Tag Archives: Music

Play Them the New Songs

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Last night, John Heart Jackie and Danielle Ate the Sandwich played at Everyday Joe’s in Fort Collins. John Heart Jackie is from Portland, Oregon and amazing (seriously, you should check them out), but what really mattered to me: I finally got to see Danielle live.

Pic by Coleen Danger (not from last night)

Danielle wore a rainbow rhinestone clip in her hair and a matching bracelet around her wrist, and had silver waves of sequins on her shirt–she sparkled on stage, even before she started to sing.

Her violin player, Chris Jusell, stood on his tippy toes when he played, like a musical ballet dancer.

Her bass player, Dennis Bigelow reminded me of my favorite side-talking comedian, Jim Gaffigan.

Danielle talked about how making music was her job, was what she did, but that she kept expecting the mayor to knock on her door, say he’d reviewed her file and this couldn’t continue, she’d need to get a part-time job. She’d applied once at KMart for a job in the Garden Center, but they wanted her to work full-time in the Customer Service Center.  She stopped herself and thought, “I don’t want to work at KMart, I want to be a musician.”

Three CD’s later and it seems to be working out.  The music alone would sustain her, but if you see a live show, you essentially get an entire improv comedy skit as well, with banter between the musicians, as well as between them and the audience.  Danielle makes use of silly voices, and questions her bandmates in a way that reminded me of when a comedian asks “where are you from, what do you do?” and she can make a whole bit from it. Last night, some of the banter was about road trip snacks (“canti” bars, peanuts for sure, beef jerky and pistachios) and music, demands for compliments, grown-up goosebumps, reality TV, three bandmates on a deserted island, food poisoning and pizza, and Paris, France.

Danielle played three of her new songs, one that I’d heard already because the day she posted it on YouTube, I posted it here and played it over, and over, and over. She said it was hard to play new songs for an audience, that she wanted to sit on them, keep working on them, not wanting to finish or accept them as done.  And, there’s a 14 year old girl inside her still that says “But what if they don’t like it?” [What if they don’t like me? Oh how well I understand this!]

A friend of hers, who makes her think about hard things, challenges her to think differently–which she joked she’d never do, she’s too lazy, would rather watch TV–asked her “Why do you care if they like it? That’s not why you are doing it, is it?”  It’s like what Eric said to me about writing this blog.  Danielle’s answer was something like, “Well, yeah, but I want them to like it [me].  And they need to like it so they’ll buy my CD’s and come to my shows, and I can keep being a musician and won’t have to go work at KMart.”

She’d asked Dennis earlier in the show to give her a compliment, demanded one from him, said that her bio should just say “Danielle needs approval and appreciation” and nothing else.  When she played one of her new songs, she gave the audience a hard time for not having a stronger, louder reaction to it, especially since just singing it, she’d given herself goosebumps.

What struck me about the show–besides the music, besides the discovery and joy of seeing her live for the first time–is that she said “yes.”  The Universe, Art, Music called her, and she said “yes.”  And yet, she still struggles, at least a bit, with needing the approval and adoration of an audience, a very personal but also practical need.

She might still feel a little timid, have that 14 year old girl inside her that worries that people might not like what she’s doing–but she does it anyway!  And she’s amazing.  There is no other Danielle Ate the Sandwich, not even close.  She’s been my writing muse for this past month, as I struggle to write something of worth every day, she’s been my doula for the birth of this blog and my own public voice–and she’s a real girl.  Her willingness to be vulnerable and brave with her art, her voice, her heart, soothes the scared 14 year old in me, the one that wants so badly to be liked, to be complimented and supported.  I am inspired by her as a fellow artist, and grateful to be part of the audience for the art she makes.

And this summer, I am finally going to dust off the ukelele I’ve had for the last four years and learn how to play. And I’m going to keep writing, keep moving, keep developing my own voice, my own space, my own audience, with Danielle Ate the Sandwich on the soundtrack.

Help Yourself

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This morning in yoga, when Niight asked us to set our intention for the class, I remembered something I had read yesterday: “Eventually you realize you can only help those willing to help themselves…And that begins with helping yourself,” (from a post by Jen Gresham on Everyday Bright).  I shortened that to “Help Yourself” and set my intention for class.

But as often happens, my intention for Monday morning’s yoga class is really much bigger than that, and follows me off my mat. I have been struggling with some family situations, two specific people who are in trouble that I really want to help, but they don’t want to be helped, don’t see the problem.  They aren’t just making a mess of things for themselves, they are hurting people close to them, people who love them and want to see them safe and happy. Then, in turn, this second set of people become stressed out and strained and sick.  Ripples of suffering continue out, and out.

It goes back to that empathic intuition and awareness thing again, the center of my power but so often the source of my pain.  I can feel what they are feeling, understand their experience of things, but I can also see how wrongheaded it is, how confused.  I can see their internal motivations and where this is going to lead if they don’t wise up, what they should do instead that has a real chance of providing comfort and positive change.

It’s as if they are headed straight for a cliff, but I can’t figure out how to convince them to take their foot off the gas, maybe even hit the brakes.  I am not in the car with them, so the only thing I can do is watch them go and pray something happens between now and the edge.

Photo by Marinaomi

And yet, even with the intellectual awareness that you can do nothing to stop them, that everyone has to live their own life, make their own choices and endure the consequences, you find yourself at times running after them, screaming “Slow down! Stop! Please turn around!” until you lose your voice and drop to your knees, your breath choked by the trail of dust they’ve left behind.

So it comes back around to this: “Eventually you realize you can only help those willing to help themselves…And that begins with helping yourself.” You can’t force other people to change, to do what’s right, to make better choices and live happier lives.  You have to continue to chose balance and stability for yourself, stop making yourself sick thinking about their situation, their suffering.  Like the 3 C’s of Al-Anon puts it: “Didn’t cause it, can’t cure it, and can’t control it.”  Leave the chaos and the co-dependency behind, let it go.

And yet, it takes a strange sort of courage to give up on, to renounce people you love, those you want to help–“give up” meaning that I accept you can make your own choices and I cannot control what you do.  I cannot keep you safe.  I cannot make you happy.  And if you attempt to draw me in to your circle of suffering, insist that I agree with your confusion, even adopt it as my own–I cannot go there with you.  Courage is necessary because by saying “no,” by letting go, you run the risk of being alone.

Even if you find yourself having to let them go, you can continue to be a good example, someone who is sane, healthy, happy and safe.  And I suspect, even as there are those you have to “give up on,” there will be others who seek out your kindness, who welcome your help, and who return your good will.

I’m giving up, and I am going to help myself, as I continue to wish nothing but love to those who are stuck and who are struggling.  Eventually, we’ll all find a way out.

  • “It’s not going to stop ’til you wise up, so just…give up.”