Tag Archives: Dog

What to do when you’re tired.

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I was listening to a podcast class the other day, “Breathing Space” from Hannah’s Harvest, and in it, she took us through a visualization, working with a place where you are stuck, identifying where it is in your body.  For me, it is my belly, my big, round belly, where all the pain and grief and struggle has settled.  We were asked to visualize what color it was: for me that was red, glowing hot, flames shooting from it like a raging fire, wanting to burn, destroy everything it could reach.

flaming gold

Picture by Palo

I know why there’s a fire.  For so long, I wouldn’t listen, didn’t honor this place that’s the seat of my intuition, my awareness, my truth.  It’s mad, hoarse from screaming, disgusted with trying and being ignored.  There are no more tears left, just aggression.

The visualization asked that we change the color of this space, that we honor it, heal it, release it.  I turned it blue, the exact color of the ocean and sky on a sunny day at Driftwood Beach.  The color and sound of the water. Water to put out the fire.  If I listen to it, honor it, it will let go and relax.

For the longest time, my internal mantra was “I’m so tired.”  Over and over again: I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I’m so tired. *sigh* I’m so tired.

Big yawn

Picture by Björn Rixman

A friend and I were talking about this and she suggested that feeling tired all the time can be a sign of unfulfilled purpose, that there is something you really want, something trying to be born that you are resisting or ignoring, and that struggle wears you down.  Trying to be someone you are not, and carrying the weight of unfulfilled dreams and the grief and suffering generated by that denial makes the act of simply breathing exhausting.

Of course, there’s the other kind of tired, the kind you’ve earned through direct action.  If you run a marathon, you’ll be tired.  After a long day of grading papers, for example, you’ll be tired.  But if you are tired from say the marathon, you’d don’t care for yourself by saying, “Now that I’m done with that, I guess I’ll go run another five miles.”

I struggle with both kinds of tired, with not being able to practice the sort of self-care that would allow for the necessary letting go, relaxing, and restoration.  I get in my own way when there’s something trying to be born, rather than clearing a space for it and gently coaxing it into being.  And when I am doing something that feels important, overdoing, being generous to the point of failure and collapse, I am not good at being able to see my limits, to respect them and step away and recharge.

So, I’ll make a deal with you.  I will continue to show up.  Like the lovely and loving Jen Lemen said in one of her recent blog posts,

Show up. Your presence, whether acknowledged or still unseen, is powerful and when you show up, no one can stay the same. The truth is there’s nothing like it. You, the real you, with all your faults and miscalculations, is magic.

But when I am tired, I will ask myself: am I blocking some truth that is trying to be born, or am I laboring without limit to manifest something else?  Am I being unkind to myself, either by getting in my own way or pushing too hard?  I will develop an awareness, and I will honor myself and REST.

  • How do you restore yourself when you are tired?

Pace Yourself

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The other day, I was telling Eric how now that I was unstuck, I was having a hard time stopping, a hard time going to work because the work I was doing for myself was so compelling and fun, and he told me “You should pace yourself.”

Whatever…*eye-roll*

Turns out, he’s right.  I have been trying the past few weeks to do ALL the things, and I am starting to feel a bit tired, run down.  I am not being kind to myself.  I am pushing, demanding, doing too much.

If I am honest, this is a pattern, a habit of mine.  I have a form of artistic manic-depression. I have two speeds: off and bullet train.  I am either stuck, frozen, numb, asleep, or moving at the speed of light, “I’ll sleep when I am dead,” on fire, can’t stop.

Brotherly Love, Dexter and SamManic

I am thinking about this specifically today as I watch myself being greedy and grasping, and not listening to what I really need right now. Having discovered Danielle Ate the Sandwich and being utterly and newly in love with her, I want to go see her perform.  Not just that, but I want to go to every show she has in Colorado. She has three coming up: one tonight in Denver, one in a few weeks in Boulder, and another in Fort Collins.  And the whole reason I found out about her is I told a friend that I wanted to finally learn to play the ukelele I’ve had for almost four years now, and he’d sent me a link to a site with tutorials and told me about Danielle.  So now, not only do I want to teach myself to play, I want to write and sing songs, make an album, and go on tour with Danielle.

Wish

But I am feeling weak and run down today, and Eric is running a half-marathon tomorrow morning, so going to a show more than an hour away that will run late when what we really should do is stay home, be together and rest is just silly.

There are other examples.  It’s not enough for me to have a yoga practice.  I need to buy a month of unlimited classes at a new studio and try to go to as many as I can, sign up for a nine week “Yoga Immersion” class over the summer, go to 5-7 classes a week, plan to get certified to teach yoga, plan write a grant and teach yoga at the local battered women’s shelter, go on retreats.  This is not at all what yoga is about, this gluttony, and I know this.

I subscribe to five weekly newsletters that each send me daily challenges, meditations, things to consider. I sign up for three amazing classes, but I sign up in a way that for a few weeks at least, they will overlap and I will be in THREE classes simultaneously, while maintaining a full-time job, a marriage, two needy dogs, a yoga and meditation practice, etc. And that’s not enough, I’ll get certified as a meditation instructor, and put together yoga/meditation/writing workshops or retreats, I’ll get a Holistic Health Coach, no I’ll become one, and then I’ll get certified as a Life Coach…ugh.  I make myself tired just thinking about all the things I want.  When I wake up like this, find myself breathing again, I panic because I feel like I have already wasted so much time and I don’t know how much I have left. I have so much to do…

Don’t get me wrong.  I am not saying that I shouldn’t dream so big.  Obviously, I believe in that.  Dreaming and wishing and opening myself up to new possibilities and different options is propelling me after years of being stuck.  What I am saying is that I need to “pace myself.”

So, instead of going to see Danielle play tonight, I’ll stay home and rest.  I’ll listen to her music all day, but from a cd rather than live. I’ll slow down. I’ll notice how the knob on the drawer in my bathroom reflects the light like a rainbow comet trail. I’ll sit in the sun in the backyard with all three of my boys.  I’ll take a nap.  I’ll read.  I’ll catch up on my Mondo Beyondo assignments, maybe even grade a few papers for work–but only if I feel like it, if it feels right.  Later, I’ll go take a yoga class with Sarada if I feel up to it.  I’ll go to bed early.  I will open my heart and be kind, listen to what it is I need and do that for myself. 

I’ll pace myself.

  • How can you be gentle with yourself today?