Letting Go | Open Space Practice, (AKA: A Thousand Shades of Gray)

he was crowding me, but ask me if I care

Today’s NaBloPoMo Prompt is: “If you could change one thing about our life right now, what would it be?” The answer is easy: Dexter wouldn’t have cancer, wouldn’t be dying. I’d change that. That would be the thing I’d wish were different, what I’d fix if I could.

But I can’t change it. I can accept it, be with it, with him. I can surrender, let go when the time comes. Right now, I can be grateful for another week with him, another day, another moment. Most recently, he’s had a stuffy nose, runny left eye from time to time, and more bloody snot since last week, but he’s still having good days and he’s still here. As he gets a tiny bit worse, I bump up against that reality again, that he’ll die soon no matter what I do. I still feel tender and sad about it, but mostly the fear and panic have eased. Like Eric said last night, “I’m okay with it, even though I’m not.”

from puppy to dog

He’s had a good, longish life with us, and I’m so grateful for his companionship, what he’s taught me about joy, play, loyalty, and having clear boundaries. If I could change his cancer, the fact that he’s going to die sooner rather than later I would, but I wouldn’t change anything else about our time together. And no matter what, he’ll always be my Little Dude.

The truth is that sometimes there’s a need to yield, to soften, to surrender, to get out of the way of something bigger and faster than you, to give up even. Today feels like that kind of day.

This morning, we went on a mini hike with Dexter at Lory State Park. It’s been three weeks since he’s been there. That last hike was a real one: at least eight miles, most of it spent running. But then things shifted for him just enough that we decided that kind of exercise might be too much for him now, and the times since when Eric has gone with Sam, Dexter has waited at home with me. I was feeling so bad about it that I asked Eric to go this morning, so we could all be there together one more time, even if we couldn’t go that far. We still went about six miles, but we stayed down in the flat land, rather than hiking up in the rocks. We saw the sunrise and lots of deer, and I took a lot of pictures. It felt good to be there, together.

I have to admit though that this letting go is wearing me down. I am tired, depleted, and raw. My intention to work on this book, to keep going is every bit as intense as before, I just don’t have the energy right now to do anything more than to live it. Today I chose to spend what I have, energy and time, with my little family, to take comfort in that, and then to allow myself to rest.