This morning as I sat at my writing desk with my journal and a hot cup of coffee, I once again was marveling at how well I was able to handle Ringo’s emergency this weekend — he’s resting and recovering today, btw. Those who know me well or have been reading this blog for a long time KNOW how much I love my dogs and how that same love has led to not only joy but suffering and loss, which in turn led to a particular kind of PTSD and all the work I’ve done to heal, to be able to be present for both myself and my dogs even and especially in moments of crisis.

I found myself this morning considering the “how” of this, and came up with a list I wanted to share. These are all the things that have supported my wellbeing over the past few years — which I’m sure you’d agree have been A LOT for all of us, kind and gentle reader. Disclaimer: I am 100% aware of how privileged and lucky I am to have access and the ability to invite this sort of support into my life, and that so many are simply struggling to stay alive, in ways both practical and abstract, related to both body and spirit. That said, in no particular order: 

Products

• Weighted blanket: I was a little skeptical that this would have much of an impact, but I really like it. As I’ve heard people say before, it feels a bit like a full body hug. I have found that it soothes both muscle tension and anxiety. I sleep with it some nights and put it across my lap in the morning when I meditate or cover up with it on the couch for a nap. The one I have: Baloo 12lb Throw. It’s expensive but supposedly one of the best so I waited until I had a coupon.
• Sleep mask: In particular, the one I have fits tight around my eyes but is still soft and fits comfortably, blocking almost 100% of the light. Mine is the Manta Sleep Mask. I know that some people with sensory processing issues also like noise cancelling headphones. I can’t use them because they make me panic. I need to be able to hear what’s going on around me, even and maybe especially when I’m sleeping.
• Blackout shades. I need things to be dark in order to really rest. It’s why our alarm clock is on Eric’s side of the bed, we don’t have any sort of night light, and I have blackout shades to block any light from outside. You can get these as just a shade, or full curtains with the blackout material built in. I didn’t get any particular kind, so don’t have a link to share for this one.
• Sunrise alarm clock. We’ve had one of these for at least 15 years (the same one, never even had to change the bulb), and I can’t imagine ever having to go back to waking up to straight noise. This one is so much more gentle and gradual, and super helpful since we get up before the sunrise all year round. We have the BioBrite Sunrise Clock, but due to “supply issues” they are no longer available. However, since we got ours, a lot more companies started offering them so there’s a lot more to choose from now, with all kinds of additional features.
• White noise machine. This is another investment we made 20+ years ago, and the original one is still going strong. Now you can get one almost anywhere, cheap, but when we got ours, it was in a Sharper Image store in the mall (remember those?) and it was expensive, a definite luxury item — if I remember correctly, it was $149.99 marked down to $99, a lot of money to us at the time, (although spread out over 20+ years, it only amounts to less than $5 a year). Again, I don’t have a link because that was before we even shopped online and now there are so many more kinds available, with all sorts of features. There are also tons of smartphone apps you can use, that we do when we travel — brown noise is actually my current favorite variety, is a bit softer than white (or green or pink).
• Infrared heating pad. I originally got this to help with arthritis pain in my knees, but I’ve also used it for my back and simply to cuddle up on the couch and rest when I’m cold. I love it. I’ve heard that some people even sleep with one. This is the one Eric got me for Christmas one year. The smaller size is of course cheaper, but I’d recommend going with the bigger one as it gives you more options.
• Therapy light box. I have the Verilux HappyLight, an older model than what is out there now as I’ve had it at least 10-15 years. Again, there are SO many more options now. I have seasonal affective disorder and get up before the sun does so I use mine every morning while I write and drink coffee. It seems to really help me.
• Oofos and Brooks shoes. I’ve had issues with plantar fasciitis and my knees, and with all the miles I walk, I need good shoes. Oofos are considered “recovery footwear.” I have the slides and flip flops, and have one set that are reserved for “in the house only,” wear them instead of slippers. Looking just now at their website, I think I need a pair of the clogs too. Brooks were one of the brands of shoes recommended by my podiatrist, and I use them for walks, running (when I used to still do that), going to the gym, and everyday wear. They are one of the only brands who offers a solid Gortex model, which is important when walking the dog.
• Down pillows and blankets. I tend to run hot, and menopause doesn’t help, and I sleep in various positions, so I find that this is the material that keeps me the most comfortable. In fact, I have a bit of a blanket fetish, love the comfort of a good snuggle and seem to never have enough options.
• Soft, loose fitting clothes without any scratchy seams or tags. My current winter uniform is the Soft Serve Cloud Cotton Hoodie (typically pretty expensive but currently 50% off) which are lighter weight and so soft, and the Universal Standard Hathaway Jersey Jogger, which is yes expensive and not as light as I’d like (can’t comfortably wear them when it’s warm), but so soft and such good quality. Another staple of my wardrobe that I’ve worn for he past 10+ years (and some of the pairs I have are that old and still going strong), which are mostly sold out on Columbia’s website but still available on Amazon are the Columbia Women’s Anytime Outdoor Boot Cut Pant. These are perfection. Light weight but durable, a bit of stretch and quick drying, they travel well as they don’t really wrinkle, are nice looking and a good fit. I also have a few pairs of the capris. These pants can be dressed up or worked out. I have worn them to work meetings, dinners out, even weddings, and I can also walk the dog and teach yoga in them. 
• Zoloft (or more exactly, Sertraline). I resisted for so many years taking medication to help with my anxiety and depression, but three days before the world shut down for quarantine in March of 2020, I took my first dose, and I truly think I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for it.

