I love vintage pillowcases. I’m afraid to buy them at a thrift store now because of the recent bed bug scares, (probably not even a real thing I should worry about, but it’s made me cautious anyway). I have a few sets I’ve had for at least a decade. I love the patterns, the colors, the nostalgia, but the best thing is how soft they are, a soft that’s only possible after years and years and years of washing and sleep.

Eight years ago when the vet called to tell me Obi had lymphoma, that the lump wasn’t just cancer but a kind that was incurable, I was home alone with the dogs, waiting for Eric to get home from a work meeting. I ignored his phone call when he was done telling me he was on his way home because I didn’t want to share that information with him over the phone and then have him driving an hour on the highway in rush hour traffic, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to lie, hide it from him if I answered. I needed him to be focused, safe. I needed him to make it home to me in one piece so that I could tell him and then fall apart.

While I was waiting, I took out my sewing kit and started some mending. The hem of one of my vintage pillowcases had started to come unstitched. My hands and my mind needed something to do, something else to focus on. I needed a distraction so I wouldn’t spend more time on the internet, reading anymore about this thing that I couldn’t fix.

The trauma of that hasn’t really left me, along with many other traumas large and small. They still live in my body. Sometimes they are silent, heavy and stuck like dead things. Other times they are triggered and rise up, ripping through me like something sharp and hot, not just alive but murderous.

In an effort to release them, I’m starting EMDR work with my therapist. She told me at the start of our last session that she’s moving out of state by the end of the year, and gave me the option to wait and start with someone else, but I feel like there’s no reason to put this off any longer. She warned me that it can bring up a lot of stuff, be unsettling, but I told her that I feel like I’m in a place where something is going to break anyway, come unhinged, regardless of how or who starts it, and it might as well be under supervision, with support, and now.

Step one of the process is getting a general sense of the various traumas we’ll be working with. We started with my history of sexual trauma. We talked for our whole hour. She filled up an entire sheet of paper with her notes, front and back, and I wasn’t even done. No wonder what Trump said all those years ago and continues to say and justify has me so upset.

This morning as I was putting clean sheets on the bed, I noticed that the pillowcase I mended that day eight years ago has come unstitched again. Something about that seems right, perfectly timed.

 

1. “I trust u, do u trust me?” “Blind Trust Experiment – I am a Black Male, you do not have to fear me! Free Hugs – Montgomery, AL.” We need more of this.

2. Fat fitness: the new breed of body positive exercise trainers. “If you’re feeling that impulse to congratulate me for getting out there and doing something about my weight, stop that thought right there. When I choose to engage in exercise, I don’t do it to change what the scales say or the size of my butt (because I know from decades of sometimes bitter experience that that’s not a productive path to go down). Instead, I choose to treat my body as the precious and indispensable machine it is; in need of maintenance and care rather than moral judgement and harsh punishment. When I exercise I want to feel built up, not shrunk down.”

3. For all that adjunct and part-time professors do for students, many are not even earning a livable wage. The disgusting truth.

4. Here’s why there are literally no stray dogs in Holland. Just one more reason to move there, along with the way they treat drug addiction and prison reform.

5. Recipes I want to try: Apple Pie Bread, and One-Pan Garlic Parmesan Chicken And Vegetables, and Pumpkin Breakfast Cookies, and Cheesy Bacon Potato Bake, and 4 Easy Slow Cooker Dinners, and Creamy Avocado Vinaigrette, and Balsamic Glazed Chicken, and if that’s not enough, now that fall is officially here: 45 Thanksgiving Side Dishes.

6. Pinksourcing, “where women are a bargain at the workplace, since you only have to pay them 77 cents on the dollar! It’s the first episode of our new series, #CelebsHaveIssues.”

7. This 8-year-old girl is the youngest ever to skate in the Vans U.S. Open Pro Series. Every mom who watches this video is going to think, “where is your helmet?!”

8. He’s been there for every part of her life. Watch as she gives him a present he never expected: adoption papers. *sob*

9. Decision making criteria, a really helpful list from Patti Digh.

10. A Herd of Cats Fill Advertising Placements at a London Tube Stop for Two Weeks.

11. Mike Birbiglia on the podcast Sooo Many White Guys. “The actor, comedian and director reveals the truth about maleness AND whiteness in a heart-stopping episode that will leave you breathless.”

12. Relationships can be tricky, a hilarious video of a Husky with his stuffed Husky toy.

13. What They Took With Them. “Cate Blanchett performs the rhythmic poem ‘What They Took With Them’ alongside fellow actors Keira Knightley, Juliet Stevenson, Peter Capaldi, Stanley Tucci, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Kit Harington, Douglas Booth, Jesse Eisenberg and Neil Gaiman. The poem was written by Jenifer Toksvig and was inspired by stories and first-hand testimonies from refugees forced to flee their homes and items they took with them.”

14. Angels are waiting… from Erica Staab.

15. Handling client anxiety about weight gain from Be Nourished.

16. A tale of two bodies. “Or: Reasons to stop projecting your unhealthy assumptions onto everyone around you.”

17. Bernie Sanders Publishes Stunning OpEd In LA Times, Makes Major Announcement.

18. Dwellings. “These homes were all found in the Potrero Hill neighborhood of San Francisco, all within a mile of my own house. To me, they demonstrate a creative spirit and determination to make a life in this very expensive city.”

19. Atlanta. I am loving this show. “A single camera comedy that revolves around two cousins on their way up through the Atlanta rap scene whose opposing views on art versus commerce, success and race will make their quest anything but easy.”

20. But how much does it cost? from Seth Godin. Such a good reminder.

21. A Caiman Wearing a Crown of Butterflies Photographed by Mark Cowan. Magic.

22. Susan Piver on Writing, Magic, and Meditation. I love her so much. The retreat referenced in the post is amazing. This will be my fourth year going. I get so much writing done, get to see Susan, visit a place I also love, and am reminded who I am.

23. The Art of Withstanding Fear from Jena Schwartz.

24. You don’t need an extreme bucket list to find happiness. Just eat more waffles. Word.

25. Ambien Tales on Terrible Minds. Crazy.

26. Wisdom from Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche, “Don’t teach anyone anything. Help them discover something.”

27. Drink, Drunk, Drank. There’s a book that’s making the rounds right now, a memoir that’s getting a lot of attention, and most of the people reading it are saying it’s so raw, real, authentic, honest, but I read it and I just don’t see it. This piece by Laurie is why. Laurie has taught me what truly raw, vulnerable, real, risky, messy writing is, and I have a hard time now accepting anything less. I am punched-in-the-gut, fall-to-my-knees, want-to-crawl-into-her-lap-and-stay-there-forever lucky that she’s my teacher, my friend, and that she writes things like this.