jillsalahub

1. Spring. Lilac blooms, rain, everything so so green and lush, bird song in the morning, the promise of summer vacation, lazing around in the backyard.

2. Dharma of Writing. We had our first session last night, one of four. My dad told me on his birthday a few weeks ago that he’s giving me one year to write this book I keep talking about, and last night I worked on it. The first task is to start typing up and working with the 10+ years worth of journals I’ve filled. I’ve always joked that if I just did that, I’d have 70% of the book already written, and after an hour of doing just that last night, only four pages in, I can see that I was right. I’m going to trust that if I just keep showing up, working with that material, the story, the book will become clear.

3. April Love. Yesterday was the last day of the 30 day challenge. I missed it this morning. For the past month, the first thing I wrote when I opened my journal was “April Love prompt.” One of the first things I thought about every morning was how I was going to respond to the prompt. I miss it. Whatever will I write about now? 😉

Sam hiking at Lory State Park

Ringo hiking at Mount Margaret

4. Eric. How he takes the dogs hiking. How he does all of Sam’s maintenance stuff to keep him feeling good, keep him from being uncomfortable and scritchy. How even though he really wants to kill Ringo sometimes, he doesn’t. How he leaves me love notes on the kitchen counter.

5. Sam and Ringo. They are so different from each other, so much like Obi and Dexter but also so much themselves.

Bonus joy: the meadowlarks singing at the park, that one bird that sounds almost like a monkey, yoga, Fridays, pay day, chocolate chip oatmeal cookies, avocado, hummus and sweet potato corn chips, having a job but also having vacation time, knowing I’m good at what I do, the tiny irises that are yellow with a purple beard that I totally forgot about until they bloomed again this year, the smell of the lilacs, grocery shopping, things that were hurting starting to heal.

April Love final prompt: “thank you for…” This is a hard time of year for me. The academic year is winding down, and since I take the summer off from my CSU work it means things are winding up there. There’s a panicky, speedy overwhelm that starts to happen — “how am I going to finish all this work in just a few weeks?!” That is mixed with the mad joy of spring and the promise of summer vacation, and further complicated by memories of loss.

Every year at this time, I promise myself I won’t miss the lilacs. I get so busy I barely notice them, even though they are one of my favorite flowers. By the time I’m done with my CSU work, they are starting to fade, almost gone, and the moment has passed. Every year, I vow to not let it slip by again. After a long day yesterday, I got out of my car and started unloading the snow tires I’d finally had taken off. As I brushed past the lilac bushes by my mailbox, a wave of scent stopped me in my tracks. I stood still for a moment and the familiar feeling arose, “the lilacs are blooming and I’m missing it.”

Then this morning, I was standing in the kitchen drinking my coffee when “Wide Awake” by Katy Perry came on the radio. Tears stung at the corners of my eyes. That whole album always reminds me of Kelly, takes me right back to that awful spring — May 14th, just two weeks from now, she will have been gone for five years. I’m sad, still angry, but so grateful.

Thank you for Kelly, for how she lived, for her friendship, for the loss that reminded me how precious and short our time is, together and alone. Thank you for lilacs and spring, for mornings and hot cups of coffee, for work and also for vacation. Thank you for all of it — brilliant and beautiful, tender and terrible.