an anniversary present for us, we both forgot that today was the day to celebrate because we’ve been too distracted by the hard stuff in our lives. And it’s not just the big stuff I’m having trouble engaging, it’s all the small stuff. I had a moment last night when I noticed the thick layer of dust in the living room, on the books, the TV, the end tables, and my first thought after noticing was “I’ll dust when Dexter is gone, because I can’t face it right now, can’t waste time on that. It’s just not important.”

2. Truth: I don’t always know what to do. For a retired perfectionist, a master puzzle solver and super stubborn human, this is incredibly frustrating. I try to stay openhearted and present, quiet and still enough that my innate wisdom can arise, but quite often, the panicked chatter of my monkey mind and the howling of intense emotions get in the way and I am confused.

3. Truth: Practice helps me clear my mind and stay in the present moment. When I write, I can dump all the nonsense and the noise and work my way towards understanding. Yoga and walking help me to move, to feel my body in the world, just as it is, to engage with it fully, to release the tension of resisting the way things are and the wishing for things to be different. When I meditate, my mind softens and settles and I can practice being gentle, allowing my deeper wisdom and compassion to manifest. And the practices of love and dog constantly remind me of impermanence, of the reality that change is real and I have no control, that all I can do is surrender, to open my heart and love knowing full well that my heart will be broken as a result.

One wish: For relief, for our collective suffering, shared and private, to ease. For us to find the strength to stand right where we are, just as we are, keeping our hearts open to the way things really are, knowing that we are a part of something beautiful.

Three Truths and One Wish

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1. Truth: I generate my own suffering. I wear a deep rut in the ground, walking the same path, acting out the same habitual patterns, thinking the same discursive thoughts, allowing myself to be swept away by the same strong emotions, caught up in the same drama, the same old story, over and over, again and again. I am confused and stubborn, clinging to my attachment and judgment, my rejection and resistance–keeping me from life as it is, which is ultimately workable, which is here. But the good news is: because I generate my own suffering, I can stop.

2. Truth: I think I am a rock, but I am gold. I am basically good, inherently wise and kind–it is our fundamental human nature. And yet, so often I refuse to see it, convince myself otherwise. I cause myself so much pain, smashing myself to bits, resisting the magic, the power, the full measure of light and love that is me. When I get quiet, sit still, stay calm and breathe, I can see my genuine self clearly, resting in the spaciousness and wakefulness and compassion that is always there.

3. Truth: Life is tender and terrible, beautiful and brutal. Even so, I aspire to open my heart to all of it, to live fully and wholeheartedly, with courage and kindness. Sometimes, the reality of impermanence brings me to my knees, completely overwhelms me, and I am frozen by panic, broken by sadness and pain–and yet, even then, I know that it is better to be awake, to be alive, to have an open heart.

One wish: That even when we are afraid or sad or stuck, we can maintain an awareness of our worth, our goodness. That even as life changes and things die, we can “find the strength to know we are a part of something beautiful,” (Alexi Murdoch). That even as we suffer and are confused, we can keep our hearts open, courageously manifesting love and compassion.