Practices and Other Things

• Meditation. I’ve had a regular practice for close to 15 years, have been certified to teach for six years. I practice simple breath awareness meditation, but also use mantra and other sounds, contemplations and visualizations. It has been so helpful with my anxiety, with understanding the way my brain and heart work, with helping me to stay here, not give up. Some of the products that support my process: Samadhi meditation cushions, and the Tibetan Mountain Seat, and Insight Timer app.
• Yoga, including restorative and yoga nidra. As with meditation, I’ve had a regular practice for close to 15 years, and been certified to teach for eight years. I love the way it brings me back into my body and releases tension. It just feels good. My current practice is mostly restorative asana, and even though I can do my own practice without a teacher, I really love Caren Baginski’s YouTube channel.
• Writing. I think it’s probably the thing I do the best and I for sure love it the most.
• Reading. Both to learn and for the joy of it.
• Sauna. I like both the traditional kind and the infrared.
• Pool. Something about being in the water is magical, not matter how I’m moving while I’m there.
• Massage. I enjoy the personal variety from my “amateur” husband, the professional kind from Dana, my masseuse of the past 15 years, and the mechanical sort that is both the hydromassage chair at my gym (which would run you about $10,000 to own — a true luxury item) and the Comfier Wireless Air Compression Hand Massager with Heat I have at home, (which I bought online at Walmart because it was about half the price).
• Morning walks. You probably already knew that. 🙂
• Dogs. They don’t have to be mine or even local.
• Bodies of water. The ocean, rivers, waterfalls, lakes, creeks, ponds, and pools.
• Trees. I have favorites, not just varieties but individual trees.
• Bees and flowers. They just make me happy.
• Birds in the feeder. I also love a good bird bath.
• Poetry. I didn’t used to understand it, but I think I just wasn’t reading the right poets. Some of my favorites are Andrea Gibson, Ross Gay, Ada Limón, Mary Oliver, David Whyte, Maya Stein, Alison Luterman, Hafiz, William Stafford, Nayyirah Waheed, Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer, Rumi, John O’Donohue, Joy Harjo, Yusef Komunyakaa, Camille Dungy, Naomi Shihab Nye, Chloé Leisure, Ellen Bass, Bryan Doyle, and a whole host of others I’m forgetting. I could list my favorite poems but none of us has time for that.
• A warm shower.
• Coffee and Tea.
• Listening to podcasts. My Favorite Murder, Do You Need a Ride?, Mike Birbiglia’s Working it Out, and Funny Cuz It’s True with Elyse Myers are the ones I won’t miss, but there are close to a hundred that I like.
• Therapy.
• Zoom art dates with friends.
• Baking.
• Comedy. Movies and TV and stand up. Some of my favorite comedians are Tig Notaro, Chris Fairbanks, Jim Gaffigan, Maria Bamford, Mike Birbiglia, Pete Holmes, Jo Koy, Jackie Kashian, Melissa McCarthy, Fortune Feimster, Aparna Nancherla, Leslie Jones, Cameron Esposito, Hannah Gadsby, River Butcher, Marc Maron, Andy Woodhull, Tiffany Haddish, and a whole host of others I’m probably forgetting. 
• Wild Writing.
• Naps.
• On demand streaming content. I love the access, being able to watch what I want, when I want. There is something about binge watching a series that is more like reading a book than what TV used to be like.
• Documentaries. My favorites are about cults and true crime and mountain climbing, but I also love reality TV like home renovation shows or cooking competitions. 
• Lots and lots of time alone, at home.
• Texting.
• Music. There’s way too much to even say about this one.
• Hugs.
• Laughter.

This is most likely not a complete list. And yet, when I started writing it, I didn’t realize it would be so long and it’s enough for now. I could easily make another list of things I avoid in order to support my overall wellbeing, and that list might be just as long.

