1. Truth: I need a lot of rest. And more specifically, I need rest to recover from effort and engagement. The past few months, I’ve spent a lot of time focusing on my body and what would make it feel good. Some of that meant movement (walking the dogs, aqua aerobics, Pilates, and yoga in particular), but some of it meant visits to the doctor, getting a massage, a session with my physical therapist, three hours on the couch with a heating pad, a really long nap, or going to the Farmer’s Market to be sure I had fresh carrots and peaches.
2. Truth: I go back to work next week. To be honest (because this is a post about truth), I’m not sure how that’s going to go. I’m stepping back into a moment in the academic year that is notoriously chaotic, as well as returning to a huge ongoing project that I will need to help complete, and I have a new intern to get settled. I’m not sure how all that will align with my need for rest, my commitment to giving my body what it wants.
3. Truth: I return with a new question. It came to me recently as I was doing my morning writing practice. Forgive me if I already mentioned it, but it came to me that my fundamental confusion rests in this question — Am I denying myself what I’m truly hungry for or am I resisting what is? I’m not sure I can explain, but it’s related to my search for deep meaning in my life, and my growing awareness of my particular energetic requirements. It’s a question about the source of my discomfort, the cause of my dis-ease. So, when I dread going back to work, or I am uncomfortable being there, is it because I really should be somewhere else or am I resisting what is and therefore generating unnecessary suffering for myself in that way? Should I be looking for an exit, or should I learn how to stay?
One wish: May my path clarify my confusion, and may my confusion dawn as wisdom. (Based on the The Four Dharmas of Gampopa).
My answers, any sort of clarity, seem to come from quiet. I am also learning after way too many years not to see myself as a suspicious character, to allow myself comfortable choices. I have nothing to prove. And I’ll survive getting it wrong.
To allow myself comfortable choices… my brain is saying What? and Yes! simultaneously. Thank you.
I love this Marylinn: “I am also learning after way too many years not to see myself as a suspicious character.” ❤
Oh my gosh I could have written this. No words of wisdom for you but I hear you. Much Love….
Wendy, the most supportive thing anyone can ever say to me is “I hear you.” Thank you. ❤
Jill, one million thank yous for writing this. I so appreciate your vulnerability and transparency in these matters. Especially so much this: “So, when I dread going back to work, or I am uncomfortable being there, is it because I really should be somewhere else or am I resisting what is and therefore generating unnecessary suffering for myself in that way? Should I be looking for an exit, or should I learn how to stay?”
May we all be filled with loving kindness towards ourselves and all beings…
One million you’re welcomes. ❤
This a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing. I’m also trying to understand how I contribute to my own suffering. It appears to be a giant onion. I uncover one layer only to see another layer. I agree with Sherri about the loving kindness for ourselves and each other.
“It appears to be a giant onion.” That is so right! 🙂
Jill, I love your blog so much. This kind of dilemma -“Should I be looking for an exit, or should I learn how to stay?” is such a good inquiry in itself! Maybe you can contemplate other, much smaller situations in your life where you might ask that exact same question, to help you understand the bigger livelihood question.
That is a great idea, as it’s the central question of my life really, or could be. (And you have no idea how happy I am that you commented. You “like” all the time, and I love that, but to “hear your voice” is a special treat). ❤