1. Truth: We went on a short hike this morning. All of us, the whole tiny family. This is a big deal, because Sam hasn’t been able to go since he injured himself almost six months ago. He’s up to walking 3.5 miles a day and his amazing lovely wonderful physical therapy vet told us at our last visit she thought he was ready to try a hike, so this morning we did. We went to Mount Margaret, up by Red Feather Lakes, one of our favorite places. We saw hummingbirds and butterflies, a deer and a marmot, a herd of cattle and lots of chipmunks, and two gorgeous dogs that reminded me of our Obi. It was already warm because it’s going to be close to 100 degrees here today, but it was lovely. The other thing to celebrate about this hike is I did it without wearing my knee braces. I’ve been feeling stronger, and like I could do it without them, and I was right.

2. Truth: As humans we are wired to seek out the danger in our environment. Long ago this was absolutely necessary to our survival. We needed to watch for predators and be careful of various poisonous things and mindful of the weather, etc. There is a small, old, deep part of our brain that is still doing this work even now, which explains some of the mystery anxiety we often feel. That is simply the context you need for what I really want to point out — even though we are wired this way, the tiniest beautiful thing can cheer us up, stay with us for a very long time. The whole world can be going to hell in a hand basket, and yet seeing a hummingbird beating its wings like mad against the blue sky can buoy us, remind us that while nothing is okay, somehow everything is fine.

3. Truth: Mid-summer for me and the beginning of summer according to the calendar is always shadowed by sadness and anxiety. Dexter died five years ago today and I still miss him like crazy. It gets stupid hot here. I’m only just coming out of the funk that lingers after I stop working when the anxiety of having to go back hits me. I have so much to write about and at the same time I want to stay quiet and still, would rather read than publish anything. Not only are things not getting crossed off my to-do list, things have been added. I feel awake enough to my life to know that I’m not doing what I “should,” (although that will be changing). It’s a strange mix of rest and worry.

One wish: No matter where we are or what our obstacles, may we notice the tiny moments of joy, collect them and carry them with us, hold them close and not give up.

The sweetest boy, on his last day

Strawberries from our garden

1. Truth: I am in a strange fugue, a liminal state. This happens every summer vacation, for at least the first two weeks, but if the year was worse (like this one) it can linger. I’ve made the to-do list — things like painting the house and cleaning out the garage and buying new bras and getting a haircut — but only a few things have been done and crossed off. This summer it feels particularly strange because I know when I go back next year, it will be my last (had I told you that yet? It’s not official, but it is for sure), and I already am really clear about what I’m going to to next but can’t start yet. It’s a weird place to exist.

2. Truth: I’m not purposely trying to bum you out, it’s just that everywhere I look things are bad. I can see the good too — I mean just look at that bowl of juicy strawberries that came out of our garden — but I refuse to deny the bad just because it’s difficult or uncomfortable or fucking depressing. The reality is both — tender and terrible, brutal and beautiful. I feel myself tipping towards the dark, feeling the overwhelm of the awful, but I haven’t given up and it doesn’t keep me from seeing the good.

3. Truth: Tomorrow I’m taking my first swimming lesson. Not the first of my life. I took swimming lessons when I was younger, but was a scared, timid, nervous kid who was tormented by teenaged instructors who thought, for example, that it was funny to push a kid who was crying and afraid to jump in the deep end into the water from behind or to meet fear with anger and bullying. I sort of learned to be in the water, but more so learned to be terrified. I’d like to change that, and tomorrow I’m going to start trying.

One wish: That no matter where we find ourselves, we can keep our head above water, keep swimming, keep trying.