What’s on your list? What or who contributes to your overall wellbeing? 

1 and 2. Ringo and Emergency Vets. It has been a rough 24 hours. Ringo has had chronically wonky belly most of his life, a combination of his response to stress, eating stuff he shouldn’t, and a lot of allergies we weren’t aware of until he was already seven years old. So when he gets one now, we don’t get super concerned right away, as some of the time it clears up on its own and typically doesn’t impact his activity level or quality of life, and when he needs support from medication or a bland diet, etc., he gets that and gets better.

Yesterday, we suspected he wasn’t feeling great, but I walked him and he ate his breakfast and kept it down, so we were prepared for another few days of a wonky belly but no big deal. However, hours later, he threw up a few times and did other stuff you don’t want to hear about and it was clear he didn’t feel good, couldn’t get comfortable. Many calls back and forth between our regular vet and a quick test led to “feed him a bland diet and keep an eye on him, let us know if it gets worse.” He wasn’t interested in eating and clearly didn’t feel good, but we were about to go to bed, thinking we’d all get a good night’s sleep and reassess in the morning.

Instead, after his last potty break before bed, I found myself googling “purple diarrhea dog” and getting the result “acute hemorrhagic diarrhea syndrome, also know as hemorrhagic gastroenteritis” and “can be fatal if not treated” and off to the emergency vet we go. We luckily got a doctor who had just gone through the same with her own dog over the summer and reminded me of my favorite neighbor who just moved earlier this year, so I felt really good about her treatment plan and leaving him in her care. And that’s what we did, left him overnight. 

After a night where neither one of us slept very good, I called to check on Ringo and got the news that he was doing really well, keeping down food, nothing coming out of either end that shouldn’t be, was much more comfortable and we could come pick him up and take him home, with meds and a home treatment plan. He whined in the car on the way home as usual, came in and got a drink, ran outside and rolled in the grass, sniffed around and peed, and ran back inside to headbutt me and then get on the couch and start digging and humping the pillows — I have never been so happy and grateful in response to his usual misbehavior. For at least the next week or two, he can be as bad as he wants to be and I’ll be grateful for it.

So many things I’m grateful for: that we live somewhere that has multiple options for 24/7 vet care, that we have the ability to pay for that care, that those providing it are both knowledgeable and kind, that this particular condition has an effective treatment, that the first doctor we saw reminded me so much of someone I love and trust so I felt at ease and could trust her too, that she’s just been through the same with her own dog so gave Ringo the same options and awareness, that all the staff were so kind, and that Ringo responded so well to treatment and could come home, is clearly feeling so much better, AND if for some reason he starts to slip, we have access to what he’ll need to heal.

I’m also grateful for my own therapy and medication, because this is the sort of thing that in the past would have led initially to a panic attack, followed by extreme anxiety that left me feeling physically sick and unable to eat or sleep for days. This time, none of that happened, and it feels like some sort of miracle. Yes I was concerned and I felt sad. I hate to see my dogs suffer and be unable to immediately fix it, make it go away. And yet, this time I kept it together, didn’t fall apart, and that proof of the hard work I’ve been doing and all those who’ve helped me do it makes me so grateful.

3. Morning walks. Last week was peak fall and this week, winter arrived. Our first snow was so minor that if you’d slept past 8 am you wouldn’t have known it even happened. It rained that morning until almost 11 am, so we were on a rain delay, and when we got out, many of the leaves were now on the ground. The next morning, it was 28 degrees and frosty, so it really felt like winter had come. On that walk, the calm before the storm with Ringo, we saw an owl, heard another, saw a heron multiple times, and the small herd of white-tailed deer.

4. Good friends. I got to hang out with my three favorites recently, laughed and cried, and was reminded how special they all are, how much I love them and am loved by them.

5. My tiny family, tiny home, tiny life. It is so good to have a partner like Eric, both when things get hard and when they are easy. I’m especially grateful that the three of us all all here together today, safe and sound with love all around (sorry, I couldn’t help it 🙂 ).

Bonus joy: grapefruit bubbly water, marionberry jam, my favorite purple hoodie that is so soft (they market it as “the softest hoodie ever”), pay day, the weekend, writing in the morning with a hot cup of coffee, my infrared heating pad, the hoot of an owl, other people’s dogs and kids, painting, the ability to keep in touch through text and social media, all the people who love and care for Ringo, antianxiety meds, down blankets and pillows, laundry, pasta, cheese, bird in the feeder, a warm shower, Wild Writing, physical therapy, green tea, meditation, my weighted blanket, good neighbors, halloween decorations, green grapes, muffins, reading in bed at night while Ringo and Eric sleep (I’m going to appreciate this last one especially tonight).