I took a Loving-Kindness Meditation and Yoga Nidra workshop this summer with Ed and Deb Shapiro, two amazing and loving people with years and years of Yoga and Meditation between them.  During the Yoga Nidra practice, Ed asked us to look into our heart and name our deepest desire, to repeat it three times. 

This is known in the practice as a sankalpa, an intention affirmation based on your heart’s longing.  You phrase it in a way that it is already true, already happening now.  It’s not a wish or hope, it is the truth.  In the split second before I asked my heart what this truth would be, I had no idea what it would say.

Sankalpa

And then my heart spoke: “Your voice is strong, simple, and brave.”  And after, just the word, over and over: “Brave.” It glowed there in my chest as Ed’s strong, soft voice guided us through the rest of the practice.  Towards the end, when he asked us to repeat our sankalpa, he told us that it was a seed that was planted in our hearts where it would continue to grow and blossom.

This word keeps coming up for me, brave, often in direct contradiction to whatever current, intense fear I am feeling.  I struggle with being brave, with feeling my fear and not getting stuck or running away. Today, it was fear about one of the dogs.  I got home from yoga, and Sam had torn up his bed.  As much of a crazy puppy this Lab, Border Collie mix can be, and as young as he still is, he has never done that.

I checked all the blankets, one by one.  Did he throw up?  Was there a toy in his bed? Had he wet the bed?  But there was nothing, other than a mess of blankets.  And then he didn’t seem like he could settle down.  He’d go to one spot, lie down for a few minutes, get up and go somewhere else, repeat.  I knew there was no tummy upset happening, and he wasn’t limping, so I did a full body check.

There was a tiny bump that obviously hurt on his cheek by his lip, and his nose was a bit swollen.  He most likely had been stung by one of the bees that are feeding on our tomatillo plant.  I called the vet, gave him some antihistamine and kept an eye on him.  Later in the day, we noticed his right eye was swollen too.

This is no big deal, except for the fact that Sam hadn’t been stung before so we didn’t know if he was allergic.  This was no big deal, except for the fact that any time something happens to one of the dogs (like with Dexter’s sprained toe a few weeks ago), I can’t help but turn it into a life and death situation.

I have post traumatic stress disorder when it comes to the dogs because of how Obi’s cancer was diagnosed.  We found a tiny lump in his shoulder that we thought was a scar or bite or maybe a small cyst.  We weren’t even going to take him to the vet for it, that’s how small and innocent it was, but we needed to take him in for his annual exam, so we had them check it while we were there.  It turned out to be a cancerous lymph node, the first stages of the cancer that would take him.

So you see, there is no small event when it comes to the dogs’ health, because in my experience, even the small things can be indicators of The Big Thing.  The thing we are all afraid of, the thing underneath all our other fears: we will all die, everyone we’ve ever loved will die.

And yet, there’s the lesson: this is all temporary anyway, so why not be brave and live now?  I am struggling with my fear, working with my fear, loving my fear, hanging out with my fear.  I tell myself that I am brave already, to honor my fear and do it anyway.  I tell myself that the world needs me to show up.  And I am.  I take the classes, do the work, read the books, scribble the words, practice, practice, practice, laugh and cry, tell people I love them, that I’m grateful.

There’s this great new song by Allie Moss called “Corner.”  In it, she sings:

When your world trembles and quakes
And your footing suddenly shifts and shakes

Take my hand
We’ll hide in the corner
Hide in the corner
Take my hand
We’ll hide ’til it’s over
‘Til it’s all over

We have choices to make
We have promises that we can’t break
There is nothing left to lose
So hold on to me
I’ll hold on to you

Take my hand
We’ll hide in the corner

This might not be what you’d expect brave to look like, this shivery mess that is sometimes me.  But as long as we have each other, even if we have to hide in the corner holding hands for the worst of it, it will be okay.  We can be brave, and alive, for as long as we have.

• Go deep inside now. Deep inside to notice your heart’s deepest longing. Create a sankalpa, an intention affirmation based on your heart’s longing. What does your heart desire? What is your sankalpa?