jillsalahub

We had a bit of a scare with Ringo last night. We were watching TV and he was sitting on the couch and I realized he was shaking. He wasn’t cold and he’s never done that before, so I started thinking maybe he’d eaten something he shouldn’t have. This is not unusual for Ringo. He’s always eating something gross, something that isn’t food, something he shouldn’t. We once had a vet recommend having him wear a muzzle on walks. My anxiety spiked, having heard stories of dogs starting to shake, then having a seizure and dying within 20 minutes of their first symptom. I put him and Eric in the car and drove to the emergency vet. They checked him out and drew some blood, determined he’d somehow tweaked his back and that’s why he was hurting. He has been running a lot the last few days and also playing frisbee in our snowy backyard, so he most likely just overdid it. He’s on pain meds for the next few days and luckily I have a direct connection to a physical therapy clinic for dogs, so I’ll be taking him in to get a fuller exam and some treatment. Honestly other than the 10 or so minutes of shivering, he’s fine.

I’m not so fine. I don’t know how much I’ve talked about it here, but I’ve got pretty bad anxiety. Developing complex ptsd only seemed to make it worse. As soon as I realized something was really wrong with Ringo, my jaw started to lock up and my teeth started chattering. This is an anxiety response I get that can be triggered by sometimes something small, and it really hurts. It’s essentially a panic attack, just with atypical symptoms. It only lasts about 5-10 minutes, but the tension it causes in my jaw and head usually lingers.

Once we got home, we gave Ringo his pills and went right to bed. I normally take 10 mg of a THC gummy at night (with the pain in my knees, it’s the only way I can sleep), but I skipped it. I wanted to be “present” if something came up with Ringo during the night. I was having hot flashes all night but also freezing cold so I slept terrible, constantly too hot or too cold or both. My stomach was also a mess. Everything was fine, but my hypervigilance was in high gear. This morning, I feel hung over.

I meditated this morning. Eric did what he could to make me feel better and Ringo is clearly fine. I taught a yoga class. We laughed a lot. One of the vets I teach brought her new puppy, an eight week old Corgi named Henry. I texted some friends and made dinner plans with some others. I’m going to make myself a yummy breakfast bagel and watch a little TV, maybe take a short nap. Later I have therapy. It’s a strange thing — to be a total wreck and also completely fine. To think that things will never get better and to know I’ll be okay, that it will all work out. To want to give up and keep going no matter what. To feel like the world is an awful place and be surrounded by nothing but love.

From our walk

Today is Veteran’s Day. I’m grateful for all the veterans. Those who served, the ones who left their family and friends and homes and put themselves at risk in order to keep us safe. Those who never came home. Those who came home broken. Those we have forgotten. Those we have failed.

1. Love is a verb, a recent newsletter from Abigail Rose Clarke.

2. Your other account balance, this week’s Sunday Dispatch from Paul Jarvis, in which he says, “Work is one way I deal with stress. And not just stress about work itself, but any kind of stress in my life. If I’m focused on work, I can’t be as stressed out or unhappy. The problem, and it’s obvious, is that whatever sucks that I’m running away from will be there once I stop working.” Oh, snap. This describes me exactly, and why now that I’m no longer working, I had to get a new therapist to deal with all the “whatever sucks that I’m running away from.”

3. 4 Questions to Kick-Start a Stalled Life.

4. The World According to Phoebe Waller-Bridge.

5. 5-Hour Workdays? 4-Day Workweeks? Yes, Please an opinion piece on The New York Times.

6. I Was the Fastest Girl in America, Until I Joined Nike on The New York Times. “Mary Cain’s male coaches were convinced she had to get ‘thinner, and thinner, and thinner.’ Then her body started breaking down.”

7. Experts Worry Active Shooter Drills In Schools Could Be Traumatic For Students.

8. Being Surrounded By Chronic Complainers Could Be Damaging Your Health.

9. How to cut a pomegranate. (video)

10. I Went to Mexico to Meet Asylum-Seekers Trapped at the Border. This Is What I Saw.

11. The Billionaires Are Getting Nervous an opinion piece on The New York Times. “Bill Gates and others warn that higher taxes would lead to lower growth. They have their facts backward.” In related news, The worship of billionaires has become our shittiest religion, and Ok Billionaire: Why Do the Opinions of 600 Americans Get So Much Airtime?, and Think billionaires are just super-rich people? Big mistake.

12. How to Be a Writer: 10 Tips from Rebecca Solnit.

13. Is modern mindfulness a corporate scam? This management professor thinks so. “There’s a lot of money to be made by telling people that they’re responsible for their own problems.”

14. Latest gender reveal disaster causes plane crash in Texas. Just stop it.

15. This dad follows his kid’s PB&J sandwich instructions very literally. (video)

16. 27 Sturdy Chairs for Fat People (Up to and Beyond 500lbs!)

