1. Christmas. It was a weird one this year for me and mine. It was our first Christmas without Eric’s mom, without her Pecan Tassies, without a phone call to her and the noise of her house with all the grand and great grandkids there for dinner. It was the first Christmas that Mom spent at Tokarski House rather than at home, which meant my brother, his kids and grandkids, also didn’t have Christmas at Nana’s for the first time, which is another reminder that Papa is gone too, this being the second Christmas without him. We’ve also been having especially warm weather instead of snow.

We made the best of it. We finally turned on the Christmas music and took some pictures in front of our tree, once again this year decorated with mostly just lights, which I then texted out to loved ones with wishes for a merry always and happy everything. Then I had breakfast and some hot drinks (coffee and tea, I’m weird like that), did my morning reading and writing. Then we opened presents. Ringo helped for a bit after he opened his Christmas stocking, but he was super tired (it’s a hard adjustment for him when Eric is not working and they took a pretty long walk while I slept in that morning), so he napped while we finished.

We cleaned up our mess, tested out and put away some of our presents, leaving the rest under the tree for now. I was texting with people throughout the day, in particular my brother. They’d gone to visit Hallie in the NICU on Christmas eve, (she’s almost ready to come home), taken Mom/Nana her presents, and got Chinese takeout for dinner. On Christmas morning they opened presents at Papa’s/Chris’s/my brother’s house. Then later that evening, Chris went to Tokarski House to visit Mom, we sent each other selfies (she was wearing a pair of the new Christmas pjs I sent her) and they watched some Hallmark holiday movies. They’d made her a special dinner, of which she had seconds and said was delicious. I’m so grateful she’s there, with them.

Eric and I spent the rest of our day mostly dinking around and resting. As we made dinner, we got into a dumb argument about bent spoons. On top of all the other reasons this year’s holiday season felt weird, Eric is coming down from two years of pretty intense and constant work, and the adjustment to him being off work always takes a bit of time. I kept teasing him this week anytime we fussed at each other that he needed to go back to work, but by the end of the break when he really has to go back, I know I won’t want him to, like always.

2. Morning walks. We saw a shooting star this morning. Eric saw it first and was so excited. It stayed lit up so we could follow it for a long time, with Eric saying he’d never seen one like that, one that lasted so long and had sparks flying off it like fireworks. He said later that I didn’t seem as impressed as he was and I told him I was too caught up in appreciating his joy at seeing it. Ringo likes it when we both walk because he gets extra treats.

3. Reading. I’ve read 70 books so far this year. I knew I’d been reading more but didn’t realize it amounted to that. It makes sense considering I’m typically reading four or five at a time, and that I read for a few hours in the morning and then another few more at night. And this year we joined a book club, so that adds another ten or so. I love it so much.

4. My weighted blanket. Because we’ve had such warm weather this winter, I’d forgotten about it, as I can only really use it when it’s cold. I got it out this week and remembered how much I like it. I know it seems like it would be claustrophobic because I thought the same before I got it, but under the right conditions, it’s like a full body compression suit and there is a particular kind of muscle tension release and comfort that sensation gives me.

5. My tiny family, small house, little life. I’d rather be here than anywhere else, with them rather than anyone else.

Bonus joy: I just realized it’s Friday not Saturday (bonus day!), fudge with walnuts, down blankets and pillows and jackets, watching TV (currently finishing up Season 3 of Home for Christmas, there’s also a playlist someone made of the music from all three seasons that’s really good), watching Death in Paradise with Eric, listening to podcasts and audiobooks, ordering myself a new pair of slippers, Eric buying me something for Christmas that I really needed but probably wouldn’t have ever bought for myself, a new air fryer (I resisted getting one for a really long time and finally gave in and asked for one for Christmas and I’m excited to try it), a big glass of cold clean water, while we don’t have snow at least it’s not raining, Christmas cards that include family pictures, the purple flowers Eric got me, flowers in the bathroom and on my writing desk and on my meditation shrine, getting in the pool, sitting in the sauna with Eric, other people’s dogs and kids, giving dog advice to people on Reddit, planning another trip to the beach with Ringo, pickled red onions, twinkle lights, making each other laugh, naps, reading in bed at night while Eric and Ringo sleep.  

1. Morning walks. There’s a guy we see walking sometimes who always says something about the beautiful day or sky or weather, and I love that about him even though it’s really the only thing I know about him.

I don’t know if it’s because I did scent and nose work with Ringo, but he doesn’t just sniff things on his walk, he studies them. I wish I could show you how he’ll walk up to a clump of grass and trace his nose along each individual blade searching for the origin point of a particular smell. I never rush him along, and only stop him if I can see that it’s something especially gross and/or he’s about to eat it.

Since Eric is on winter break now, we can walk together some days. I still haven’t stopped telling him, “I’m glad you’re home.” He’s my favorite person, which reminds me of something my dad asked me as he was dying — “Do you ever get tired of spending time with Eric?” “No, he’s my favorite person.” “That’s what I thought.” I think he was equally glad for me that I had that in my life and a little bit jealous. I wish he’d let himself be happier while he was still here instead of making everything so hard. 

2. Medical science and healthcare, the technology and the professionals. Sure, there is lots to complain about here, mostly because human beings have a tendency towards greed, but can you imagine our lives without things like prescription glasses or vaccines, or emergency rooms and first responders? We are so lucky we don’t have to. I’m grateful every single day for the practitioners, procedures, treatments, medicine, supplements, support and care I have. And I wish everyone did, that it was accessible, affordable, and safe.

3. Practice. Keeping me sane and stable, still.

4. The holiday season. The lights, the food, the love, the naps, the chance to slow down.

5. My tiny family, small house, little life. The other night, I came into the kitchen and Eric told me he’d been watching these videos of a guy who walks up to random people, says “I’ve had a bad day” and asks for a hug, some refusing but most agreeing to it. Eric was telling me how it was making him sad to think that so many people didn’t get that sort of affection or comfort in their regular lives, and then he showed me some of the videos. When we finished and I looked at him, his eyes were filled with tears. I teased him about it, but it’s that kind of thing that I adore about him. And of course, I gave him a big hug.

And just to show that even though Ringo might be twelve years old, a full grown old man, he still has a whole lot of play left in him.

Bonus joy: cookies and toffee from Dana along with a massage, having Eric to help me with hard stuff, a big glass of cold clean water, listening to Dateline while I make dinner, the lights on our Christmas tree, the lights and decorations on our neighbors houses, my collapsible wagon — good for transporting yoga props and things boxes of Christmas presents I need to ship at the Post Office, True Story Foods, down blankets and pillows, all the things you can order online and get delivered right to your front door (an introvert’s dream) and all the people especially right now working so hard to make those shipments and transports possible, garbage service, indoor plumbing, a hot cup of coffee and a warm mug of tea, a washer and dryer in my house that I don’t need quarters for, a warm shower, dog sighs, other people’s kids and dogs, Christmas cards even though I don’t usually send them, being on Facebook again for like an hour and realizing I’m not missing anything and re-deactivating my account, gummy vitamins, texting with Chris and Chloe’, listening to podcasts and audiobooks, watching TV and films on demand with no commercials, naps, reading in bed at night while Eric and Ringo sleep.