Encouragement | Open Space Practice, (AKA: A Thousand Shades of Gray)

I was listening to a podcast class the other day, “Breathing Space” from Hannah’s Harvest, and in it, she took us through a visualization, working with a place where you are stuck, identifying where it is in your body. For me, it is my belly, my big, round belly, where all the pain and grief and struggle has settled. We were asked to visualize what color it was: for me that was red, glowing hot, flames shooting from it like a raging fire, wanting to burn, destroy everything it could reach.

Picture by Palo

I know why there’s a fire. For so long, I wouldn’t listen, didn’t honor this place that’s the seat of my intuition, my awareness, my truth. It’s mad, hoarse from screaming, disgusted with trying and being ignored. There are no more tears left, just aggression.

The visualization asked that we change the color of this space, that we honor it, heal it, release it. I turned it blue, the exact color of the ocean and sky on a sunny day at Driftwood Beach. The color and sound of the water. Water to put out the fire. If I listen to it, honor it, it will let go and relax.

For the longest time, my internal mantra was “I’m so tired.” Over and over again: I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I’m so tired. *sigh* I’m so tired.

Picture by Björn Rixman

A friend and I were talking about this and she suggested that feeling tired all the time can be a sign of unfulfilled purpose, that there is something you really want, something trying to be born that you are resisting or ignoring, and that struggle wears you down. Trying to be someone you are not, and carrying the weight of unfulfilled dreams and the grief and suffering generated by that denial makes the act of simply breathing exhausting.

Of course, there’s the other kind of tired, the kind you’ve earned through direct action. If you run a marathon, you’ll be tired. After a long day of grading papers, for example, you’ll be tired. But if you are tired from say the marathon, you’d don’t care for yourself by saying, “Now that I’m done with that, I guess I’ll go run another five miles.”

I struggle with both kinds of tired, with not being able to practice the sort of self-care that would allow for the necessary letting go, relaxing, and restoration. I get in my own way when there’s something trying to be born, rather than clearing a space for it and gently coaxing it into being. And when I am doing something that feels important, overdoing, being generous to the point of failure and collapse, I am not good at being able to see my limits, to respect them and step away and recharge.

So, I’ll make a deal with you. I will continue to show up. Like the lovely and loving Jen Lemen said in one of her recent blog posts,

Show up. Your presence, whether acknowledged or still unseen, is powerful and when you show up, no one can stay the same. The truth is there’s nothing like it. You, the real you, with all your faults and miscalculations, is magic.

But when I am tired, I will ask myself: am I blocking some truth that is trying to be born, or am I laboring without limit to manifest something else? Am I being unkind to myself, either by getting in my own way or pushing too hard? I will develop an awareness, and I will honor myself and REST.

How do you restore yourself when you are tired?

Today is the second day of Blogtoberfest 2011. This is a festival started in 2009 by Cathy, or {tinniegirl}, a blogger from Australia. The way she describes it is that:

By signing up you are taking on the challenge to post daily to your blog in October.I like to think that Blogtoberfest is a celebration of the best things about blogging – self expression, creativity, community and fun. It’s also a great way to celebrate the ordinary and every day.

Even though I have been posting to this blog almost every day, I like the idea of committing to do so with a group of like minded people. There is power in groups, in community, especially when that group is committed to all the good things: self expression, creativity, community and fun.

Then next month is “National Novel Writing Month.” I might have to call this the “Fall of Writing,” not to be confused with the “fall of writing.” This ambition, this new found…what do I call it? I need a word that means the opposite of stuck.

One friend who is a yoga teacher and another who is an Ayurvedic practitioner, both told me recently that the equinox could in part explain the energy I am feeling. The equinox (which happened on September 23rd) has an equal amount of day and night, light and dark. It’s a time of change and balance, transition and upset, contraction and expansion.

One reminded me to be careful of “shiny monkey mind,” and to not confuse excitement with happiness. She said that this epoch or the period of time we are in now, which started around 1987, was said by prophecy of Tibetan Monks to be “the age of levitation.” It was said that during this time, 50% of humans will go insane and 50% will become much more enlightened. These are our choices: crazy or enlightened. Stuck or levitating.

As I consider all of this, I think about how we have a choice. We always have a choice of manifesting light or seeking the darkness. And right now, there are good things happening, people doing good, even great work, in both big and small ways. There is a whole tribe of people who can be found on the internet who are working, individually but also as a collective, towards empowering others, moving through their own fear so that others can see the way and follow. Their single shared value is compassion.

For example, the End Malaria Day project.

Or, Karen Armstrong and her work with the “Charter for Compassion.”

Or, the “Link with Love” project, whose hope is “that art, music, photography, words, design, ideas, etc – be shared in a way that is respectful, educated and kind.” Or Brene’ Brown’s Free-Range Social Media Project.

Or the Girl Effect Project, and the related October 4th Blogger event.

And that’s just the short list. Given a few hours, I could find hundreds more. And the best news is that we are all invited! It’s a huge love fest, and every one is allowed to join in. Do something good for yourself. Do something nice for someone else. Say “thank you.” Say “I love you.” Say “Oh! Look at that. Isn’t it amazing?” Close your eyes. Take three deep breaths. Be kind.