1. Truth: Grief is a timeless time. Yesterday would have been our first day at the beach, a trip we had to cancel, and I haven’t taught yoga or hugged any of my friends in almost four months. I don’t know when I’ll see my family again. For the past three weeks without Sam, I’ve been wondering around a little lost, sitting and staring off into space, completely unmotivated. Even more than before, I had a hard time remembering what day it was. I continued to meditate and write every day, read in bed at night while Eric and Ringo slept, text with my mom and my brother and Chloe’, write with Laurie, hang out with Mikalina. I went to the pool a few times and on one walk, but the rest of the time my body and mind were still, quiet, dull and fuzzy, irritated and apathetic. Grief simultaneously pulls you out of your life and drops you directly into its center, you can’t get back and you can’t get away.
2. Truth: This week I’m trying to get back into the routine of honoring my physical body. I’m trying to get on a schedule, give it more of what it needs, including sleep. Routines are easier for me because there’s no negotiation, it’s just what I do and I try not to deviate from that, no choice necessary, just do it. Yesterday Eric and I did a HIIT workout and then I did some yoga, and it immediately pulled me out of the funk I was in. This morning I went on a walk and am going to do a little yoga and get in the pool later. And yet, I have to be careful because I can use the attention I give my body as a way to distract from things I don’t want to feel, as an escape. It’s a delicate balance.
3. Truth: I’m trying to create a new normal, now that there’s no going back. I’m working to accept that things won’t ever be the same. Sam will stay gone. I might never go back to teaching yoga. We may have to stay isolated for a long time. This doesn’t mean I should give up, it doesn’t excuse me from effort. Either something will come of this, or the world will end, or about 1000 other possibilities. There’s no way to know; there never was. I can make the effort to ease suffering, leave things better than I found them, create some sort of legacy, even though this might be the end of the world in the middle of nowhere.
One wish: As the Dalai Lama said, “May the frightened cease to be afraid / And those bound be freed. / May the powerless find power / And may people think of benefiting each other.”