Dexter | Open Space Practice, (AKA: A Thousand Shades of Gray)

We had the first snow of the season last night. This picture of Dexter is from three years ago, from a walk we took with Obi during one of his last snows, because right now it’s still dark outside, too dark to get a new picture. I didn’t think Dexter would live long enough to see another snow, but there he was this morning with it melting into his soft fur.

Maybe I should let go of knowing, of being sure about anything, of trying to figure things out. It is wisdom–“only don’t know,” beginners mind, non-judgement. What else might I discover if I surrender to uncertainty, to change, to impermanence? What other magic moments are waiting there, previously unseen, unnoticed, unlived? What medicine, what relief or wisdom, what other secrets lie hidden in a flake of melting snow?

The truth is that sometimes there’s a need to yield, to soften, to surrender, to get out of the way of something bigger and faster than you, to give up even. Today feels like that kind of day.

This morning, we went on a mini hike with Dexter at Lory State Park. It’s been three weeks since he’s been there. That last hike was a real one: at least eight miles, most of it spent running. But then things shifted for him just enough that we decided that kind of exercise might be too much for him now, and the times since when Eric has gone with Sam, Dexter has waited at home with me. I was feeling so bad about it that I asked Eric to go this morning, so we could all be there together one more time, even if we couldn’t go that far. We still went about six miles, but we stayed down in the flat land, rather than hiking up in the rocks. We saw the sunrise and lots of deer, and I took a lot of pictures. It felt good to be there, together.

I have to admit though that this letting go is wearing me down. I am tired, depleted, and raw. My intention to work on this book, to keep going is every bit as intense as before, I just don’t have the energy right now to do anything more than to live it. Today I chose to spend what I have, energy and time, with my little family, to take comfort in that, and then to allow myself to rest.