17. Liz Phair’s “Horror Stories” chronicles the real ghosts that haunt us. “In her new memoir, the legendary indie rocker shares tales of the shame, fear, and violence of ordinary life.”

18. White Supremacy Is America’s Original Pyramid Scheme. “Ijeoma Oluo on the roots of police brutality, the model minority myth, and the school-to-prison pipeline.”

19. The Thanksgiving Tale We Tell Is a Harmful Lie. As a Native American, I’ve Found a Better Way to Celebrate the Holiday. “The thing is, we do not need the poisonous ‘pilgrims and Indians’ narrative. We do not need that illusion of past unity to actually unite people today. Instead, we can focus simply on values that apply to everybody: togetherness, generosity and gratitude. And we can make the day about what everybody wants to talk and think about anyway: the food.” In related news, Sean Sherman’s 10 Essential Native American Recipes. “The founder of The Sioux Chef, a company devoted to Indigenous foods, created recipes to showcase tribal diversity across the lower 48 states.”

20. I Draw Comics To Explain What It’s Like Living With Depression And Anxiety.

21. Lindy West Explains How South Park Paved the Way For the Alt-Right. “Talking with the author of The Witches Are Coming about memes, media, and how not to become an American sucker.”

22. Vaping Illnesses Are Linked to Vitamin E Acetate, C.D.C. Says. “Samples of lung fluid from patients with the mysterious illness led to a breakthrough in finding a possible cause. More than 2,000 people have been sickened, many from illicit marijuana-based products.”

23. What to Read When You Are Ready to Be Done Crying.

24. To Heal From Trauma, You Have to Feel Your Feelings.

25. Yoga Is Finally Facing Consent and Unwanted Touch on The New York Times. “Yoga students and studios are grappling with inappropriate, manipulative and exploitative teachers and teachings.”

26. The NYPD Bragged About a Big Pot Bust. Turns Out It Seized 106 Pounds of Legal Hemp.

27. “Happy Ball Want Outside:” Dog Learns To Talk Using A Word Machine, Already Knows 29 Words. It should come as no surprise to anyone who reads this blog regularly that I’m now following Stella and her human on Instagram.

28. Rachel Cargle Insists Rest Is the Real Revolution for Black Women.

29. 12 Native American Authors to Read During Native American Heritage Month.

30. The Obamas keep attacking “cancel culture” because they are scared of being held accountable.

31. Trump rallies aren’t a sideshow — they’re his entire campaign.

32. Keystone pipeline shut after spilling 1.4 million litres of oil in North Dakota.

33. There’s Nothing Virtuous About Finding Common Ground.

34. 7 Reasons the Internet is Loud and Wrong about ‘Harriet’.

35. Mary Lambert: Leaving Record Label Was “Important For My Mental Health”.

36. When Being an Opponent of White Supremacy Means Being Not Nice.

37. Nigeria’s First Oscars Submission Disqualified For Having Too Much English, Which Is the Country’s Official Language.

38. Louis C.K. Doubles Down on the Value of Saying the Wrong Thing on The New York Times. “On his first tour since admitting misconduct, the comedian’s theme was the cathartic release of transgression as he delivered bits about his mother’s death and religion.”

39. Presidential Proclamation on National American History and Founders Month, 2019. November IS Native American History Month. This is some white supremacist bullshit. In related news, Trump Gives National American Indian Heritage Month an All Lives Matter Makeover That Nobody Is Here For, and Trump Says Native American Heritage Month Is Also for the White Men Who Stole Their Land.

40. Why did no one warn the housekeepers about the Getty fire?

41. ‘Untold human suffering’: 11,000 scientists from across world unite to declare global climate emergency.

42. Lauren Bowman’s poetry on Instagram. “I want to be so wrecked by this world that there will be little pieces of me everywhere.” *sigh*

43. Three FREE classes being offered by the amazing Alexandra Franzen.

44. What Happens To The American Dream When America Wakes Up?

45. Whodunit in the Library: Someone Keeps Hiding the Anti-Trump Books on The New York Times. “A public library in northern Idaho says its books about gun rights and President Trump keep wandering far from their correct spots on the shelves.”

46. ‘It Felt Like a Betrayal’: Researchers Won a $2-Million Prize. The University Wants to Take It.

47. Student’s clothing line designed to Indigenize popular fashion.

48. What Are the Three Poisons? from Lion’s Roar. “The three poisons are the energy of ego’s three basic attitudes — for me, against me, and don’t care.”

49. 15 Things to Stop Telling Yourself Right Now.

50. Be the Priority of Your Own Life (starting now) on Be More With Less.

51. These Dog Playing Cards Have The Most Brilliant Illustrations.