Category Archives: Life Rehab

Day of Rest

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Yesterday, I took vows. Other than with Eric, I have always been reluctant to take vows, become a member of anything, to be contained or defined and responsible in that way. My spiritual path, as I have mentioned before, is meditation, yoga, writing, and dog. There isn’t a single church for this, and yet, I do feel as if I “belong,” feel like I have a sangha: an association or assembly, company or community with common goal, vision or purpose–it’s just that I don’t typically find them all gathered in one place. Some are at my yoga studio, some in my writing group, some are my friends, some practice meditation with me in various locations, some are walking the trails I walk, some are online, and some are even where I work.

And yet, when I read the Shambhala Vow and the Enlightened Society Vow, there was nothing there I disagreed with–plenty of things that would be difficult, but nothing that I didn’t already wholeheartedly believe, nothing I wasn’t already committing my life and practice to, so why not vow? Make a solemn promise, take an oath, speak the words in a ceremony with witnesses, swear it, make a pledge to it. These were the socks I wore, and while it is a brand name they are marked by, it was true–no nonsense. This was me, speaking the truth and making a promise.

These vows solidified, stated and celebrated what I am doing in this year of retreat, this life-rehab. In the first, the Shambhala Vow, one section says: “From now on, I will honor my vow of basic goodness by being gentle with myself, kind to others, and courageous in my life.” If you’ve been reading this blog for very long, you know this is what I am trying to do, exactly. “Having compassion for others and kindness toward the world, I will regard my entire life as a journey of deepening and training” — a year long retreat, a life-rehab, yes. “I will share humor, sadness, and delight with my fellow warriors. I will reflect on the profound wisdom of humanity daily, never losing enthusiasm for human potential.” That’s you, kind and gentle reader, fellow warrior, and what I am doing here is a reflection of my gratitude for, my awe in the face of our potential, the tender and open-hearted vulnerability and bravery, the sadness and love I have for all of it, the chance we have to heal ourselves and heal the world.

My favorite part of the second vow, the Enlightened Society Vow, is this:

This brave and fearless mind will constantly strive, day and night, to create enlightened society on this earth. This is the warrior I will be. May creating enlightened society be my first thought in the morning, my last thought in the evening, and even accompany me in my dreams.

Knowing that such courage intimidates others, through enlightened reflection and deep contemplation, I have come to this conclusion: if humanity and all beings who suffer at the hands of their own doubt are to be truly happy, they must discover their own basic goodness.

A society of such great and courageous beings can change the tide of humanity from a force of environmental and self-destruction to one of personal confidence, self-liberation, and environmental harmony.

Yesterday was a long and beautiful day. And today I rested. I am bound by these vows, as I am by the vows I spoke when I married Eric, but in both cases, the connection, the obligation, this statement of faith and love is a path to freedom.

I want you to believe yourself

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We begin to find and become ourselves when we notice how we are already found, already truly, entirely, wildly, messily, marvelously who we were born to be. ~Anne Lamott

For the past week, I have been a mess. I am dealing with a health thing, an imbalance that is making me anxious and depressed and tired and cold and heavy, (if you have a functioning thyroid, thank it right now for all the good work it does for you). I don’t want to get out of bed, and if I do, I certainly don’t want to leave the house, sometimes can’t trust myself to open my mouth, and a lot of the time, I feel like I’m about to cry. I have a doctor’s appointment early next week that will hopefully begin the process of getting that balance restored.

Then there’s Sam. He is sweet and goofy and I love him so much, but he’s also a challenge for me. We had our training session yesterday with the amazing Sarah Stremming from Cognitive Canine, and while I’d hoped to feel better, lighter, more confident and calm afterwards, instead I felt overwhelmed and shaky and discouraged. Watching him be frustrated and anxious and feeling like I don’t quite understand how to help him navigate that just makes me so sad. Sarah gave me a lot of new information and I was trying to process and remember, what to do and what not to do, but I felt myself sinking lower and lower. I went to bed at 8 pm, because I could no longer keep myself upright and I needed to have a good cry. I know that a lot of this is due to my thyroid being out of whack, and because of that I can’t completely trust myself right now, but when you are in it, it’s hard to be rational, to remember that there’s that thing that is distorting your perception–you just feel what you feel, and it doesn’t feel good.

On Kind Over Matter’s Friday’s Lovelies list this week, there’s a link to Tanya Geisler’s “Thing Finding Thursday,” (you might remember, I wrote a post about “The Thing” before), which she describes as “stories of people who found their Things, and how they did it — so you can do it, too.” I looked through Tanya’s archives, and found two videos I wanted to watch: one with Dyana Valentine and one with Jennifer Louden, two of my favorite women.

Dyana Valentine talked about rooting what you do, your thing, in your strengths and core values. And she reminds us that “just because you are good at something doesn’t mean you have any business doing it.” Towards the end of the video, when Tanya asks her “what do you want for the people watching you right now?” and Dyana’s answer had me in tears. She says:

I want for you to believe yourself. And I don’t mean believe in yourself but I want you to believe yourself. I want you to believe what you experience. I want you to believe what you say to yourself and to other people. I want you to believe that you are on the planet and we are happy that you are here. I want you to believe that if you know something is not working for you that you can make that change–you don’t have to make it now, but I want you to believe that you know the difference between right and right now.

Jennifer Louden said of The Thing in her “Thing Finding Thursday” video with Tanya “it’s okay if you found it and abandoned it and found it and abandoned it and found it and abandoned it. And we can be ashamed that we’ve given up and we’re here again, or we can celebrate and get support.” She finishes up by saying:

Sometimes the things that you most care about are the things that you’re most afraid of, so you may know very well what your thing is and you may know that you may not be able to bring it to life the way that you want and that may break your heart, but don’t let that heartbreak stop you from trying.

“Warriorship means that when there are obstacles, we do not back off,” (Sakyong Mipham). So, as I feel discouraged, brokenhearted, and messy, I choose to get support and help rather than to give up. I believe myself. And I don’t let the heartbreak stop me from trying. This is my dog, my thing, my life. “I know the more I embrace My Thing, the more exciting and dangerous the adventure of life will become,” (Brandy Glows on Thing Finding Thursday). I am challenged and afraid of failure, and more than a little tired, but I am not broken, I am not done. I am already found, already truly, entirely, wildly, messily, marvelously who I was born to be.