image from Kat’s post

Prompt: In her seminal book Bird by Bird, Anne Lamott offers the observation: “The evidence is in, and you are the verdict.” Regardless of where you live in this crazy beautiful world, I’m sure you’ll agree it’s been a BIG year. Today, I want to acknowledge that you are here and I am here and we are here. We’re just… HERE. That feels like a BIG DEAL. And, that being said, I invite you to reflect on all that this evinces. What are you the verdict of?

I am the verdict of a universe in love, with all of it, and all of me. There is a longing for me, for us, for all of it to stand in the wonder, in awe of all that is. We are the spontaneous arising of wisdom and compassion, of deep knowing, laughing at the same time there are tears streaming down our cheeks. I am ears made for sound (music and screaming), eyes made for sight (beauty and muck), a nose made for smell (fresh baked bread and shit), skin made for touch (a caress or a pinch), and a heart made for love as well as being broken. I feel in particular to be a manifestation of the desire to ease suffering, for the cycle of violence to stop, for love to win. I am the embodiment of an intention to make things right.

Prompt: “As each year progresses, we unknowingly gather many thoughts, beliefs, and patterns to us. In fact, what we are carrying may have been passed down to us from previous generations.

Looking at the thoughts and patterns that may be holding you back from living the life you want, trace back through the generations of your family and see if your beliefs originated generations ago.

In 2016, how can you bring healing to these patterns of thought that are holding you back?”

It’s always difficult to say much about family patterns, because there’s so much I just don’t know or understand. And yet, I can see that there has been a history that may have impacted me. It has manifested for me as methods for coping that can become addictive and dis-ordered, ways of soothing or even masking suffering which ultimately lead to a denial of my truest self.

I also have a cultural history, specifically in terms of what it means to be a woman, a good citizen. This tells me I should be agreeable, quiet, nice, generous, self-sacrificing, and pretty, (which is actually not a single thing but a whole list of things that are constantly shifting and changing with trends and fashion).

What holds me back is a resistance to simply letting myself have what I want, letting myself be who I am. What says I can’t is a whole jumble of fear, mistrust, uncertainty, obligation, and judgements about what is right and wrong that comes together and binds me with “you are not allowed, who do you think you are, you can’t do that, you can’t have that.” I misread my environment, see all kinds of threats and complications and obstacles, and sometimes I just give up.

There’s an avoidance, a resistance I need to burn through. As Rumi said, “love is a fire and I am wood.” Maybe it happens by gently challenging those old beliefs, the misinterpreted limits. Maybe it happens by saying what I mean, having what I want, becoming unapologetically self-centered, and trusting myself.