1. I’ve spent a lot of my life giving all my best away. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this except when I manage to leave myself with nothing, just scraps, crumbs, remnants. I was led to believe that everyone did the same and that resulted in a system of “give your best/receive the best from others.” I saw it as transactional in that way, karmic even, that you would get what you give (even to the point of it multiplying when it comes back to you, “tenfold”), or as the bible put it, “Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”
2. I had it wrong and got lost, turned around. For all kinds of reasons, you can’t count on reciprocity. Sometimes it happens but often what you are offered (if anything) isn’t exactly enough or exactly right, isn’t what you need, falls short. And even in relationships where it happens on occasion (you getting what you need) there are still seasons where the balance is off. Even in healthy, sane relationships there are times where one just doesn’t have the capacity and the other needs to pick up the slack — which makes me think of that great poem “A Marriage” by Michael Blumenthal. And of course there are those whose own suffering means they take but won’t give back in equal measure (if at all), won’t show up, won’t stick around.
3. I’m practicing being myself and giving my best. I can show up for those I love, for those with a need I’m able to meet, AND I can take the very best care of myself — which sometimes means a clear boundary with someone who disregards who you are and what you need. I can come home to myself, call my energy back. I can stay close to those who are here for me, and for those who aren’t I can love them from afar, wish them well and release them.
One wish: May you be surrounded by people who show up and are present even in the boredom and discomfort and not knowing, and may those relationships be mutually beneficial. For those who aren’t able to go there with you, to stay, may they find what they need elsewhere. May your tender heart recognize those who are steady and ready and respond accordingly, loving those who can love you and letting go with love of those who can’t.
Open Space Practice, (AKA: A Thousand Shades of Gray) 
These are hard lessons, but so important to learn. It took me a long time to realize that if all I have are scraps, I’m not of much use to anyone. (Like, I’m only just now starting to really get that.) Appreciate you sharing your work and journey here.
It’s just such a backwards thing, how we learn to do and view things a certain way from the beginning only to discover much later that that wasn’t the truth at all, that the only way to give your best is to be yourself and take such loving care of that self. I try not to think of the time “wasted” but it’s hard not to be angry sometimes. ❤
Right there with you, on the feeling of wasted time, and the anger, too. I try to be grateful that I understand what I do now rather than 20 years from now, but still. It’s a mixed bag, at best.
❤
These are all such good lessons.
I love that poem, A Marriage.
❤ ❤ ❤