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Let go.

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Dear kind and gentle reader,

I have been in a funk all day, generally fussy, frustrated and foggy. It actually started yesterday.  I was sad about Steve Jobs, but it was a tender and raw sad that made me recommit to having a life that was whole and real.  Then I remembered that Saturday, tomorrow, is my friend Kelly’s birthday.  She passed away on May 14, 2010, and I spend every day missing her, but again this is a sadness that, though deeper than the other, fuels my desire to live a better life, to not give up.

Then I got some family news that I won’t share here, but I’ll just say that we must remember that even when we can’t keep someone we love safe, when we can’t help them and they don’t seem to want or be able to help themselves, when we have trouble dealing with the worry and stress and anger, we MUST remember to take care of ourselves.

And then, this morning, an email from Brave Girls Club. It was all about letting go, “Your heart and your gut know exactly what you need to let go of, even if your brain is giving you all sorts of reasons to clamp your fingers around it.”  Last week’s theme in my Mondo Beyondo class was about creating a clearing, “a gap, a wide open empty space for your dreams to find their way in,” “a wide open empty space in your life that is ready for something new or amazing to emerge.” I started thinking about all the things I’ve been forced to let go, needed to let go, let go because there was no other option, and all of the things I probably should let go of, still need to clear out. *sigh*

Then I saw an article in the local paper about one of my yoga buddies.  We’ve been practicing together for over four years, and I knew she’d had breast cancer, was still dealing with cancer related issues, but I had no idea how bad her cancer really is: “Now, it’s in my bones. It’s in all the lobes of my lungs. It’s in my lymph nodes.”  I am still in shock.  We practiced together this morning and stayed and talked for a bit after, about the article, about her cancer, about her life.  She kicks my butt every yoga class, does things I can’t, and always makes me laugh.  That voice inside my head, the one that started when Obi was diagnosed, then Kelly, and then when Obi died, followed by Kelly, starts to sob again “but it’s not fair!”

I am humbled, confused, sad, angry, broken, messy, and so tired.  I am not giving up, and I still am so in love with all of it, but…sometimes it’s just so hard.  Do you know what I mean?

This video is one of my favorite singer/songwriters, Rosie Thomas: “Kite Song.” I dedicate it to all of us who are trying so hard to hold on, so hard to let go. I wish all of us some peace.

Oh, tie me to the end of a kite
So I can go on, I can go on with my life
Every marigold I pass below will be my guiding light
I just want to go away from here

Oh, tie me to the end of a kite
So I can go on, I can go on with my life
Every time the wind blows stronger,
I will feel my spirit rise
I just want to go away from here

Oh, tie me up tightly by your side
So I may go with you where ever you reside
And anytime the road looks dimmer
I will be your guiding light
I just want to go away with you

  • It will be hard, but it will also be okay.  Take a deep breath and let it out, let it go.

Pace Yourself

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The other day, I was telling Eric how now that I was unstuck, I was having a hard time stopping, a hard time going to work because the work I was doing for myself was so compelling and fun, and he told me “You should pace yourself.”

Whatever…*eye-roll*

Turns out, he’s right.  I have been trying the past few weeks to do ALL the things, and I am starting to feel a bit tired, run down.  I am not being kind to myself.  I am pushing, demanding, doing too much.

If I am honest, this is a pattern, a habit of mine.  I have a form of artistic manic-depression. I have two speeds: off and bullet train.  I am either stuck, frozen, numb, asleep, or moving at the speed of light, “I’ll sleep when I am dead,” on fire, can’t stop.

Brotherly Love, Dexter and SamManic

I am thinking about this specifically today as I watch myself being greedy and grasping, and not listening to what I really need right now. Having discovered Danielle Ate the Sandwich and being utterly and newly in love with her, I want to go see her perform.  Not just that, but I want to go to every show she has in Colorado. She has three coming up: one tonight in Denver, one in a few weeks in Boulder, and another in Fort Collins.  And the whole reason I found out about her is I told a friend that I wanted to finally learn to play the ukelele I’ve had for almost four years now, and he’d sent me a link to a site with tutorials and told me about Danielle.  So now, not only do I want to teach myself to play, I want to write and sing songs, make an album, and go on tour with Danielle.

Wish

But I am feeling weak and run down today, and Eric is running a half-marathon tomorrow morning, so going to a show more than an hour away that will run late when what we really should do is stay home, be together and rest is just silly.

There are other examples.  It’s not enough for me to have a yoga practice.  I need to buy a month of unlimited classes at a new studio and try to go to as many as I can, sign up for a nine week “Yoga Immersion” class over the summer, go to 5-7 classes a week, plan to get certified to teach yoga, plan write a grant and teach yoga at the local battered women’s shelter, go on retreats.  This is not at all what yoga is about, this gluttony, and I know this.

I subscribe to five weekly newsletters that each send me daily challenges, meditations, things to consider. I sign up for three amazing classes, but I sign up in a way that for a few weeks at least, they will overlap and I will be in THREE classes simultaneously, while maintaining a full-time job, a marriage, two needy dogs, a yoga and meditation practice, etc. And that’s not enough, I’ll get certified as a meditation instructor, and put together yoga/meditation/writing workshops or retreats, I’ll get a Holistic Health Coach, no I’ll become one, and then I’ll get certified as a Life Coach…ugh.  I make myself tired just thinking about all the things I want.  When I wake up like this, find myself breathing again, I panic because I feel like I have already wasted so much time and I don’t know how much I have left. I have so much to do…

Don’t get me wrong.  I am not saying that I shouldn’t dream so big.  Obviously, I believe in that.  Dreaming and wishing and opening myself up to new possibilities and different options is propelling me after years of being stuck.  What I am saying is that I need to “pace myself.”

So, instead of going to see Danielle play tonight, I’ll stay home and rest.  I’ll listen to her music all day, but from a cd rather than live. I’ll slow down. I’ll notice how the knob on the drawer in my bathroom reflects the light like a rainbow comet trail. I’ll sit in the sun in the backyard with all three of my boys.  I’ll take a nap.  I’ll read.  I’ll catch up on my Mondo Beyondo assignments, maybe even grade a few papers for work–but only if I feel like it, if it feels right.  Later, I’ll go take a yoga class with Sarada if I feel up to it.  I’ll go to bed early.  I will open my heart and be kind, listen to what it is I need and do that for myself. 

I’ll pace myself.

  • How can you be gentle with yourself today?