Brave | Open Space Practice, (AKA: A Thousand Shades of Gray)

The thing with teeth that lives in the dark with that stupid little voice was after me yesterday—“What do you think you are doing? Who do you think you are? Do you really think anybody cares?”

Picture by Cubby

I was tired, but I was trying to push my way through it, and as a result, the posts I wrote were dull. If it were just about me, I wouldn’t mind, but one was for Girl Effect. And, when I went and looked at some of the other blog posts written for the event, I felt weak and worthless in comparison. I want to help this cause, but I used up most of what I had and there was nothing left to give it, just a whisper.

Then I started obsessing about my blog stats, and started to tell myself, after only two and a half weeks, “well, it was a nice ride, but nobody is going to keep reading this thing if I keep writing sh*t like this, which knowing me, I probably will.” And it started, “I’m so tired.”

I stopped myself. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I centered myself and asked: am I blocking some truth that is trying to be born, or am I laboring without limit to manifest something else? Am I being unkind to myself, either by getting in my own way or pushing too hard?

Turns out I wasn’t honoring my limits. I had spent the morning dealing with a difficult work situation, then worked out with my trainer (who I pay to push me) after already having walked the dogs for an hour, spent the morning baking cookies and putting together snacks for my students, who were doing a reading in class that day, and spent at least two hours writing–I had done a good day’s work. I decided to give myself credit for that, and went to bed at 7 p.m.

Then today, I was gifted with so much loving support and encouragement. First thing, there was an email from a dear friend from high school (25 years ago) who is one of my kind and gentle readers, thanking me for writing this blog. It brought tears to my eyes, the fact that someone I loved and admired was being encouraged by my struggle, my willingness to share it.

Then a new post from Jennifer Gresham at Everyday Bright reviewing Jonathan Fields‘ new book Uncertainty. The book trailer for it made me cry, so I was really interested to see what Jen had thought about it.

In her review, she said “Because what it tells us is that we’re so worried about what other people think, we’re all so caught up in our reflection through others, that it’s stifling the very trait (creativity) that helps us stand out and do amazing work…So if you want to be more creative, you don’t need an art class. Just work on dealing with your fear of judgement.” Wow. Yeah…

And then, a new post from the Positivity Blog, “7 Common Habits of Unhappy People.” It’s a great post, because it gives the list and strategies for breaking those habits. I found the list very interesting. It goes like this:

Aiming for perfection.
Living in a sea of negative voices.
Getting stuck in the past and future too much.
Comparing yourself and your life to others and their lives.
Focusing on the negative details in life.
Limiting life because you believe the world revolves around you.
Over-complicating life.

Yikes. It’s like Henrik Edberg, the author of this blog, was following me around for the last 20 years and taking notes about how I was getting it all wrong. This could spin me out into a pity party about how much time I’ve wasted, and how I still struggle with so many things on this list and I am never going to be able to figure it all out so why do I even bother, but instead I see it as a good sign–I am figuring this stuff out. I see when I am doing these things, and even though I am not always able to stop myself from acting, I am getting better at forgiving myself, for realizing that the next time it happens, I’ll just try again.

And also, from Leo Babauta at zenhabits.net, a new post called “Become a God of Learning Your Trade.” In it, he says: “It’s not always easy to do what you love, because:

You aren’t sure you’re good at it.
You don’t know if it will work.
You don’t know if people will like it.
You don’t know how to get better.
You doubt your ability to succeed.
You might spend months working on something, only to have it fail.”

But there’s hope. He says that “I have a method for beating them. And it’s a simple trick. Do it in public, and get immediate feedback” and “Blogging is one of the best ways to do something in public.” Well, okay!

And finally, from the lovely Jen Lemen, a poem by Charles Bukowski, “The Laughing Heart,” offered in her latest post. It begins with the lines:

“your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.”

There is a light somewhere. I see it shining in every one of these loving people who offered me support and encouragement today, and the others who did before, and the rest who will do so later. I am loved. There are so many good things. I am doing some things right. And I am getting support and encouragement to keep trying. Right now, that’s enough. I am enough.

If I forget the light, you remind me, and I’ll do the same for you. Deal?

Today is the second day of Blogtoberfest 2011. This is a festival started in 2009 by Cathy, or {tinniegirl}, a blogger from Australia. The way she describes it is that:

By signing up you are taking on the challenge to post daily to your blog in October.I like to think that Blogtoberfest is a celebration of the best things about blogging – self expression, creativity, community and fun. It’s also a great way to celebrate the ordinary and every day.

Even though I have been posting to this blog almost every day, I like the idea of committing to do so with a group of like minded people. There is power in groups, in community, especially when that group is committed to all the good things: self expression, creativity, community and fun.

Then next month is “National Novel Writing Month.” I might have to call this the “Fall of Writing,” not to be confused with the “fall of writing.” This ambition, this new found…what do I call it? I need a word that means the opposite of stuck.

One friend who is a yoga teacher and another who is an Ayurvedic practitioner, both told me recently that the equinox could in part explain the energy I am feeling. The equinox (which happened on September 23rd) has an equal amount of day and night, light and dark. It’s a time of change and balance, transition and upset, contraction and expansion.

One reminded me to be careful of “shiny monkey mind,” and to not confuse excitement with happiness. She said that this epoch or the period of time we are in now, which started around 1987, was said by prophecy of Tibetan Monks to be “the age of levitation.” It was said that during this time, 50% of humans will go insane and 50% will become much more enlightened. These are our choices: crazy or enlightened. Stuck or levitating.

As I consider all of this, I think about how we have a choice. We always have a choice of manifesting light or seeking the darkness. And right now, there are good things happening, people doing good, even great work, in both big and small ways. There is a whole tribe of people who can be found on the internet who are working, individually but also as a collective, towards empowering others, moving through their own fear so that others can see the way and follow. Their single shared value is compassion.

For example, the End Malaria Day project.

Or, Karen Armstrong and her work with the “Charter for Compassion.”

Or, the “Link with Love” project, whose hope is “that art, music, photography, words, design, ideas, etc – be shared in a way that is respectful, educated and kind.” Or Brene’ Brown’s Free-Range Social Media Project.

Or the Girl Effect Project, and the related October 4th Blogger event.

And that’s just the short list. Given a few hours, I could find hundreds more. And the best news is that we are all invited! It’s a huge love fest, and every one is allowed to join in. Do something good for yourself. Do something nice for someone else. Say “thank you.” Say “I love you.” Say “Oh! Look at that. Isn’t it amazing?” Close your eyes. Take three deep breaths. Be kind.