Category Archives: Encouragement

Now you see it. Now you don’t.

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I met a friend for coffee yesterday afternoon, and we got to talking about the difference between awareness and mindfulness.  I was explaining how I am more aware now, can see myself as I start to enact old habits, practice old patterns, specifically of numbing out or perfection, but most of the time, I am unable to stop myself.  Instead, I watch it happen, the same way it has thousands of times before.

For example, I make the chocolate zucchini bread with an awareness that I typically can’t eat it like a “normal” person, that I have trouble stopping because the more I can eat, the more numb I feel.  I feel bad and want the bad to go away, and this works.

But I make promises to myself that this time will be different, I will control myself, I will “be good,” but get into a heated argument with the one that needs the zucchini bread, as much of it as I can stand to stuff in.  It needs to feel better, now, and this is how to make that happen, so “you” aren’t going to stop me–I am doing this.

This is the point where my awareness–awareness of the danger, my understanding of the ineffectiveness of this strategy, the knowledge of how ashamed I’ll feel when it’s over, that it won’t actually help in the long run, that it’s actually my heart that is starving and this is not going to feed it, never going to satisfy that hunger no matter how much I eat–slips away. 

The next thing I know, I’ve eaten two huge pieces and I feel sick to my stomach.  It’s like when you get in your car to go to work, aware that you are getting in your car to go to work, and next thing you know, you are there, and have no memory of the drive–complete mindlessness.

My friend and I also talked about how sometimes it is like watching a movie of ourselves doing the thing.  There’s no moment when we aren’t aware, we see all of it, but still, we do like we always do.

This can be incredibly frustrating and discouraging.  And yet, there are so many reminders that this is how it happens, and that’s okay, that it’s worth continuing to try.

“True life is lived when tiny changes occur.”
— Leo Tolstoy

It is the “Half Step that Will Change Your Life.”

“Pause and Deepen Your Attention.”

image via Demetri Martin in 'This Is a Book'

This afternoon, rather than going to City Park to walk the dogs, Eric and I drove up to Mount Margaret, one of our favorite places. I relaxed, breathed, heard and felt the wind, took many steps, and let go. This is what it means. You practice, you keep showing up, you stop “smashing yourself to bits” when you see yourself doing the same old things, instead you love the suffering, you accept and lean in, and you promise to keep watching, being aware, for as long as it takes.

  • What are you attempting to balance? What are you trying to break?

Do the Hustle

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I was so busy thinking about work yesterday morning, and then going to work and working, that I forgot to go to a class I had registered for, “Managing Personal Stress.”  It was a three hour class intended to “help you develop a personal stress management plan to help you reduce the worry and stress you feel from life changes, challenges, and situations, and find new ways for moving through stressful circumstances.”  And I missed it. It’s very telling when the efforts I make to manage my stress fall apart as a direct result of one of the main things that causes me stress.

And by the end of the day yesterday, my head hurt, my stomach was upset, my back was cramping, and I felt dizzy.  I was frustrated, irritated, and sad. Tension and yuck was flooding my system.  I have dogs and I meditate and I do yoga and I write, every day, and yet I still seem to falter, push myself too hard, don’t get enough rest–I don’t take care of myself. 

This week in my Ordinary Courage class, we watched Brene’ Brown’s DVD “The Hustle for Worthiness: Exploring the Power of Love, Belonging, and Being Enough.”

In the DVD, Brene’ talks about the conflict between who we are & what we believe and who “you” want me to be & believe. We end up working so hard to fit in, to be deemed worthy and in that way get the love and belonging we need, we assess each situation and assimilate, we hustle for worthiness (we perform, please, try to be perfect)–which does not work to get us what we need.  Instead, we lose our sense of meaning, purpose and joy because we are utterly disconnected from ourselves.

She also talks about how “you better be able to tell the truth about who you are and where you came from and what you are up against, and love yourself in the process.” In the class, our challenge this week was to browse Dr. Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion website and take her Self-Compassion Inventory.  Having already read one of Brene’ Brown’s books, I had taken this test this summer.  The results were not good.  Taking it again three months later, they were worse.

Considering the life-rehab I’m involved in, you might expect that three months later, I’d be better at this.  I am more cognizant of the issue, even as I continue to falter and stumble.  Most likely I was more honest, more aware of how I really am with myself when I took the inventory this time.  The way the scale works, the average is 3.0, with 1-2.5 being low in self-compassion and 2.5-3.5 moderate, and 3.5-5.0 is high.  I tested at 2.48 this summer and 1.56 this time. Not good.

But I am working on it.  It’s really all I can do.  Keep showing up, keep trying, and know that it’s going to take time. Our habitual way of being with ourselves, when it has been with us for so long and we are so good at it, will take a long time to shift. At first, all you can do is see it for what it is, even as you watch yourself behave in those same old ways.

As for today, I napped with the dogs on the couch and cried a little, watched Brene’s DVD, took a walk, made Eric hug me extra.  I made casserole for dinner (comfort food) and rented “Bridesmaids.” Tomorrow, I can try again.

  • “You, yourself, as much as anybody else in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha