Reverb13 prompt: “Habits and addictions, some are silly, some serious; when we have issues without answers, they can hold us so tight that we stop moving forward with the life we intended. Were you able to loosen those fetters this year, and if you were successful, how did you manage it? Did you accept outside help, or work alone?  If you still feel that grasp of addiction or hurtful habits, what will you do differently in the year to come?”

Addiction, habit, disorder, insanity, whatever you want to call it I spent this year healing my relationship with myself. I’ve been working on it ever since I made my first New Year’s Resolution three years ago which had nothing to do with losing weight or exercising more or simplifying my life or getting published, but rather was a simple wish to be better friends with myself. As part of that process this year, I focused on self-compassion and how I feed myself, how I move.

This intention was complicated by losing Dexter and the lingering trauma and anxiety which is now being focused on Sam, (he has some unexplained itching and shaking that could be anything from simple anxiety and reactivity, all the way to a cranial deformity which is putting pressure on his brain and spine).

I started seeing a therapist. I took part in an Intuitive Eating book group facilitated by Rachel Cole. I stopped weighing myself and dieting. I started taking Nia classes. I signed up for yoga teacher training. I committed to honoring both my hunger and my fullness.

This way of being is old, deep, and sticky, so it’s going to take time. That’s okay. I am willing and able, and this is totally workable.

Besottment prompts: “What was your most memorable moment with family in 2013?” and “What was the bravest thing you did in 2013?”

These two prompts together yield only one possible answer: letting Dexter go. Eric, Sam and I were all there with him, and it took all the courage I had to be there, to accept it, to keep my heart open to all of it, the big love and the heavy grief. When you let go of someone you love, you do the impossible.

Project Reverb prompt: “1,000 Words | There’s the old saying that a photo is worth 1,000 words. Give us a photo with that impact that sums up some significant even of your 2013, or give us 1,000 words about a pivotal moment in 2013.”

Reverb13 prompt: “Give us a sensory tour of 2013. How would you describe the year that’s passing in terms of: Sight? Sound? Smell? Taste? Touch?”

Sight: the sunrises, the sky, Dexter’s sweet face, Sam’s happy wiggle, that one time Sam and I were walking at the park and Eric was running the Homecoming 5k and we were heading back home and saw someone walking down the hill towards us and I thought “that guy looks like Eric” and then realized Sam was doing his happy wiggle and it was Eric, how our new front garden was so full it looked like a jungle, flipping the light on and seeing blood on the floor where Dexter was standing that last morning he was with us.

Sound: music, the birds singing outside in the still dark of morning, the buzz of the crickets, the hum of the hummingbirds at the cabin in Crystal Lakes where we stayed the week after Dexter died, dog sighs, the sound of the snow on the roof melting, ocean waves coming in and out like breath, the wind rustling the aspen leaves, the bubble of the river when it’s full and fast, the soft sound of Eric’s voice when he talks to the dogs, laughter, quiet.

Smell: tomato blossoms, that one time Dexter’s head smelled like sunshine, incense and patchouli which I’d stopped using while Dexter was sick because it sometimes made him sneeze, warm biscuits, hot coffee, the house smelling of cookies, the bark of the pine trees that smell like vanilla.

Taste: smoked mashed sweet potatoes, coffee that tasted like melted dark chocolate, fresh cucumbers from our garden, smooth creamy avocado, the best Yay Turkey sandwich of all time, salty potato chips and melt in your mouth donuts after so long “not allowed,” KIND bars, Noosa strawberry rhubarb yogurt with granola and almonds and raspberries.

Touch: hugging like you mean it, never the first one to let go, leaning against him while standing in the kitchen with a dog’s head pushed between our legs, not wanting to move or disturb Dexter as he rested even though my leg was falling asleep, the way Dexter would pet me back, curling his toes against my arm, the nudge of Sam’s nose or sometimes his whole head into my hand, his head ramming into the back of my legs, “trading some” with Eric, how soft Dexter’s fur always was, how careful his kisses, how he’d shove a toy or his whole body in my lap when he wanted to play.

Project Reverb prompt: “Anchor | What kept you tethered in 2013?”

Practice, coming back again and again, showing up with an open heart, riding the discomfort, the waves of emotion and thought, watching how each one would arise and dissolve if I let it. Presence, wanting to experience every moment we had left together. Therapy. Friendship and love, connection to others, an awareness that I can be the love I need. Eric and Sam, my tiny family. My work and practice spaces, which can feel so solid, so permanent, so spacious and safe.