Uncategorized | Open Space Practice, (AKA: A Thousand Shades of Gray)

1. Truth: I am still in the midst of burnout. Or maybe I was out and now I’m back in? I had started to feel better in spring, early summer even, but I’m finding myself back in the weeds: physical and emotional exhaustion, poor performance and feeling unaccomplished, cynicism and detachment — all the markers of burnout. I thought I was getting better, and probably was, then: COVID-19, Eric started working from home in my office so my “office” was my laptop at the kitchen table, I lost my yoga teaching gig, we canceled our trip to visit family we haven’t seen in over a year and don’t know now when we’ll see them again or if they’ll all still be there, Sam died, Angela died, the biggest wild fire Colorado has ever had burned (is burning) within 25 miles of our house, and I’m trying to prepare myself for if we have to live under the current administration for another four years. Hello, burnout. Time to return my attention back to learning as much as I can and healing this particular dis-ease.

2. Truth: Burnout is similar to the Buddhist teachings on the three types of laziness. Adreanna Limbach gives the best description I ever heard of them, says the three types are: having a lack of vision, speedy business, and disheartenment. We forget our intention, why we’ve said “yes” to something in the first place, lose our sense of purpose, and this can make us feel stuck, apathetic. Or, in a culture which sees productivity as a virtue, we fill up our time doing things that aren’t in line with our vision, our intention, our mission, and we treat busyness as a badge of honor. And finally, we might feel unworthy or disappointed in our efforts and lose patience, maybe even give up.

3. Truth: It’s hard to keep going not knowing when/if things will get better. I was trying to describe what this feels like this morning while I was writing in my journal and I came up with this: the current moment feels like running a marathon of unknown length in extreme weather with a mountain lion chasing you. It’s hard to pace yourself when there is no clear end in sight and additional dangers and complications are constantly arising. I absolutely will allow myself to feel some relief and even joy if the election goes the way I’d like it to even knowing all the work there still is to do to turn things around, and I can’t help but be wary remembering four years ago when I was so sure there would be a different outcome, and for the four years that followed, watching the level of dishonesty, abuse, and violence rise as the efforts that had been made to protect the resources we need to survive were dismantled.

One wish: We are holding space for so much, making so much effort, and doing so is tiring, disappointing, but I’m not giving up, and I hope you won’t either. Even if this ship is going down, staying connected, comforting each other as we give it everything we have, all the love and the effort — if we are together, helping and loving each other, we’ll be okay even if we fail.

I shared this in my last Something Good post, and I feel like it’s worth sharing again, says what I’m trying to say:

Every action I’ve ever taken, and ever will take, and every action that has been taken for me, creates an energy that expands out into the entire universe. And energy can never be destroyed, but only transformed, so even after I die, the energy of every good thing I’ve done and every good thing done for me will continue to ripple out forever, into eternity. There it will exist for everyone, always. ~God’s Promise by Elana Miller

Don’t give up, kind and gentle reader. Life is tender and terrible, beautiful and brutal — keep your heart open. ❤

1. 27 years. This is the biggest reason I forgot to finish this post yesterday. It was our wedding anniversary. This year was a little different since we didn’t want to go out, risk getting sick. Instead we ordered pizza, (appropriate as it’s the same thing we did for our “wedding reception”, went out for pizza and beer), and watched a movie, (Elona Holmes streaming on Netflix, which was really good). 27 years ago we eloped to Evergreen, Colorado, and a few weeks later we went on a three day backpacking trip for our honeymoon. The picture on the top right is us in our tent on our honeymoon after getting caught in a huge thunderstorm and the one below that is us in our backyard a few months ago. I have a second chin now and Eric’s got a lot more gray hair, but I think we’ve earned it.

2. Morning walks. What I said last week about those being the last pictures for a bit since it was getting so dark was wrong. This week, Ringo and I waited and went just enough later to get some light when we got to the ponds and the river. Everything is turning color so fast right now, had changed so much in just a few days. One day we saw three owls, and of course Ringo got mad because they wouldn’t fly away when he yelled at them.

3. Fall. The days getting cooler, which means Ringo gets more cuddly.

4. Love notes. Eric found another spot besides the kitchen counter and by the coffee to hide them this week, (on my meditation shrine), which made my practice all the sweeter.

5. My tiny family. Eric plays D&D once a week with a small group of friends (all super successful adults that are secretly and not so secretly big nerds), and this past week they had an event where they did cosplay. Eric’s costume was pretty cool and they all had a good time. Ringo got to play with Teri this week and especially liked balancing on the peanut. He’s also enjoying the shift in the “no toys in the house” rule — he and Sam used to occasionally fight over them if they were left out, so they only came out at certain times, access had to be controlled. The first time I told Ringo to come in so he dropped his toy and I told him it was okay, he could bring it inside, he looked at me in such disbelief. And this morning, I was meditating when he got back from his walk and he came to find me, say “hi,” just like Sam used to do.

Bonus joy: sweet comments from readers, how Eric snuck across the street this morning and left two pumpkins for the neighbor’s kids, how green our backyard stayed this year, clean sheets, having all the laundry put away, tangerines, the people who load my groceries into my car and the ones who shop for me, a new baby boy in the family and the fact that he and his mama are safe and healthy after a bit of a scare, writing and hanging out with Mikalina, knowing something you made and shared was good because they ask for the recipe later, two jars of jam from Auntie T, a big salad, onion buns, how hard Ringo sleeps at night when we watch TV if he’s on Sam’s couch, living somewhere where I’ve seen four Trump yard signs but close to 50 signs that are all about love and progress, eye drops, Wild Writing, sitting in the sauna with Eric, clean water, reading in bed at night while Eric and Ringo sleep.