1. Morning walks. I finally went on the morning walk, a week and a half after the final one with Sam. It felt weird, awkward, sad. Eric walked Ringo and I walked…myself. Physically I felt off balance, untethered, almost as if there were suddenly no gravity, like I might float off like a lost balloon. P.S. it’s turtle egg laying season.

2. Strawberry season, tiny red sunshine bombs, which means shortcake and pie.

3. Flowers from my garden. The lupines I just put in are already blooming. There are still more blooms to come and I have jars full in my house — on the dining room table, in the bathroom, on my writing desk, next to my bed, on my meditation shrine, on a shelf in my practice room. When you get to the point where you think, “this is a lot of pictures of peonies” just remember that this isn’t even close to all the ones I’ve taken.

4. Practice. The through-line, the constant I count on.

5. The POOL!!! The following picture is the face of a happy human who just spent an hour in the pool. You sign up for 50 minutes in a lane, and there are only four lanes. I kept an eye on the availability this past week and signed up for a less busy time, and had the WHOLE pool ALL TO MYSELF! The sauna is still closed and I didn’t stick around to shower and I could only swim four laps before switching to doing my own private aqua aerobics class but it was so good to be back. I’m going back just after I publish this post and so far, there’s only one other person signed up for a lane during that hour, but there will still be a full empty lane between us.

6. The love of good dogs. I’m not sure this will make sense but I was thinking this week that I don’t miss my first three dogs because I loved them, but because they loved me so much.

Dexter and Obi

Baby Sam’s first trip to the beach

7. My new rubber carpet broom. I am full on geeking out over this thing. Using a vacuum, even those made specifically for pet hair, you just don’t get everything. I’m amazed how much this thing is pulled up, how much better the carpet looks.

On the right is before, the left after

8. My tiny family. Ringo went to see his dermatologist (he has a minor allergy that makes his ears itchy, so we get him checked every six months), and it was the last day of her residency before she moved to California, so she wanted a picture with him. He always hid under my chair during his appointments and she was so patient with him. Ringo also took a nap with me this week, and we had some good yard time. Eric made me a pie.

Bonus joy: sitting in the sun, roses blooming, pizza that we didn’t cook, getting all the laundry done and put away, clean sheets, when the morning is cool enough to open all the windows and run the whole house fan, a/c when it gets too hot, Wild Writing with Laurie and Mikalina and Chloe’, that I got to meet and cuddle Tex when he was still hers, kindness, naps, good books, good TV and films, good podcasts, texting with my mom and brother, reading in bed at night while Ringo and Eric sleep.

1. Tiny altars everywhere. The one above is on the dining room table, my primary work space while Eric works from home. If there’s a space where I spend a lot of time, I start to build an altar without even realizing that’s what I’m doing. First it was the plant because that particular spot is the only place it gets enough light. Then I found the Buddha in one of the last boxes I emptied from my CSU office. It was the one that sat in about the same spot in relation to my computer screen when I was still working there. Then some dear friends dropped off a gift that included the rock, paw print on one side and “A forever friend, always in our hearts” on the other. And finally, another friend sent a card, and the picture on it looked so much like our Sam, that I added it too. In my “old” office at home, where the dog crates are, there’s also a little altar on top of the empty one with Sam’s ashes, paw print, and his collar.

2. Strawberry and ice cream season, which is good because I’m currently eating my way through my feelings — my sweet delicious feelings.

3. Practice. If I had to get up every morning not having a routine, a plan, a constant, I’d be so much more lost.

4. Peony season. They are abundant this year, as is the grief they represent (all of them were planted in memory of someone I’ve lost; I’m going to add a pure white one for Sam).

5. My tiny family, which is sadly a bit tinier this week.

6. I’m still here. As hard as things get, I haven’t given up.

Bonus joy: the love and care of good friends, seeing Chloe’ and Chelsey and Jon even though I couldn’t hug them, hanging out with Mikalina, Wild Writing, money to pay our bills and buy groceries, technology that allows me to keep in touch with people I love, resting in a dark room, Ringo (he likes Eric more than me and I lost my shadow, but there’s still a dog here), Sam’s presence which is still here or at least it feels like it in those moments I forget he’s gone, the new rubber broom we got to get dog hair out of the carpet (so satisfying!), good TV (I highly recommend “Work in Progress”) good podcasts (new episode of DYNAR this week), reading in bed at night while Eric and Ringo sleep.